by Kris Oyen | Aug 12, 2024 | Podcast
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Episode 495 – Stay the Course
Today we have Robbie. He is 28 years old from Palm Springs, CA and took his last drink on January 4th, 2024.
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[4:28] Thoughts from Paul:
You are listening to this podcast because you’ve correctly identified that alcohol is what is holding you back. You see that alcohol isn’t delivering what was promised.
Your inner guidance to quit drinking, to explore what that would look like is correct. Stay the course. You’re inner voice is spot on. You are on the right path.
Paul shares his struggles with finding homeostasis after welcoming his child into the world. He feels his nervous system is stuck in a level of fight or flight. While he is feeling a lot of emotions around this, he reminds himself to stay the course. So, for all of those parents who are seeking sobriety – we will stay the course with you.
What does staying the course look like when we depart from alcohol? Maybe it is tuning in to the podcast each week or logging just one more day alcohol-free. Maybe you are working through a quit lit book and the voice is saying it wasn’t that bad. Keep reading. Keep listening. Keep showing up. We are on the right path and it’s paramount that we stick together.
[10:18] Paul introduces Robbie:
Robbie lives in Palm Springs, CA. He enjoys tennis, pickleball, golf and interior design.
Robbie says he didn’t drink much growing up and only started to drink while studying abroad in Australia. He was able to drink socially with little issue. The drinking became more frequent after Robbie had graduated college and was living alone in Denver. He found himself at happy hours and then returning home to continue to drink. At the time, Robbie knew that his drinking wasn’t normal but chalked it up to being a phase.
During COVID lockdowns, Robbie ended up moving back to Montana to stay with his parents. Drinking was a great excuse since he didn’t have obligations. After moving back to his apartment, his drinking began earlier in the day over time. He was starting to have physical repercussions from drinking heavily and decided to try and moderate or cut back. One event found him going to the liquor store for “hair of the dog” and on the way back he ended up passing out. Robbie woke up in an ambulance on the way to the ER and had no idea who called them. This didn’t deter Robbie from drinking, he just knew that if he tried to quit again, he would need to have medical detox.
On a trip to Montana visiting family, Robbie ended up getting a DUI right down the street from his parents’ house. After his father picked him up from jail, he knew the cat was out of the bag.
At Christmas, Robbie decided to stay in Denver and told his mother that he was spending time with his girlfriend but ended up staying home. When his mother found out he wasn’t with her, see felt driven to send Robbie an email expressing concerns about his health. He felt a lot of relief when he read it and knew that he was going to be able to get help now since his family was aware of his problem.
Robbie went to Betty Ford and stayed there for 21 days. It was more social than Robbie was accustomed to, but he grew very close with the people he was there with. After a few step-down programs, Robbie still goes to Betty Ford frequently and while AA isn’t his favorite modality, he enjoys trying new meetings and keeps an open mind to all things recovery. He utilizes meetings, podcasts and gratitude lists in recovery and when he has a craving, he has found box-breathing helps him a lot.
What has sobriety made possible for Robbie: reconnecting with and loving himself.
Robbie’s parting piece of guidance: pick up the 100-pound phone, ask for help and you’ll be really surprised by people’s response to that.
Recovery Elevator
Go big, because eventually we all go home.
I love you guys.
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by Kris Oyen | Aug 5, 2024 | Podcast
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Episode 494 – Discomfort = Good
Today we have Erin. She is 47 years old from Colorado and took her last drink on May 21st, 2022.
Sponsors for this episode:
Visit Better Help today to get 10% off your first month
Café RE – promo code OPPORTUNITY waives set up fee.
[02:53] Thoughts from Paul:
Paul shares with us “pain is followed by pleasure and pleasure is followed by pain”. Drinking to change the way you feel in order to feel better in the short term, will lead to a greater dip on the other side. Not only does drinking often come with a physical hangover, but the dopamine dip can be even worse.
The Comfort Crisis by Michael Easter is a great book on discomfort. The main point of the comfort crisis is to show that society’s relentless quest for pleasure is actually doing us a tremendous amount of harm.
The discomfort that comes with ditching the booze is like a different type of gym that is making you so much stronger. Studies show that it was not uncommon for our ancestors to run and walk more than 25 miles in a day. Today we call that a marathon. They called it going out for dinner. A good sobriety tool to add to your toolkit is seeking discomfort – both the physical and the mental.
Buddha said that life is suffering, and all attempts to avoid the suffering only create more suffering. Logging alcohol free days and leaning into the boredom and discomfort is incredibly healthy for you and is actually level 10 self-care, even though it hurts.
[09:57] Kris introduces Erin:
Erin lives in a small town in Colorado. She is a psychotherapist. She lives with her partner and two dogs. They enjoy all things outdoors; hiking, skiing, walking, going to the lake and she is fortunate to love her work as well.
Growing up in a small town in South Dakota, Erin says drinking was part of the youth culture. Her older siblings drank and made it sound like fun. The first time Erin drank, she blacked out, but doesn’t recall it being a bad experience. She drank at parties in high school, but her drinking slowed down when she went to college.
Living in Boulder, CO, Erin enjoyed more outdoor activities instead of drinking heavily. Her roommate and she got the opportunity to go on tour with their favorite band a few times and Erin remembers that as being when drinking was fun. She was a music lover and while working in clubs she enjoyed the perk of free drinks and meeting the bands.
In her late 20s, Erin had a career change and was with a partner that drank a lot. She says she drank a lot with them and was able to maintain her job and her martial arts training. She was working with women that came from domestic abuse situations so in comparison, she thought she was doing alright.
Erin ended up leaving the martial arts community but began drinking with her work community. Everyone else was able to drink Friday night and be done, whereas Erin wouldn’t stop until Monday. She started having withdrawal symptoms when the bender was over, but this wasn’t enough to make her quit.
Erin would try moderation and kept her drinking to a minimum when with her boyfriend, but it was different when she was alone. It wasn’t until a bender while pet sitting that her boyfriend saw her in really rough shape. He made her leave with him and the next morning, Erin asked to go to the hospital because she knew it was time to quit for good.
Once Erin quit, she focused on telling the truth and surrendering to the fact that she could no longer drink. Erin has leaned into community and is going to retreats. It gives her something to look forward to on her calendar.
Erin’s favorite resources in recovery – podcasts and other people’s stories
Erin’s parting piece of guidance – there’s a wisdom in patience, and simplicity. Do one or two things each day that are good for yourself. Sobriety is a journey and the brain is healing.
We are the only ones that can do this RE, but we don’t have to do it alone.
I love you guys.
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by Kris Oyen | Jul 29, 2024 | Podcast
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Episode 493 – The War is Over, and I Lost
Today we have Allie. She is 31 and lives in Central, MA. She took her last drink on March 20th, 2024.
There are still a few spots open on our next Alcohol-Free travel trip to Vietnam. This upcoming January 9th-20th, 2025, we’re heading to this incredible Southeast Asia paradise for 10 days and 11 nights with 25 travelers who are done nursing hangovers.
Sponsors for this episode:
Visit Better Help today to get 10% off your first month
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[03:25] Thoughts from Paul:
Paul shares that he lost the war with alcohol. It was not for lack of effort… for over ten years, he would get back up and keep fighting, he would implement new strategies to control his drinking, but it didn’t matter. He still lost.
He eventually raised the white flag and through the process of deconstruction, Paul says humility entered on its own without invitation. Every day he has to remember just how bad he got his ass kicked.
Through the addiction process, humility is a gift that we receive. Humility is a modest view of one’s own self-worth or importance and addiction is the equalizer that puts us all on the same level.
Losing the battle with alcohol is a humbling process which imprints on us a heaping dose of humility, which never leaves.
A big part of today’s intro is empowering you to recognize this incredible gift.
Once the battle with alcohol is over and humility is gained, we ultimately win.
[10:38] Paul introduces Allie:
Allie is 31 years old, and currently lives in central Massachusetts. She is married and they recently bought a house. For work she is an occupational therapist for students with different learning disabilities. For fun she enjoys the beach, travel, reading and exercise.
Allie started experimenting with alcohol in high school – the typical parties on the weekend. Her parents were big advocates for safety around alcohol and knew that Allie and her brother were at the age of experimentation. Allie knew family members that had issues with alcohol but wasn’t worried about them developing for herself.
After college, Allie moved to Boston and started to work. She says she enjoyed the social scene. Initially she didn’t drink during the week but on the weekends the excitement of being with friends found her trying to keep the party going when others were fine to stop.
During COVID Allie and her friends would have happy hours over Zoom. Around 2022 was when she first heard the term “sober curious” but said the word “sober” scared her. Allie shares that she had times when she knew she had drank too much and felt some shame and guilt around it. This led her to start listening to podcasts about sobriety and hear stories from others that felt the same way. Allie found listening to other people her age quitting drinking was really motivating and helpful for her to realize she wasn’t alone.
Because she wasn’t an everyday drinker, she didn’t think she had a problem. She would attempt moderation by limiting her drinks and avoiding certain alcohol. Allie quit drinking for stretches of time, but usually because of diet or an upcoming event. It wasn’t until one night of overindulgence led to worrying her father when she realized that she needed to quit.
Since quitting, Allie listens to a lot of podcasts, attends therapy and journals regularly to reflect on where she is. Learning about the science has been very helpful to her and she has fostered a great relationship with herself while improving relationships with others. Self-discovery, self-acceptance and self-awareness have helped Allie realize that she is just someone that cannot drink.
Recovery Elevator
You took the elevator down; you gotta take the stairs back up.
I love you guys.
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by Kris Oyen | Jul 22, 2024 | Podcast
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Episode 492 – Alcohol Isn’t the Problem
Today we have Kristi. She is 50 years old and lives in Rome, GA. She took her last drink on December 11th, 2023.
We just opened a few more spots for our upcoming retreat this August 14th through 18th in beautiful Bozeman, MT.
Sponsors for this episode:
Visit Better Help today to get 10% off your first month
Exact Nature use promo code RE20 to receive 20% of your order
[02:19] Thoughts from Paul:
We think this is all about alcohol, but it’s not. There are different support groups for many various addictions, and the one thing that they have in common is whatever comes before the word “Anonymous” is not the problem.
Page 64 in the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book states that the liquor was but a symptom. The booze isn’t the problem. There are deeper causes and conditions that are manifesting themselves in a drinking problem, gambling problem, shopping problem, etc.
For many of us, alcohol isn’t the problem. It is but a symptom of what went down in our infant and toddler years. Childhood trauma (which can be both what happened to us and what didn’t happen for us) can leave us with holes that we end up doing anything to fill. Many of those interviewed on this podcast explain that the first drink made them feel whole again.
We drink to change the way we feel and to cover up uncomfortable emotions. Alcohol is being used to cover up deeper issues. This may or may not be what you wanted to hear today, but it’s important to keep this podcast real.
TRIGGER WARNING:
The upcoming interview references self-harm.
[10:54] Kris introduces Kristi:
Kristi is 50 years old and is a hairstylist in Northwest Georgia. She has a 33 year old daughter with special needs, a partner and three dogs. For fun she enjoys reading, cooking and looks forward to getting back to kayaking.
Kristi says she had a good childhood. Her parents divorced when she was young, and they both remarried when she was around seven. Growing up, Kristi felt like she was on the fringe of being part of the “in” crowd so would do what everyone else was doing to fit in.
Kristi had her first drink when she was around 14 years old. At age 16, she got pregnant and dropped out of school. After she had her daughter, she started experimenting a lot and found herself in and out of destructive relationships.
Around the age of 27, Kristi found herself addicted to opiates. During this time her father, who struggled with mental illness, committed suicide. This sent her on a downward spiral. About a year later she found a place that helped her quit the opiates. She was there for 8 months and when she returned, she drank because she knew that pills were her issue, not alcohol.
Kristi says she was a binge drinker. Alcohol was a way for her to mask the pain of the loss of her father as well as the struggles she had raising a special needs child.
As a hairdresser when COVID happened, she says she went downhill quickly. There was no work and being homebound found her day drinking and over time it started earlier in the day. The day drinking continued after returning to work and she had a few events that led her to seek treatment. It was an up and down experience for her after the first detox, but Kristi never gave up and neither did her family and friends.
After six months of sobriety, Kristi says it feels different this time. She has been leaning into Café RE and reaching out to some other friends to expand her connections. She found this and mediation to be most helpful to her.
Recently Kristi started going to college with the goal of being a counselor. She wants to use what she has been through to help others.
Kristi’s favorite resources in recovery: Cafe RE and podcasts.
Kristi’s parting piece of guidance: just do it. Life is so much clearer. There are so many things on the edge of your fingertips if you just put down the bottle.
Recovery Elevator
Go big, because eventually we all go home.
I love you guys.
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by Kris Oyen | Jul 15, 2024 | Podcast
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Episode 491 – Sobriety is Not….
Today we have Santino. He is 36 years old, lives in Taunton, MA, and took his last drink on May 24th, 2022.
Sponsors for this episode:
Visit Better Help today to get 10% off your first month
Café RE – promo code OPPORTUNITY waives set up fee.
[02:55] Thoughts from Paul:
A question we all eventually ask ourselves during our lifetime is – who am I? Eckhart Tolle (the author of The Power of Now and A New Earth) says that through the process of finding out who we are not, we also find out who we are.
One of our Café RE hosts, Tonya, shared a great list of what sobriety is not which Paul shares and elaborates on:
- Sobriety is not the same for everyone.
- Sobriety is not going back to how things were.
- Sobriety does not rid you of your past.
- Sobriety is not the end of your life if you enter recovery or treatment.
- Sobriety is not the end of socializing.
- Sobriety is not something you can do halfheartedly.
- Sobriety is not just a temporary thing.
Rumi says “don’t be held captive. Your life has no border or shoreline”. Don’t be held captive by a mind created definition of what sobriety is because in reality, it can be whatever you want it to be. It can be infinitely boundless.
[10:42] Paul introduces Santino:
This is Santino’s third appearance on the podcast, and he is celebrating 2 years alcohol free at the time of this recording.
Santino grew up in the Midwest but currently lives in eastern MA. He is currently working on writing his memoir and he and his wife are expecting their second child.
Curiosity in his early teens led Santino to try alcohol. He joined the military after high school where drinking is generally part of the culture. Santino considers his drinking rather benign until his late twenties. It was then that he began to use alcohol for coping through uncertainty in his life. Once he started finding himself focusing more and more on his next drink, he began gaslighting and manipulating to protect his drinking. Santino acknowledges that he was becoming like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Several months before he quit drinking, Santino had a bad withdrawal experience. At the time he was depressed and cared little about himself. He recognized that this may be what a rock bottom feels like and didn’t want to go through this again. He was able to quit for three months in early 2022, but a birthday celebration in March found him falling right into the old habits.
A turning point for Santino was after watching coverage of a school shooting while at the bar. Thinking about becoming a better example for the children of the future, he stopped drinking that day. He calls this clocking out of purgatory. An ultimatum from his wife after discovering hidden debt sealed the deal for Santino.
Comparing the first year of sobriety to the second year, Santino feels there is pure form of clarity that he has. He no longer feels the need to hide anymore. He is exploring who he is and what he can offer to the universe.
Santino says he has been attending individual and marriage therapy which has been helpful to him. He works on fostering his relationships, attends AA meetings, practices positive self-talk, and works on connecting with his emotions and his inner self daily.
Santino’s favorite recovery quote: “the world record for the longest time without a drink is 24 hours.”
One thing Santino has learned in sobriety: that he has always had something to offer the world – his true, authentic self.
Santino’s favorite sober moment: having the emotional capacity to deal with life as he knows it as well as deal with conflicts he would otherwise run away from.
Santino’s parting piece of guidance: give yourself the grace that alcohol will never give you.
Recovery Elevator
Go big, because eventually we all go home.
I love you guys.
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