by Paul Churchill | Aug 16, 2016 | Uncategorized
Four years ago today I ran 26.2 miles in three hours, five minutes, and 42 seconds. It was and still is the shortest length of time it has taken me to complete that distance. I am extraordinarily proud of that personal record, but I feel as though it should have several asterisks after it, because the number doesn’t even begin to tell the whole story.
The average person, for example, might look at that number and be mildly impressed. He or she may be familiar with the marathon distance, may have several friends who’ve completed one in 4:xx or 5:xx, and may think, “wow, that’s pretty quick, especially for a woman.” He or she would not know that I logged 80-100 mile weeks from January through April of that year, or that I completed dozens of workouts that indicated I was capable of a sub-3 hour marathon. This individual, unless he or she were compelled to look closely at the splits from that humid June morning, would not know that I ran 21 miles at 6:45 pace before succumbing to stomach issues and dehydration.
But perhaps most important: no one who saw that race result could possibly have any idea that it marked the beginning of a slow and painful decline in the form of alcoholism. Prior to that race, I was able to balance my training with my drinking, but that summer it started becoming more difficult, and in the months that followed, when I had to make a choice between alcohol and running, alcohol started winning.
I have not run a strong marathon since.
One month and two weeks ago today, at 36 days sober, I completed a training run in preparation for another marathon. My goals for this race, while realistic, were optimistic. I hoped to get to the starting line healthy and injury-free. I hoped to run a strong, confident, smart race. I hoped to restore a little bit of confidence that maybe I can continue to improve at this sport. I hoped to qualify for Boston, something I haven’t done in nearly two years, despite easily qualifying in my first-ever marathon back in 2007.
I finished the aforementioned run, 16 miles at about 8:00 pace, around 7:45pm that evening.
Fifteen hours later, I was called to a conference room and informed that, after ten years of better-than-average evaluations, I was no longer gainfully employed. “Your position has been eliminated,” they said without emotion. Almost immediately, the sinister voice was awakened. “You don’t have to get up for work tomorrow,” it hissed.
Twenty-four hours later, I was drunk out of my mind and had completely forgotten about not only running, but everything that matters in this world, and everyone who cares about me.
Forty-eight hours later, I was still drinking.
One week later, I was drinking literally around the clock and wanted only to be unconscious. I’d wake up sick and shaking at 5:00 am, reach for the bottle next to my bed, drink what was left of it, and (if I was lucky) return to a brief and merciful state of semi-consciousness, where I could forget the hell that my life had become. Several hours later, when the stores opened, the cycle started over. I stopped caring if anyone saw me. I stopped trying to hide what I was doing. I went to bars and I went to liquor stores. I drank. I remember some of it. There was a kind bartender who held onto my wallet after I dropped it before stumbling home. A lunch date with a good friend during which I tried unsuccessfully to string together sentences, failing miserably, while spilling food all over myself. (He later admitted that he was “shocked” at my appearance.) There was a woman who caught my arm as I fell backwards, asking gently where I lived and if she could help me. I couldn’t tell her; I knew, but I couldn’t use words. I slurred helplessly and tried to run away, falling over and over again before finally finding my front door, and eventually, my bed.
(I’m going to stop here and state for the record that I live in a city known for its high-crime rate, a city about which not one buttwo award-winning TV shows have been created documenting such crime, and yet no one tried to hurt me or take advantage of me in this horrifying state. I experienced nothing but kindness.)
Two weeks, three days, and approximately one hour after that last training run for the marathon I never started, I took my last swallow of alcohol, and the following day I did the unthinkable: I checked myself into rehab.
I completed inpatient treatment on June 8, 2016. That same afternoon I ran again in the sunshine for the first time, and I felt something different, something indescribable.
In four days I will celebrate one month sober, again.
This is a different kind of marathon. There is no finish line for this one, no stopwatch, no competition, no medal.
But it’s the most important race I will ever run.
by Paul Churchill | Aug 15, 2016 | Podcast
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SHOW NOTES
[ 00:47 ] Paul Introduces Annie
Annie has been sober for 2 years. She never thought twice about her drinking because she didn’t know enough about it. Annie started journaling about her drinking habits as an exploration in March of 2013 which enabled her to stop drinking in December of 2013. Annie is from Colorado and works in marketing. She is married with children and loves the outdoors (hiking, skiing).
[ 02:08 ] When did your Elevator hit its bottom? When did you finally decide to stop drinking?
Annie was living in London when her Elevator hit bottom the first time. Annie and her family were going to the London Eye (an amusement park) and she had decided it was a good idea to bring in two large beers, packed in her purse, to sip on. “I dropped my purse and the beers exploded, spraying beer all over my children and my parents.” “I had a ‘What the fuck has happened, what am I doing?’ moment right then.” On another trip, Annie was traveling all over the world for work, she comments, “You’d take off on the airplane and get drunk, and then I’d justify having drinks in the lounge… I was pretty much existing on coffee and alcohol. I realized that I had to get back into regular mommy life. I just remember sitting there thinking, Whoa, what is this?'”
[ 04:27 ] Talk to me about your drinking habits?
“The plans are my worst enemy! As soon as you start to try to stop something, it becomes even more tempting. It’s like putting yourself on a diet.” Annie had all sorts of ideas/plans: no drinking until 5pm, only having 2 glasses of wine (but after two she didn’t care how many more she consumed), trying to have a sober day… “I remember finding an excuse every single day to drink. I was driving myself further and further into separateness and defensiveness.”
[ 06:31 ] How did you make the change (into sobriety)?
“I didn’t seek help. I just didn’t know any better. I didn’t know what I didn’t know (referring to all the resources out there). I had a different kind of ‘talking-to’ with myself one day in the Heathrow airport, I decided to give myself permission to write about this, to explore this in a mindful way.” Dr. John Sarno’s work really inspired Annie to dive deeper into understanding her need to drink.
[ 09:59 ] What was it like?
Annie’s research took her on a journey for 8-9 months. “I was still drinking during the research, but by the time I stopped, I had made peace with it. On an emotional level, I felt free.” “It was like being sick to save my life for about a month. There were a lot of tears and a lot of laughter and joy.”
[ 13:23 ] This Naked Mind – Control Alcohol by Annie Grace
Paul lets the Cat out of the Bag (meow!) – Annie Grace wrote, “This Naked Mind – Control Alcohol”. It is a MUST read for recovery.
[ 14:40 ] What was the push back like after writing a book that wasn’t based on AA?
“I questioned the word ‘alcoholic’ because in my research, any organism can become addicted to something. I took issue with this because we are all built with flesh, blood, bones, and cells… We are all the same. The word ‘alcoholic’ is really a solace for people.”
[ 20:12 ] Annie talks about the Hedonic Threshold and the fact that alcohol is just plain addictive.
[ 25:17 ] What is the difference between the conscious and the unconscious mind?
Annie speaks wholeheartedly about protecting her unconscious mind and understanding the need to have self-compassion, self-worth and acceptance in this process.
[ 31:15 ] Annie’s Projects
This Naked Mind – Control Alcohol is available on Amazon. She is also working on a second book that focuses on the first few years of her sobriety, highlighting techniques she used to maintain a clean and naked mind and keep the garbage out. Annie is also putting together a video-based course complete with worksheets and exercises that she hopes to launch this Fall (2016).
[ 32:12 ] Rapid Fire Round
- What was your worst memory from drinking? [ 32:20 ] “Not having the memories. I don’t remember moving day and moving days are supposed to be special. I lost that day.”
- Did you ever have an “oh-shit” moment? [ 32:52 ] “I had a lot of those. They were all at 3AM when I’d wake up and couldn’t remember how much I’d drank the night before.”
- What’s your plan in sobriety moving forward? [ 33:10 ] “Continuously protecting my unconscious mind, continuously asking “why” and “what.”
- What is your favorite resource in recovery? [ 33:33 ] “Ten minutes of watching my breath every single day.”
- What’s the best advice you’ve ever received (on sobriety)? [ 34:11 ] “It’s more about living than it is about sobriety. Living alcohol free and living your life.”
- What parting piece of guidance can you give to our listeners who are in recovery or thinking about quitting drinking? [ 34:56 ] “Right now, in this moment, FORGIVE YOURSELF. Realize that you’ve been caught in an addictive trap. The sooner you can get to a place of acceptance and love yourself through this, opens the journey to becoming sober.”
QUOTABLES
“There are so many people who are heavy drinkers, who don’t believe they are alcoholics, because we use it (the word ‘alcoholic’) as a shield to defend our addiction.” – Annie Grace
“Shame, guilt and self-loathing just don’t work. We need understanding, acceptance and love.” – Annie Grace
“Acceptance is the answer.” – Paul
“As soon as you start to try to stop something, it becomes even more tempting. It’s like putting yourself on a diet.” – Annie Grace
Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Connect with Cafe RE
- For $12.00 per month, you can unlimited, private access to groups of like-minded people via meetups, private-unsearchable Facebook groups, and travel.
- First month FREE with Promo Code Elevator.
Promo Code: Elevator
Connect with Annie – https://thisnakedmind.com/annie-grace/
This Naked Mind – Control Alcohol
Dr. John Sarno’s work
“We took the elevator down, we gotta take the stairs back up, we can do this!”
Don’t forget to support the Recovery Elevator Podcast by shopping at Amazon with the Recovery Elevator link:
www.recoveryelevator.com/amazon/
This episode was brought to you by Cafe RE and get your daily AA email here!
by Paul Churchill | Aug 8, 2016 | Podcast
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Some of my best memories are those of camping with my family in Southern Utah. Camping growing up use to consist of fishing, catching lizards and snakes, watching the sunrise and sunsets.
It was a simple and joyous time that I spent with my family. These are fond memories. But, somewhere along the line, my camping experiences diminished, the joy of spending time in nature was replaced with hot dogs, booze and passing out.
Last weekend, I was camping with Ben (my partner in crime, my four-footed friend), we had called it a night and crawled into the back of my truck in the woods of Montana. Now, these are real woods, mountain lions, grizzlies, etc. Nature is not to be taken for granted around here. Suddenly, around 2am, I awoke to Ben’s perked ears and sounds of snapping branches. The sounds grew louder as whatever was roaming the woods got closer… I reached for my headlamp… And…
GOATS! Rocky mountain goats, a herd of them… Now, if I had been camping with hot dogs and booze I would have been PASSED OUT (probably face down in a pile of biting red ants at that!) and would never have experienced this beauty, this joy. The goats brought me out of the truck where I was then able to see the expansiveness of the sky and the stars and experience the cooling sensations of the pine trees. Nothing needed to change. I didn’t need to drink a Keystone Light or 50 of them…
I am now getting back my memories and creating new memories that are more than just a party. Memories such as this that fill me up with satisfaction, connection, and awe.
AND NOW… onto the podcast!
SHOW NOTES
Paul Introduces Westin
Westin is from Indianapolis, Indiana. He is 33, has been married for 7 years, and has an amazing little girl who is turning 4 in September. “She is the most important thing in my life alongside my sobriety.” Westin works at an addiction treatment center as a “Recovery Coach.”
How long have you been sober?
Westin has been sober for 2 years and 363 days, he is 2 days away from 3 years of sobriety! “Right now I’m in a place where I have to count days again. I’m in a weird place where I just have to count.” says Westin on his sobriety.
When did you realize it was time to quit drinking?
“My bottom was 3 years ago almost to the date. I woke up face down on my Mom’s couch, not knowing how I got there, and not knowing what happened over the past 24 hours. I was highly addicted to Klonopin and drinking on top of them. I looked up from the couch and just saw this look of utter disappointment on my Mom’s face. It was different. I had unknowingly gone through her medicine cabinet the night before, and found all sorts of pills in my pockets.”
What were your drinking habits?
“I was a blackout drinker from the age of 17. I was never trying to control it, I thought it was normal. I was proud of the amount of alcohol I could consume…” “But, I was physically addicted to it… Always struggling with anxiety and shaking. I couldn’t function without that first drink, and then the pills took over.”
What does it mean, when you’re back to counting the days?
In the early days of sobriety Westin was counting: 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, 1-year sober… Getting those next tokens, proving to himself that he could do this. “I needed the external motivation. From 2-years sober to just now I didn’t count, I didn’t need to, but now, I’m back to counting the individual days. I’ve been referencing my sobriety tracker, and just trying to get through each day. It’s not a comfortable feeling.”
The whole ‘God’ word in AA. That one word kept you from getting sober… Expand on that.
Westin discusses his “religious” philosophy and how he made AA work as an agnostic. Westin had been agnostic (without knowledge, an individual who does not claim to say whether God exists or does not exist) most of his life. AA taught Westin to own his agnosticism, his belief system. “I’m now more comfortable being honest and open with who I am, and AA taught me this. I found a way to make my beliefs, or lack thereof, work within the framework of AA.” The gift of desperation allowed Westin to take what works and leave the rest…
How did you do it? (on getting sober)
Westin went to a treatment center, Fairbanks Hospital in Indianapolis. “I looked at my wife and said, I think I need some help with this.”… “We tried to do a walk in, but like a good addict I had just finished the rest of my klonopin refill (half of the prescription), so I had to wait. I went through a 7-day long detox and then a 6-week intensive outpatient treatment.”
What emotions did you feel?
“I had anxiety through the roof. Drinking brought about terrible, terrible anxiety… But now, I didn’t have my self medicating procedures in place. I had to face it. My anxiety was peaked out for 6 months. Drinking was not an option.” “That was my first time going into treatment, I had been looking for a solution, and I just kept doing all the things that were recommended to me. I still struggle with social anxiety. I still can’t attend a basketball game or a big social event…”
What is your recovery portfolio like today?
“My recovery is inspired by my work, surrounded by people who are on this same journey. I don’t want to be that guy who is physically in shambles and I get to see that every day. I attend a minimum of 2-3 meetings a week. If I’m struggling, I hit the meetings hard.” Westin takes a holistic approach that includes: AA and the 12 steps, eating better, daily physical exercise, and alone time…
Rapid Fire Round
- What was your worst memory from drinking? “Waking up with the shakes, just yelling out in pain with the convulsion I was feeling in my body.”
- Did you ever have an “oh-shit” moment? “In retrospect, yes. I was drinking at my Mom’s house, everyone else had gone to bed and I’m up taking shots by myself… She comes downstairs and gives me that look like, “What is wrong with you?!” I was past the point of control.”
- What is your plan moving forward? “Continue moving forward one day at a time, continue being teachable, and sharing my experiences with others.”
- What’s your favorite resource in recovery? “Meetings are really, really important along with interactions with recovery podcasts – Recovered Podcast & Beyond Belief – and the recovery community.”
- What’s the best advice you’ve ever received (on sobriety)? “Take what works and leave the rest.”
- What parting piece of guidance can you give to our listeners who are in recovery or thinking about quitting drinking? “If I can find a way to make this work, then literally anybody can. Anybody can find a way to make it for them.”
QUOTABLES
“I need to get plugged-in, connected back to my recovery network.” – Paul (on being in a recovery rut)
“Take what works, and leave the rest.” – Westin
You might be an alcoholic if…
“You continue to drink once everybody else has been asleep for hours.”
“If you are still thirsty at 2am in the morning.”
Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Connect with Cafe RE
- Cafe RE Meetup in Chicago Oct. 14-16 – If you’d like to join us, head over to Cafe RE!
- For $12.00 per month, you can unlimited, private access to groups of like-minded people via meetups, private-unsearchable Facebook groups, and travel.
- First month FREE with Promo Code Elevator.
Promo Code: Elevator
Recovered Podcast
Beyond Belief Podcast
Fairbanks Hospital
“We took the elevator down, we gotta take the stairs back up, we can do this!”
Don’t forget to support the Recovery Elevator Podcast by shopping at Amazon with the Recovery Elevator link:
www.recoveryelevator.com/amazon/
This episode was brought to you by Cafe RE and get your daily AA email here!
by Paul Churchill | Aug 2, 2016 | Early Sobriety, Expectations
So when I think about my mind, I imagine myself paddling a canoe, with the water beneath me as my thoughts. Sometimes it’s a pleasant current underneath a warm sun. Other days, it’s a bit rainy, maybe a few waves, but manageable.
Today, on the other hand, I was getting tossed around tumultuous stormwaters. Lightening was striking, thunder was booming, and my paddles were flailing about in feeble attempt to steer my lurching vessel. It was exhausting.
And, in typical alcoholic fashion, my first instinct was to crawl into a hole. I yearned for isolation. I wanted to be far away from ANYBODY. You know, alone, with all those amazing, self-defeating thoughts of mine!
BUT that was simply not an option tonight! Because for my business I had to be present at one of the biggest community music events and be social. I was dreading it. UGH! MY LIFE, IN SHAMBLES, BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE BUBBLY! WOE IS ME.
So I went. And I saw that wine, and I thought…”Oh, I’ll just start again tomorrow. What’s another Day 1? I’ve already had a rough day and I’ve eaten tons of sugar and I want to feel social.. etc etc excuse excuse.” There I was, wanting to ENHANCE with booze.
But I let the thought come, and then I let it go. I was DETERMINED to PROVE to myself that, yes, I CAN have a BLAST sober.
And guess what? I totally did. It was awesome. Shared some great laughs with old friends. Came to a very profound realization that being present for and connecting with others really helps pull me away from myself (AH-HAH, so THAT’S how AA works!).
After it was all said and done, I drove home, set my stuff on the counter, poured myself a drink of water, went into my room, looked around, and that’s when I realized….
The water beneath my canoe was calm. I could practically see the full moon reflection shimmering on the water’s surface. Couple of frog chirps, even.
I had made it through the storm. I wasn’t sideways anymore. Everything is fine.
Sometimes we just have to trust that this, too, shall pass.
by Paul Churchill | Aug 1, 2016 | Podcast
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Simon, with 15 years of sobriety, shares how he did. Three years ago, Simon started the Hope Rehab Center in Thailand and has been helping people change transform their lives.
I recently read the book “This Naked Mind – Control Alcohol” by Annie Grace and the chapter covering the how the brain worked was fascinating.
Conscious: Aware of something, knowing that something exists or is happening.
Unconscious: The part of the mind a person is not aware of but is a powerful force in controlling behavior.
Consciousness: Being aware of something within oneself. The upper level of mental life that a person is aware of as contrasted with unconscious process.
Warning: This may blow your mind…
- The unconscious mind is responsible for desires.
- Studies show we have two separate thinking systems: the conscious mind and the unconscious mind.
- When we want something to change in our life, we usually make a conscious decision. However, drinking is no longer a conscious decision.
- The unconscious mind doesn’t always get the memo!
- Unconscious learning happens automatically and unintentionally.
- We are conditioned to think drinking enhances our lives and makes us happy.
- This is why when we want to drink less, our unconscious mind tells us to drink more. [Insert major dilemma here.]
- We have been conditioned to believe in alcohol. To believe that me and some random Captain would make it happen.
- The unconscious mind is not logical. It’s comprised of feelings, experiences and observations. It’s the source of love, jealousy, fear, kindness and sadness.
- When a person makes a decision to quit drinking alcohol, their unconscious mind is never in on that conversation. I have to say, “Gary, pull up a chair, let’s have a chat.”
- Studies dating back to the 1970’s indicate our unconscious mind makes a decision 1/3 of a second faster than our conscious mind.
- The unconscious mind controls the emotions. When someone tells you to stop having a bad day, that never works. But over time, positive reinforcement can work.
- Liminal thinking, which we will get to in later podcast episodes, is how will cover how to converse with the unconscious mind.
- The unconscious mind is formed by beliefs, conclusions, assumptions, experiences and observations. Often, it is far separated from reality which is where the conscious mind lives.
- Our culture of ‘drinking makes everything better’ has been ingrained into our unconscious mind without us ever knowing. One easy way to challenge this, which we often never do, is to look for external validity. For example, bud light makes you a better beach volleyball player. Go to a beach and try to find a real life example if this. It won’t happen!
- We let the unconscious mind determine our thinking because we like certainty. In the conscious mind, there is so much unknown and that is always scary. The unconscious mind is a bubble of safety where we feel comfortable.
- Why did I find it so hard to quit drinking? Well, I knew I wouldn’t have a good time at a social event sober, I knew I wasn’t funny, I knew I wouldn’t be able to chat with girls. I never stood a chance at quitting drinking unless a pain point was strong enough, aka, the bottom.
- We can address this by bringing unconscious experiences, observations, assumptions and conclusions, into conscious thought. We do this through knowledge and practice.
- Before we drank alcohol, we were happy joyous and free, we didn’t miss it.
- The Author Terry Pratchett says, “We need to be able to at any time, accept that fact that we all could be absolute and utterly wrong.”
SHOW NOTES
[ 11:43 ] Paul Introduces Simon
Simon is from the U.K. and now lives in Thailand. Simon has been sober for 15 years. He is 53 and is so grateful to be alive. Simon loves traveling.
[ 12:58 ] What was your bottom? When did you finally decide to stop drinking?
“I think I had many bottoms. Rock bottoms. My absolute rock bottom came when I overdosed as a heroine addict – I woke up alone on my kitchen flow with the syringe still in my arm. My mother was leaving food parcels outside my front door and I realized that my mother would have been the one who found me if I did not wake up. This drove me to get help again. It was a 12-step rehab and I fully embraced it.”
[ 15:22 ] Where did alcohol play a part in all this?
It played a part consistently throughout, often alcohol was the substitute for drugs. “I’m an addict and an alcoholic, but to me they are just words.” The foundation of this 15 years in recovery was in AA. I went to AA seeking some maturity and rigorous direction from a sponsor. My last bottom took me to a place where I was willing to do anything to recover.
[ 17:45 ] On Simon’s Center in Thailand – Hope Rehab Center
It’s a traditional, 12-step rehab center combined with contemporary methods like mindfulness and fitness. We also use CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to address thinking patterns that may be destructive. We do detox for both alcoholic and drug-users.
[ 19:38 ] Mindfulness
It encourages a practice whereby a person doesn’t engage in their thoughts. It’s more about letting go of the thoughts, letting them flow by, clearing the mind. “Being present in the moment.”
[ 21:19 ] How many times have you been to rehab?
“Luckily I got the opportunity to go many times, 12 times, but please understand that a number of times I left very, very quickly. I would run. Demand my possessions. And run. No one could have stopped me. I wouldn’t follow through and then the same old gremlins and demons would come up.”
[ 24:00 ] Paul summarizes the roadmap to recover. One is too many and one thousand is not enough…
[ 28:53 ] What are your success rates at Hope Rehab Center?
This is a very, very serious business. It’s a life and death disease. The people are very passionate, it’s a very high-stress job. ‘We’ are up against big odds. It has to do with personal motivation, the motivation of the client. We are very, very strict and take only highly motivated participants.
[ 36:38 ] What is the stigma like in Thailand?
[ 42:11 ] What does your recovery portfolio look like today? Walk me through a day of Simon.
In my early recovery I was a gardener and I went to at least one meeting a day. I knew that I needed to stay real close. I began to mature and then to travel. I continued with self development and participated in the Mankind Project, developing my consciousness and spirituality.
[49:19] Rapid Fire Round
- What was your worst memory from drinking? “Waking up on the dock in Athens, Greece with no money, covered in scrapes and bruises, feeling so sick and not knowing how I was going to get back to England.”
- Did you ever have an “oh-shit” moment? “I think I swapped my first car for some drugs.”
- What is your favorite resource in recovery? “It’s a personal choice, but the third step, the spiritual, has made all the difference to me.”
- What’s the best advice you’ve ever received (on sobriety)? “Let it go. Just let it go.”
- What parting piece of guidance can you give to our listeners who are in recovery or thinking about quitting drinking? “Reach out and accept some help. We can’t do it alone. We need to do it together.”
QUOTABLES
“When you do something mindfully it means focusing your intention solely on a thing.” – Simon
“I cannot afford to do it once. Not once.” – Simon
“Don’t live in ‘No Man’s Land,’ that place where you’re not really happy, but you’re not unhappy enough to do anything about it. Don’t passively accept what comes your way; drive your life toward what you really want.” – Anthony Robbins
Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Connect with Cafe RE
- Cafe RE Meetup in Chicago Oct. 14-16 – If you’d like to join us, head over to Cafe RE!
- For $12.00 per month, you can unlimited, private access to groups of like-minded people via meetups, private-unsearchable Facebook groups, and travel.
- First month FREE with Promo Code Elevator.
Promo Code: Elevator
Hope Rehab Thailand Center
Hope Rehab Center on Facebook
Mankind Project
“We took the elevator down, we gotta take the stairs back up, we can do this!”
Don’t forget to support the Recovery Elevator Podcast by shopping at Amazon with the Recovery Elevator link:
www.recoveryelevator.com/amazon/
This episode was brought to you by Cafe RE and get your daily AA email here!
