by Kris Oyen | Apr 19, 2021 | Podcast
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Episode 322 – the hardest part is relaxing into this idea that you can have the most incredibly beautiful moment followed by an incredibly dark moment and that’s just the path of life.
Marcella took her last drink on September 6, 2018. She lives in San Diego. Marcella lives in the arena and she shares her journey with the world on sobriety, parenting, and authentic Mexican food. She leads from the front in a transparent way that is very inspiring. This is her journey of living alcohol free (AF).
Finding Your Better You – Odette’s weekly message.
Odette reflected on her recent comments about judgement. When we feel judgement creeping up, we need to remind ourselves that person we are judging is a flawed human trying their best … just like me. When we bring
judgment into recovery space because someone is doing it differently than we are we invite shame. If we want to help others recover, we need to detach from our shame. We need to manage our own path. Odette referenced an Instagram post from Lara Fraser saying, “nobody gets to define your recovery but you. You don’t get to have an opinion on someone else’s recovery – that’s control. Control brings us closer to our ego and further from our soul’s expansion.
Odette referenced Demi Lovato who is being criticized for her actions in her path to recovery. The reality is we are meant to stumble, to fall and to have a messy path. When you are in the spotlight – everyone is watching your falls and judging them. Let’s give ourselves and each other permission to have our own messy journey and don’t explain ourselves to others or worry about judgment.
Odette referenced a concept from Brene Brown’s book, Dare to Lead. Brene says, the biggest barrier to a safe container is shame. Everybody needs a small, safe place to act and talk about doing hard work. A place where you don’t have to be awesome or cool. You need to be un-cool, awkward, and goofy. We should strive to create safe containers where people can ask questions and be heard. Leading by fear and perfectionist cultures does not allow us to create safe containers. Perfection has no room in a safe container.
At Recovery Elevator, our goal is to provide a safe container for you. You matter, and we are here for you.
[7:33] Odette introduces Marcella
This episode was recorded in March which is Women’s Month and Odette is excited to have a fellow Mexicana share who is standing in her truth and unapologetically owning her power.
Marcella said she is flawed like others and recognizes age helps you realize you only get one shot at this life and you need to live it authentically because if you don’t and you continue pleasing others hiding your truth, you get sick and you die. Everything is on the table.
Marcella made it clear she is sharing from her own path, perspective and journey. She knows some of her views are unpopular. She comes from a long line of alcoholics and her personal journey to healing is forgetting about labels and boxes while relaxing into the idea that she can forge her own path to what it means to be happy and addiction free. She is living a happy and fulfilled life. She reminds us we are always working on the path of life – often avoiding pain, causes more pain.
[12:41] Do you remember the last time you took a drink?
Marcella had to look up an event to remember when she took her last drink. A family member she had never seen drunk was inebriated and Marcella had an incredibly negative reaction. She recognized the only way she could control this for herself was to eliminate the external element. Alcohol became an enemy. She didn’t tell anyone for weeks or months, not even her husband.
Her last drink was on September 6, 2018. She didn’t count days until she went back to look at the date which was a family party. She doesn’t have any cravings. She was a heavy drinker starting at age fourteen and once she stopped, that was it; the craving was gone. It became easy because not drinking eliminated the anxiety, drama, micro aggressions, and major aggressions from her life.
[20:21] What does your day-to-day life look like?
Marcella said she doesn’t have time to bullsh!t anymore; it takes away time from her goals. She tried AA, but it didn’t work for her. She had so many things she wanted to focus on, so alcohol had no place in her life. She was able to identify what made her want to take the edge off with alcohol. It was an association with power and coolness. Facing the darkness, she tried to diminish with alcohol gave her power: the ultimate control of her body and her emotions. It takes a lot of courage to face what is making you want to take that drink. She stopped promoting alcohol in her cooking classes because she didn’t want to be part of the marketing machine that tells people they need alcohol to survive. She doesn’t want to be a woman selling alcohol to other women.
Marcella spoke about being and Adult Child(ren) of an Alcoholic and is proud she has conquered alcohol. The horrible addiction that has been in her family forever stops with her. The massive trophy has taught her to be kind and compassionate with herself.
[30:29] How did you shift to finding a soft entry point to yourself?
Marcella said it has been a journey. In moments when she has hated herself, or she is obsessing, Carina (Marcella’s sister) reminds her of who she is and that gift she is to others. They are truly soulmates.
[32:18] Did you find the root of your addiction?
Marcella reads lots of Gabor Mate and the question he poses is: don’t ask why the addiction, ask why the pain? She identified childhood abuse, abandonment and living with alcoholism on both sides of her family. Another reason AA didn’t work for her is because she equated anonymity with shame. She has spoken “the sh!t” out of her problems very publicly. The gems, gifts and knowledge that have come from her openness have been immeasurable. Marcella believes that none of us escape trauma. It’s a broad umbrella and part of the human experience. We all experience some form (along the spectrum) of trauma. It is impossible to escape. Marcella needed to face the loneliness that comes with shame. She no longer feels like an alien. She finds healing in acknowledging her common trauma without shame and then her soul rested.
Marcella said the fear of appearing ungrateful or disloyal to our parents (particularly for Latinas) often inhibits us from sharing the trauma that came with our upbringing. You can love, be grateful and loyal to your parents and still heal. They can coexist in a space of love.
Marcella’s children are the center of her universe and her biggest teachers. When you research childhood development the magnitude of your responsibility becomes clear. One of her biggest flaws is feeling like she is a bad mother. Her children are her greatest gift. The anxiety that comes with motherhood and her thoughts and expectations of herself can be overwhelming. The role of mother is her biggest anxiety. Conquering alcohol is helpful to managing that anxiety. Marcella doesn’t believe that the more you suffer, the better a matriarch you are. La familia doesn’t require you sacrifice yourself and your authenticity. Latina women don’t need to diminish their lives to become matriarchs. The journey is so important and diminishing yourself is not a good message for your kids.
Marcella said, you must do the work to put yourself in the company of people who can support you. It took so much work for Marcella to separate herself from certain relationships and put herself in the relationship she is in now. It took A LOT of courage, humility, re-programming and breaking down her walls to be in an authentic partnership. She emphasized, you have to do the work to attract the people who have the strength, courage, and values to support you. The universe will continue to throw the same problems at you until you figure it out.
[51:34] What does work mean to you? What tools have helped you?
Marcella did therapy early in her life, but it was cyclical and did not help. She is studious and finds a lot of her solutions in books. The philosophy of Yoga has been a massive support to her, and she has taken courses in Yoga that have aided her healing.
Marcella’s relationship with her sister is very significant and her sister often acts as her therapist. In the past ten years they dove deep into their childhood issues and verbalizing them has helped her to heal.
Marcella reminds herself of the rewards that have come because of her sobriety and she says them out loud as a reminder. Her ability to teach cooking classes and be herself are a reward of being sober.
She said if AA (or another modality) doesn’t work for you it doesn’t make you a failure. AA has served hundreds of millions of people, and some people are resistant to AA, it’s simply not their path. There are multiple other paths – just don’t give up. Recovery isn’t black and white. Be a scholar of your F’ups. Have the courage to review them and you will become what you are meant to become.
[1:04] Rapid Fire Round
- What would you say to your younger self?
Everything is going to be all right
- What is an unexpected perk of sobriety?
You get your health back.
- What advice would you give to listeners who are thinking about ditching the booze?
There is more than one path, and it might take you a minute to get there. Just be patient and kind to yourself.
Odette’s Summary
Odette reminds us we are doing a great job. Be empowered to take the steps you need to stay on this path, but also to seek out and create your safe container. You deserve it.
You are not alone, together is always better! Stay weird, stay goofy, stay you.
Upcoming events, retreats, and courses:
- Bozeman 2021 (August 18-22, 2021). This is our flagship annual retreat held in the pristine forests of Big Sky Country, 10 miles south of Bozeman, Montana. During this 5-day event, you’ll discover how to expand the boundaries of your comfort zone.
- You can find more information about our events
Affiliate Link for Endourage:
For 10% off your first CBD order with Endourage visit this link and use the promo code elevator at checkout.
Affiliate Link for Amazon:
Shop via Amazon using this link.
The book, Alcohol is SH!T, is out. Pick up your paperback copy on Amazon here! You can get the Audible version here!
Resources:
Connect with Cafe RE – Use the promo code OPPORTUNITY to waive the set-up fee.
Recovery Elevator YouTube – Subscribe here!
Sobriety Tracker iTunes
“Recovery Elevator – Without the darkness you would never
know the light – I love you guys”
by Kris Oyen | Apr 12, 2021 | Podcast
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Subscribe to the Recovery Elevator Podcast Apple Podcasts | | More
Episode 321 – Be kind to yourself. It’s ok to give yourself as much love as you are giving to someone in active addiction. Give yourself love and grace. It’s ok not to be ok. It’s ok not to have all the answers.
Today’s podcast will be a slight departure from our traditional format. Today we will hear from Aimee, who is the wife of one of our members. Aimee will share from the perspective of what it’s like to live with someone struggling with alcohol addiction.
Aimee is the wife of Kris, one of the members of Café RE. Kris shared his message on episodes 175 and 278. He also does a lot of work for Café RE. Take a listen. Kris stands out by helping others and being of service.
https://www.recoveryelevator.com/re-175-anxiety-and-alcohol/
https://www.recoveryelevator.com/re-278-day-one-emotions/
Registration for the Bozeman retreat is open for Café RE members today and will be available for non-members tomorrow. For details, go to:
www.recoveryelevator.com/bozeman .
Odette’s Weekly Message – Finding your better you.
Odette is focusing on loved ones. She is an adult child of an alcoholic. She has experienced her own struggles with addiction and married someone who struggles with addiction.
When Odette’s Dad went into treatment, she was advised by the counselor that the whole family would be impacted. While only one family member has the disease, everyone gets infected at some level.
Being a part of the solution for her Dad was a tough spill to swallow. Odette attended Al-Anon to learn how to take care of herself while her Dad was treating his addiction. Odette remembers how scary some of the meetings were because of the number of broken relationships. Her inclination was to try to fix the problem, but she quickly learned she had to get out of the way and learn to take care of herself. She is still learning to detach with love by setting boundaries.
[10:33] Odette introduces Aimee.
Aimee is 37 and lives in North Dakota with Kris and their two kids. She is a teacher, loves playing piano, singing, and leading worship at her church.
[13:45] Tell us about your journey and how you experienced life with Kris.
Aimee met Kris her freshman year of college and fell in love right away. She was so enthralled with him; everything seemed normal.
Kris was deployed overseas in the military. He would call Aimee and was always drinking when he called home to deal with the stress of deployment. Aimee knew there was a problem. They got married, and when Kris came back from deployment, Aimee got pregnant right away. Kris was deployed again, and Aimee didn’t drink because she was pregnant. Kris came home ten days before Ava was born, and they were two different people because of the time apart. Kris’s drinking continued to escalate. They went through ups and downs, and Aimee thought things were getting better.
Their marriage has been a wild adventure because of moves, career changes, etc. Aimee had a mix of resentment and shame about Kris’ drinking. At the height of his drinking, he would turn things around on her to avoid being attacked. As a couple, they tore each other apart. Aimee tried to protect Kris. She would set the alarm so she could pick up the beer cans before the kids got up in the morning. She lied to her pastor about Kris’ absences and recognized she was compromising her values.
Kris’ emotions were intense and amplified when he was hungover.
[10:15] Did you start second-guessing yourself?
Aimee said she was constantly questioning if she was enough. She took her marriage vows very seriously and started to become a doormat. There was a lot of manipulation. Kris would gaslight Aimee about his drinking, the bank account, and other things. Engaging in church and prayer was instrumental for Aimee. She began to realize that being a martyr or savior wasn’t a safe place to be. She couldn’t compromise her safety. They went on a road trip, and Kris drove drunk for five hours, and Aimee was overwhelmed and exhausted. Prayer helped her resolve that she couldn’t live that way anymore.
[22:57] What did you do when you realized you couldn’t do it anymore?
Aimee said after the road trip, the conversation between them shifted. She begged Kris to get help. He asked her who her lawyer was and said he would never love her enough to quit drinking. It took Aimee a long time to start to forgive him. She didn’t believe him anymore, and it took a long time to rebuild trust.
[24:13] Was church a source of support for you?
Aimee said she couldn’t do it on her own. Her church community never told her what she wanted to hear; they told her what she needed to hear. The church encouraged her to focus on herself and her next steps. It was the first time Aimee looked inside and didn’t focus on Kris.
[26:44] How did you shift from feeling like a victim to looking within?
Aimee said the church worked with both of them separately and helped keep them on the same page. Aimee prayed and meditated a lot. Kris surrendered. They both surrendered at different times. Aimee had to let go of the bitterness. She said she was drinking poison and expecting Kris to get sick. She told Kris she loved him and didn’t know what to do. It was a shift and became a point of empowerment for her to trust others and do work on herself. They went to marriage counseling, and Aimee went to counseling on her own. Aimee did EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) to deal with trauma from her marriage and her past. Aimee has done a lot of work learning how to build relationships, and the experience has been life-changing.
Aimee still has some flashbacks, particularly on road trips. All of their positive interactions slowly replace the negative ones of the past. While it may be a cliché, time does heal
[33:02] Tell me about the dynamics at home? How have the kids responded?
Aimee said they have been very open about their story with the kids. Dinner time is their favorite time now, and it was the worst when Kris was drinking. Their son wrote a book about the adventures of his sober Dad. He even quoted Paul Churchill’s book, “Alcohol is Shit!”. Their son looks forward to hugging his wife now that Kris is demonstrating new behaviors with the family.
Aimee shared that she and Kris have learned emotional and spiritual intimacy as well as physical intimacy. Their conversations are more vulnerable than the physical connection. It has been a lot of hard work, but so worth the effort.
[38:27] How is your experience with Kris in Café RE and other people in sobriety?
Aimee said Kris joined Café Re when they were separated. She said it was hard at first because Kris was being celebrated for all of his sobriety milestones. She was envious of his coins – where was her medal? Aimee has been to a Café RE meet up in Minneapolis, and she prays for all of the people she met. She supports Kris’s model of “leave nobody behind”. She doesn’t mind the interruptions, and she supports his efforts with prayer. Aimee loves how Café RE retreats benefit Kris’ recovery. She always notices a positive difference when she comes home, and she knows that helps their family.
Café RE feels Aimee’s support through the videos she posts when Kris reaches a milestone. Aimee said five years ago, she never would have believed they would be where they are today. She is excited and believes the best is yet to come.
[43:14] Do you drink? Are you a normie?
Aimee hasn’t had a drink in 7-8 years, and she doesn’t miss it at all. She likes tea and doesn’t favor the LaCroix as Kris, and the rest of us do.
[44:06] How were you able to separate that it was not about you?
Aimee said, when she figures it out, she will let us know. Recovery is like peeling back the layers of an onion. She encourages all spouses to be kind to themselves. It’s ok not to be ok. It’s ok not to have all of the answers. Lean in on your Faith, regardless of what you call your Higher Power. You will need it to move through recovery as well.
Odette’s Summary
Odette encourages all family members to check out recommended Al-Anon, Melody Beattie, Smart Recovery for Friends and Family, Pia Melody, and traditional therapy.
Resource Links:
https://al-anon.org/
https://www.smartrecovery.org/family/
https://melodybeattie.com/
http://www.piamellody.com/
By helping yourself, you are better at supporting your loved one.
You are not alone, together is always better!
Upcoming events, retreats, and courses:
- Bozeman 2021 (August 18-22, 2021). This is our flagship annual retreat held in the pristine forests of Big Sky Country, 10 miles south of Bozeman, Montana. During this 5-day event, you’ll discover how to expand the boundaries of your comfort zone.
- You can find more information about our events
Affiliate Link for Endourage:
For 10% off your first CBD order with Endourage visit this link and use the promo code elevator at checkout.
Affiliate Link for Amazon:
Shop via Amazon using this link.
The book, Alcohol is SH!T, is out. Pick up your paperback copy on Amazon here! You can get the Audible version here!
Resources:
Connect with Cafe RE – Use the promo code OPPORTUNITY to waive the set-up fee.
Recovery Elevator YouTube – Subscribe here!
Sobriety Tracker iTunes
“Recovery Elevator – Without the darkness you would never
know the light – I love you guys”
by Kris Oyen | Apr 5, 2021 | Podcast
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Subscribe to the Recovery Elevator Podcast Apple Podcasts | | More
Episode 320 – Keep an open mind and see what happens. Reach out to people, make sober friends, and you are going to find your way. Just let go.
Cassie took her last drink on August 29, 2019. She is from Colorado and is 30 years old. This is her story of being Alcohol-Free (AF).
Café RE Merch
https://www.recoveryelevator.com/merch/
Discount code: PANDA
Finding Your Better You – Odette’s weekly message
Odette has been speaking with many people who got sober and stayed sober during the pandemic. She is amazed and impressed with these folks making major life choices to ditch the booze during a global crisis.
Odette wants to remind you …. you can do hard things.
As Covid begins to recede, Odette can’t help but wonder what post-Covid sobriety will look like? As we return to normal or the new normal, how do we prepare for what’s next? Odette likened this to her rehab experience and working with her rehab team to develop a treatment plan when she left rehab. Many people fear leaving rehab because you are going back into the real world without the safety of a controlled, safe space.
What does your treatment plan or sobriety toolbox look like for the “new normal” after COVID restrictions have subsided? What boundaries and guidelines do you need to set up for yourself?
Proper preparation prevents poor performance – thank you, Odette’s Dad, Carlos.
Develop a plan to protect your sobriety.
[07:53] Odette introduces Cassie
Cassie’s last drink was August 29, 2019. She is celebrating18 months and switching up some of her tools to maintain sobriety. Cassie leads Café RE’s “young people” chat.
Odette was recently contacted by a 19-year-old trying to find his place in sobriety. Cassie said it’s incredible for someone so young to start a recovery journey. She encouraged all young listeners to keep an open mind, reach out, find sober friends, let go, and you will find your people and your way!
[11:12] Tell us a bit of your background.
Cassie is 29 years old, living in Denver, and is a receptionist for a urology clinic while pursuing her Bachelor’s in nursing. She is doing pre-requisites now. She lives with her boyfriend, recently bought a house, and has two dogs. She loves snowboarding during the winter, paddle boarding, hiking, and rock climbing during the summer and hopes to explore dirt biking soon.
[13:14] Tell us about your history with drinking.
Cassie had her first drink at thirteen. One of her first memories is stealing peppermint schnapps with a neighbor at her parent’s house. She got alcohol poisoning, and her mom sent her to middle school the following day with a hangover. She had to clean up her mess after school.
By freshman year of high school, she continued to drink with friends and consumed on the school bus on the way to school. She was suspended for drinking.
Before eighteen, she was in legal trouble for drinking and quickly building a party girl’s reputation. She was all-in with alcohol; she never drank one or two drinks. She drank to fit in and did not fit in with the nerds or the popular crowd. She would hang out with the skaters, smoke pot, and throw parties at friend’s parents’ houses when they were out of town.
She got into the music scene, particularly raves, and traveled across the US to music festivals to catch different artists. She doesn’t remember many of the concerts because she was wasted.
[16:28] Were you aware that your drinking was becoming a problem?
Cassie said she was not self-aware. She knew she was a troublemaker, but her friends drank like she did. During her formative years, she didn’t go to class much. She dropped out of college because partying was her priority.
[17:58] How long did that chapter last?
Cassie said awhile, probably ten years. She still enjoys music but can now enjoy music sober.
[18: 33 ] Did you have to transition into adulting?
Cassie was always working during that chapter, and she changed jobs a lot because of the seasons. She started working in the medical field in 2015, and she relaxed her drinking a bit.
[19:48] Did anything happen in your life that forced you to grow up a bit?
Cassie said getting into the medical field was a real transition. She had to deal with patients and knew she had to be responsible. She was living with friends and wanted to take care of herself and maintain independence.
[21:14] How did your relationship with alcohol evolve?
Cassie said during the music festival chapter she was binge drinking because there were no rules. She transitioned from being a binge drinker to having beers after work and being a weekend warrior. Her drinking eventually got out of hand. She was only drinking on the weekends, and she tried to moderate. She leveraged the gym to keep her AF during the week. Moderation didn’t work for Cassie.
One of her roommates, a dear friend, passed away in a kayaking accident. She believes it may have been alcohol-related. It became a big turning point for Cassie. Her other roommates drank heavily to cope with the shock and grief. Cassie became a pillar of strength for them. She binged occasionally but started to see that drinking wasn’t what she wanted for herself. She moved back home, and her parents were also heavy drinkers.
Her drinking escalated, and within a year, things completely fell apart. Cassie lost herself. Going to brunch to drink in the morning or pre-gaming a baby shower with alcohol felt normal. She started sneaking beers in her room, so if she woke up in the middle of the night, she would have alcohol close at hand. Cassie is still working through feelings and learning to stop blocking her emotions.
[29:44] How did this progress into you deciding to quit?
Cassie said she wasn’t working at the beginning of 2019. She was drinking beer in her bedroom, taking tequila shots and not eating regularly, taking showers, or going to work. She lost her will to live.
One day her Dad came into her room and asked, “what do we need to do?” Cassie was afraid of the withdrawal. She went to the ER, then to medical detox for a day. She stayed home for three days, got rid of most of her belongings, and moved to Phoenix to live with her mom. She had some starts and stops in Phoenix. Then her mom moved to Texas. Cassie moved back to Colorado and told herself, “I’ve got this.” Her drinking advanced rapidly. She had a four-day bender and told her step-mom she needed to go through detox again. She did, and she hasn’t had a drink since! Cassie said the second time, she knew it was time to own up to it and take some action. She didn’t want to die.
[35:48] What was your plan after leaving detox to start stacking days?
Cassie moved in with her sister’s Dad. She wanted to move to a sober environment. Her Dad and step-mom continued to drink, and she didn’t want to ask them to stop. Her step-mom referred her to Recovery Elevator and offered to pay for her first month if she wanted to check it out. The Facebook group helped her stay accountable, and she went to her first sober meetup within 30 days. Making connections helped a lot. She also saw a therapist for the first six months. She began getting more involved in Café RE. At about a year, she started hosting webinars. Now she is doing a lot in the recovery community because it keeps her focused on her sobriety. At six to eight months, she felt a shift. After a year, she had experienced several FFT’s (F*ing first times) – first concert, first wedding, etc. Now she is exploring past traumas and learning what caused her drinking. She is going to AA meetings, looking for a sponsor and reading, “Recovery” by Russell Brand. She enjoys the structure of AA. Cassie has big plans for the future and hopes to eliminate the stigma of addiction and let people her age know that sobriety is fun! She is excited about the future. She wants to build a family, re-write her family’s sobriety trajectory, and inspire others along the way.
[46:16] Do you still get cravings?
Cassie said yes, but the cravings are seasonal depending on what’s happening in her life. Cravings are more of a fleeting thought now, and her sober circle helps her stay accountable. She is aware that cravings often come with change and external factors. If she lightens up on the self-care, the cravings creep up. She knows what tools work and can anticipate what’s coming and how to manage it.
[50:11] Rapid Fire Round
- What would you tell your younger self?
You are worth it. Have faith, and everything will work out the way it is supposed to.
- What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
It’s currently Snicker’s ice cream bars.
- What has been a lightbulb moment for you on this journey?
The more you connect, the less you think about alcohol.
- What is an unexpected perk of being sober?
Being able to do what I want at any time of day because I don’t have to worry about drinking.
- Are sober concerts better?
100% yes! It’s one of the best experiences.
You might need to say Adios to booze if …
You wear a hoodie to sneak alcohol anywhere, including your room.
Odette’s Summary
Make time this week to create your post-Covid plan. Plant a seed, create steps of action to set yourself up for success. Write it down, share it with a friend, have your own back.
You are not alone, together is always better. Sobriety is our super-power!
Upcoming events, retreats, and courses:
- Bozeman 2021 (August 18-22, 2021). This is our flagship annual retreat held in the pristine forests of Big Sky Country, 10 miles south of Bozeman, Montana. During this 5-day event, you’ll discover how to expand the boundaries of your comfort zone.
- You can find more information about our events
Affiliate Link for Endourage:
For 10% off your first CBD order with Endourage visit this link and use the promo code elevator at checkout.
Affiliate Link for Amazon:
Shop via Amazon using this link.
The book, Alcohol is SH!T, is out. Pick up your paperback copy on Amazon here! You can get the Audible version here!
Resources:
Connect with Cafe RE – Use the promo code OPPORTUNITY to waive the set-up fee.
Recovery Elevator YouTube – Subscribe here!
Sobriety Tracker iTunes
“Recovery Elevator – Without the darkness you would never
know the light – I love you guys”
by Kris Oyen | Mar 29, 2021 | Podcast
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Subscribe to the Recovery Elevator Podcast Apple Podcasts | | More
Episode 319 – When I was stressed out at work or stressed by a social situation, alcohol would fix it temporarily, until it didn’t. Now I’m accepting moods, feelings and phases come and go and it’s all okay.
Korie took her last drink on March 21, 2019. She is from Texas and is 32 years old. This is her story of living alcohol-free (AF).
A request from Recover Elevator
We have a request; we would like to hear more from you! Please consider making a one-minute video sharing your, “you might need to ditch the booze if… story”. Hold your camera sideways, make it less than a minute and send it to: info@recoveryelevator.com. Make it authentic to yourself and your journey. We will post your video on Instagram. If you share your Instagram handle, we will post that as well. We look forward to seeing more of you on our page. Instagram: @recovery elevator.
Finding Your Better You – Odette’s weekly message
Rediscovering your life beyond recovery. You are all unique. We are more than a drinking problem; we are more than recovery. The life we now enjoy would disappear if we returned to drinking. It is easy to feel uniqueness –submerged in recovery. In sobriety we don’t know when things will get better, but they do. Sobriety is a piece of your whole life. We all have the opportunity to learn and re-learn who we are.
Maintenance is important to secure your sobriety. If you stay the course, you get to graduate. You always focus on maintaining sobriety, but it’s not all day every day, it becomes a piece of your broader life. There are so many benefits to being present in sobriety – you can have your cake and eat it too.
[8:12] Odette introduces Korie
Korie said her last drink was 3/21/19. She grew up in Austin, Texas and is 32 years old. Korie was abroad and lived in Japan and Singapore and came to the US when she was 6 years old. She is engaged and just bought a home outside of Austin. Pre-quarantine, Korie was a social butterfly. Now, she stays home more than she used to and loves getting outside, running, reading, drawing and anything artsy.
[11:46] Tell us about your history with drinking.
Korie doesn’t remember her first drink of alcohol. She would have a sip or two of her Mom’s wine and thought it was disgusting. In high school she was in a few programs that required her to sign a contract saying she wouldn’t drink or party. She followed the rules. In college she remembers drinking, getting dizzy, self-control was gone, and she didn’t want it to stop because she liked the feeling. She didn’t drink often.
She worked in the restaurant industry which breeds lots of drinking. It felt normal, until it didn’t. When she graduated from college, she moved to Spain to become an Au Pair and drank a lot there. She remembers staying out all night, being hung over and thinking she may have a problem and her drinking wasn’t normal. The nightlife continued when she returned to the US. She remembers getting drunk, getting sick and making bad decisions?
[15:13] What thoughts were you having about your drinking?
Korie felt pretty justified because she judged her drinking based on what other people were doing. She knew it wasn’t who she wanted to be
It started to feel not right. When she left the restaurant industry, she recognized it wasn’t normal to drink every night. She had a broader circle of friends to compare herself to. She was working as a virtual concierge and was calling in to work, saying she was working from home, but just too hungover to go in. She realized she was still drinking like she had in her twenties. She never wants to experience an emotional rock bottom again.
[18:46] Did you ever talk to anyone about your drinking?
Korie said a former boyfriend spoke to her about her drinking. She got defensive and thought he was a bit paranoid. Looking back, she realizes he was right to be concerned. At 24, Korie verbalized concerns to her best friend, but kept drinking. She started asking questions to people who went to AA.
[20:48] Did you ever attempt moderation?
Korie took a few weeks off of drinking before she stopped altogether. On March 21 she had three glasses of wine and realized she couldn’t stop. She knew the urge was so great and knew she was powerless over the urge. She stopped then and that was it, she was done.
[22:40] Have you asked yourself why you drank or why it was so hard to stop?
Korie said it was a variety of things, but the feeling of not belonging and trying to numb that feeling was at the top of the list. Toward the latter part of her drinking, she began to feel less than when comparing herself to her friends and alcohol helped … until it didn’t. Korie’s self-esteem has substantially improved since she quit drinking. Her skin is clearer, she feels healthier, happier and she isn’t so self-conscious anymore.
When Korie was stressed out at work or stressed by a social situation, alcohol would fix it temporarily, until it didn’t. Now she is accepting moods, feelings and phases come and go and it’s all okay. Korie works hard at being accepting of others.
[30:17] How did things change for you after you quit drinking?
Korie said she felt different, it was black and white, and she knew she couldn’t drink anymore. She listened to several podcasts, read some blogs and followed sober people on Instagram. She decided to check out an AA meeting near her home and it was all women. It was exactly what she needed at the time and she appreciated everyone’s honesty. Nobody glossed over their emotions. In addition, she started going to Sans Bar which is an alcohol-free bar. She was scared, but met the owner, Chris Marshall, and felt welcomed. She was very connected with the sober community in Austin until Covid hit. Now podcasts and connecting with friends keep her sober.
[35:26] What do you do when you get a craving? What tools work for you?
Korie doesn’t get cravings often and has learned she is usually hungry when she gets a craving. She eats and drinks water. When it’s an emotional craving, she turns off her technology, goes for a walk or connects with friends. Vocalizing the craving gives it less power and the cravings pass within 20 minutes.
[36:36] How did your family and friends react to your new lifestyle?
Korie told her best friend who was supportive and didn’t make a big fuss. Their friendship became closer. Some of her friends were surprised and asked why she quit drinking, but she never heard anything negative. Her friends make sure to have AF beverages. Her parents have been very supportive, particularly her Dad. Her mom respects her choice but doesn’t completely understand it. Dating after sobriety was a challenge. Several dates ended quickly. Her fiancé is supportive and asks lots of questions; he is a great partner.
[40:02] Did you experience fear of missing out (FOMO)?
Korie said absolutely, but within a few weeks she would hang out at Sans Bar. She went out, drank soda water with lime, and loved that at midnight she went home, instead of to the next bar. Post quarantine, she has no FOMO at all.
[41:45] Has your sleep improved?
Korie said she slept through the night immediately and she stopped grinding her teeth. Her dog interrupts her sleep occasionally, but her sleep is dramatically improved.
[42:25] What do you say when people offer you a drink?
She says no, thanks. Early on she said, I don’t drink – as a way to be accountable. Now she just asks for a Coke or a Topo Chico. Most people don’t bat an eye.
[43:04] What is your favorite AF beverage?
Coffee with almond creamer – iced or hot. She also loves sparkling water.
[43:33] Do you have any triggers?
Korie said work stress is her biggest trigger, particularly at the end of the day. She takes a step back and practices calming the trigger or craving.
During the summer when it’s hot, or after a run, she often craves alcohol.
[45:34] Rapid Fire Round
- What are you excited about right now?
Korie is excited to talk to Odette and get her story out there. She is hoping to help others and excited about getting her two-year chip.
- What books are you reading?
Korie is reading the John Adams biography and she loves American history. She also reads the Bible regularly.
- What is a lightbulb moment for you in this journey?
I am ok just the way I am and people like me when I’m not drinking.
- What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Moose tracks. It can be found in the Northwest. It’s chocolate fudge, peanut butter cups and chocolate chips in vanilla ice cream.
- What piece of guidance would you give listeners who are considering ditching the booze?
It’s worth it and your life doesn’t stop. It’s so worth it.
You might have to say adios to booze if …
You are so hungover, that the next day you are throwing up at 8 PM.
Mentions:
http://thesansbar.com/
Odette’s Summary
You are more than this struggle, not just your drinking struggle, but any struggle. Leverage recovery to your advantage to build a foundation and you can be whoever you want to be. Recovery is a lot of work, particularly in the beginning. Keep your head up, don’t get discouraged and remember it gets better.
You are not alone and together is always better. You are a bright star in the universe. Shine on!
Upcoming events, retreats, and courses:
- Bozeman 2021 (August 18-22, 2021). This is our flagship annual retreat held in the pristine forests of Big Sky Country, 10 miles south of Bozeman, Montana. During this 5-day event, you’ll discover how to expand the boundaries of your comfort zone.
- You can find more information about our events
Affiliate Link for Endourage:
For 10% off your first CBD order with Endourage visit this link and use the promo code elevator at checkout.
Affiliate Link for Amazon:
Shop via Amazon using this link.
The book, Alcohol is SH!T, is out. Pick up your paperback copy on Amazon here! You can get the Audible version here!
Resources:
Connect with Cafe RE – Use the promo code OPPORTUNITY to waive the set-up fee.
Recovery Elevator YouTube – Subscribe here!
Sobriety Tracker iTunes
“Recovery Elevator – Without the darkness you would never
know the light – I love you guys”
by Kris Oyen | Mar 22, 2021 | Podcast
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Subscribe to the Recovery Elevator Podcast Apple Podcasts | | More
Episode 318 – No matter what comes your way, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. So, live with it, don’t try to change it and do the next right thing.
Tony took his last drink on October 24, 2020. He is a 42-year-old Canadian. This is his story of living alcohol-free (AF)
Finding Your Better You – Odette’s weekly message
Recently Odette has been asking listeners, what is a perk of getting sober? The answers have included, no hangovers, improved sleep, wallet and overall health.
Odette also asked listeners about the ripple effect, the not so obvious outcomes of living AF. The responses included:
- Ability to manage my finances
- Ability to help others who are struggling
- Stronger and more meaningful relationships
- I am present and more productive participant of my life
- I understand and feel gratitude
- I am more aligned with the person I work so hard to be
- I am a better employee
- Building confidence
- Better hand-eye coordination
- Path of emotional discovery
- Running and being active
- Understanding my authentic identity and not being so self-conscious when sharing my authentic self with the world
- I learned to ski
- Anything is possible when you are not hungover
- Patient
- Nicer
- House is cleaner
- Tackling projects
- New friends
- People in sobriety are not boring, they are cool and fun
- Repairing relationships
- Procrastinate less
- Better parent, more firm, able to hold boundaries and be kinder
- More playful
- Don’t need a shield (glasses) to hide anymore
- I’m a morning person
- I have fun
- I binge eat less
- I’m proud
- I am more organized
Sobriety tools become life tools that help us become better versions of ourselves. Odette is more forgiving of herself and others. Her standards, for herself and others have changed. She is less of a perfectionist. She has more grace toward herself and others. She is more connected to her humanity and doing her best, day by day. She says what she really means, vs what she thinks she needs to say. She is okay with not being liked by everyone and aware of her tendency to be a people pleaser.
What are your unexpected perks of sobriety?
[8:50] Odette introduces Tony.
Tony took his last drink on October 24, 2020. He is from St. Paul, Alberta, Canada. Has 3 children: a son (18), a daughter (15), a daughter (10) and a stepson (23). He is currently a full-time student since his career came to a halt when he entered rehab last year. Tony enjoys anything outdoors, particularly tobogganing, snowboarding, skiing …anything outside.
He is currently separated from his wife.
[12:34] Tell us about your history with drinking.
Tony lost Mom when he was 13 in a tragic car accident. His first drink was shortly after that and by15 he remembers getting blackout drunk. Drinking made him feel bullet-proof. It helped him avoid the pain of grief.
He did well in school, he was an honors student. After graduating from high school, he followed his Dad’s working on the road. He would binge drink occasionally.
He got into the oilfield business. He said, you earn a lot of money, work hard and play hard. When he was on the road, he and his colleagues would party. His drinking was normalized because everyone did it. He and his high school girlfriend had a son.
When he returned home, his drinking was chaotic. He drank more, passed out regularly. His drinking felt normalized, because everyone was doing it.
His Dad offered him a job as a crew supervisor. He was trying to taper his drinking because his son was around, and his daughter was on the way. As he went into management he isolated more, which led to drinking when he got back to his hotel. He would average 5-6 beers a night.
He also began engaging with other women while he was on the road. He got caught and within four months, his girlfriend was done with him. He immediately jumped into another relationship; it was perfect because they both drank to excess. His drinking continued to escalate.
[18:02] You have mentioned your drinking was normalized. Did you have conversations with yourself about your drinking?
Tony said he believed his behavior was normal. He followed his father’s example. He saw his Dad as the best Dad in the world, his Dad never brought his problems home or drank after work. Tony went to more extremes than his father. He needed the alcohol to feel normal.
[19:46] How did your relationship unfold?
Tony was married within seven months and he got married to spite his first girlfriend who was the mother of his first two children. They welcomed a child after a year. Within 14 months, his wife asked for a divorce. He entered a 12-step program to save his marriage, but it about saving the relationship, not his own development. His wife filed for divorce and he went back to work on the drilling rigs. He went home and his doctor started him on Ativan. He drove home, blacked out and was in a head on collision with a semi-truck. He lost his arm in that accident. His wife never came to the hospital. He was devastated, but his drinking ramped up.
Tony started looking for a relationship, drinking 5 night a week, trying to rehabilitate after losing his arm and he was offered a job with his Dad’s company. His drinking continued to escalate, and he started losing days. On the surface he was highly functioning, making lots of money. He didn’t think his drinking was a problem.
[23:52] How was your heart feeling? Did you enjoy drinking?
Tony said he was transitioning from enjoying drinking, but once he was intoxicated, he was going through the motions. Most of his happiness was just pretending. He also realized his arm was never going to grow back. He gave up on life. Within two years, he met his current wife and they really hit it off. He was honest about his journey and he was happy initially. His co-dependency continued to emerge. He proposed and got married. His drinking slowed down, but he wasn’t happy with his life, his promotions, his income, his car, nothing was ever enough. A friend invited him and his wife to a music festival and Tony let loose. After that, his drinking ramped up. He was the life of the party and everything felt real again. He got a job working for the government so he could be home. The money wasn’t great, and he started drinking every night in the garage. He often fell asleep in the garage. The alcohol stopped working, so he started smoking marijuana. Marijuana became a pattern, but within 5 months it stopped working. He started doing hard drugs, specifically cocaine.
He recognized in 2019 that he needed to go to rehab because he was addicted to cocaine. He hid his cocaine addiction well from his family. He discussed it with his wife and went to a treatment center in January of 2020 with the intention of getting clean and saving his family. Upon discharge, he worked his program and got a sponsor. He returned to work and within 45 days he relapsed. He went to Fort McMurray (a hot bed for addiction) and when he returned home, he picked a fight with his wife, drank 40 ounces of Scotch, destroyed the house and had suicidal ideations. He had a plan to kill himself with heroin but was pulled over by the Royal Canadian police and woke up in a jail cell. While in jail, he had chest pains and was hospitalized. The doctor advised he was having an allergic reaction to the alcohol. After he was released, he lost his job. Tony continued to have suicidal ideations. He asked his son to take him to the hospital and he was admitted to the psych ward and was sent to a treatment facility. He opened up and got honest. After he was released, he decided to go back to school. He moved to BC, enjoyed school, isolated himself and relapsed.
On October 23rd, he took his last drink/drug. He had a gun on one side and a phone with his sponsor’s number on the other side. Within a few hours, he called his sponsor and began working his program and the steps. He now lives in Medicine Hat and he says every time he tells his story, it gets a little bit lighter.
[37:03]. What has been the contributing factor to your resilience?
Tony said his resilience comes from his Dad. His Dad is his hero; he always gets up after he falls down. He quit drinking and never picked up again. He made it through many challenges and helped Tony to realize who he is.
Tony has pushed his Dad away several times which he attributes to addiction.
[39:34] You have said that your life is re-starting, does that give you hope?
Tony said that in the last 75 days he has never been happier. He had lots of time not drinking before, but he wasn’t working a program. He is so glad he never picked up that gun and he his son are now best friends.
Tony is proud that he has been able to put the substances down and rebuild his life.
[41:18]. Tell me how your body has responded to sobriety?
Tony said he was fortunate because he detoxed before going to treatment. He never went on benders, so the physical detox wasn’t terrible (the cold sweats, shakes, etc.). In sobriety, he lost 20 pounds, he is hiking and tries not to beat his body up. He tries to get good sleep and helps his body and feels amazing.
[43:54]. Tell me about your spirit. How have you healed emotionally?
Tony has two sponsors (NA and AA). He speaks with one for 30 minutes minimum, daily. He also talks to another addict or alcoholic daily. He believes it is important to stay connected. He goes to AA and NA meetings. He sees a therapist once a month and a trauma counselor once a month.
His sponsor has told him, no matter where you are, it’s where you are supposed to be. Deal with it, don’t try to change it and do the next right thing.
[48:18]. Rapid Fire Round
- What are you excited and hopeful about right now?
Completing my schooling so I can enroll in an additions counseling program.
- What would you tell your younger self?
Don’t give up on yourself. You will have bad days, but there are more good ones.
- What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Vanilla with chocolate syrup and sprinkles.
- Do you like Tim Horton’s (coffee)?
Yes, but I prefer McDonald’s coffee.
- What parting piece of guidance can you give to listeners?
No matter what you are not alone. Give those that reach out to help you a chance. Let them love you until you can love yourself.
You might need to Ditch the Booze if ….
You are drinking Jack Daniels and Coke out of your prosthetic arm.
Odette’s Weekly Challenge
Odette continues to find unexpected joys in being sober. She is learning to slow down. While she still has a full plate, she isn’t looking for extra things to fill up her time. She likes herself, so she doesn’t have to hide anymore. She chases the pauses and feels her feelings instead of chasing the highs. She knows she is not perfect and has learned to appreciate her progress.
Remember you are not alone and together is always better. This journey is full of unexpected surprises. Enjoy the ride!
Upcoming events, retreats, and courses:
- Bozeman 2021 (August 18-22, 2021) This is our flagship annual retreat held in the pristine forests of Big Sky Country, 10 miles south of Bozeman, Montana. During this 5-day event, you’ll discover how to expand the boundaries of your comfort zone.
- You can find more information about our events
Affiliate Link for Endourage:
For 10% off your first CBD order with Endourage visit this link and use the promo code elevator at checkout.
Affiliate Link for Amazon:
Shop via Amazon using this link.
The book, Alcohol is SH!T, is out. Pick up your paperback copy on Amazon here! You can get the Audible version here!
Resources:
Connect with Cafe RE – Use the promo code OPPORTUNITY to waive the set-up fee.
Recovery Elevator YouTube – Subscribe here!
Sobriety Tracker iTunes
“Recovery Elevator – Without the darkness you would never
know the light – I love you guys”
