by RE Helper | Feb 15, 2025 | Alcohol Free, Blog, Early Sobriety, Healing
Today’s blog entry is from Katherine D. Katherine is a member of Café RE.
Sobriety Souvenir
By: Katherine D
“It’s that little souvenir, of a terrible year, which makes my eyes feel sore”
The music had been in the background of my attention until that lyric just struck out to me; that little souvenir of a terrible year. I made a mental note to look up the lyrics and turned my attention back to the morning routine. Coffee. Organize bag. Dishes in the sink.
“Here’s where the story ends. It’s that little souvenir, of a terrible year, which makes my eyes feel sore”
The lyric broke through from the background again and I started to smile, almost laugh, as I paused and reflected back.
November 2022
Feeling lost, adrift, alone, isolated and stuck. You know what I’m talking about; just all the feels. I had to make a change. After decades of self-destruction, I was finally doing the work. I was seeing a therapist. I was journaling. I had stacked days again, but I was largely alone with only podcasts keeping me company in between weekly chats with family. I decided to leave early for the holidays and drove south where the world wasn’t buried in snow.
Alcohol was in and out of the picture and I’d be lying if I said I was drinking responsibly, particularly as I was traveling by car. But, I was convinced I needed it to endure and, while I knew it was a problem, it wasn’t something I was ready to tackle just yet. I had enough problems. Finding a job since returning to the US had been a struggle, but I was on track to getting a government job with my foot in the door. It wasn’t a great wage, but it was getting me out of the living situation I was in. It was getting me out of education. It was getting me a new start.
That’s when I would do it.
That’s when I would quit.
That’s when things would start to go right for me.
I just had to make it until January.
December 22 2022
The job falls through. Budget cuts. I can stay on the waitlist but there will be no job for me in Portsmouth come January. Well, at least I hadn’t already signed a lease and put myself in further financial challenge. I had only mentally sketched out my new life; plotted out where my gym was going to be, where I was going to grocery shop and how long it would it be before I got a dog. The loss of my newly envisioned life cut me deep and sent me further into – I can’t, I won’t, I can never kind of thinking.
December 25 2022
Test positive for covid and spend the next week sicker than I’d been since covid first came to town. I was, again, isolated and alone. I was at my father’s house caring for his cat while he and his wife were away. And even though I was sick as a dog and only going from the bed to the couch, you would think I’d be drinking tea and caring for myself. Of course not! Vodka, filler up! With a little bit of cranberry so I get my vitamins. In my mind, it was the only thing that made this shitty little existence better.
I would spend the next two months drinking heavily, bouncing back and forth between my father’s house in Ohio and my mother’s house in South Carolina, and spending every day, all day, obsessed with finding a job. Did I mention I’m in my 40s?
Mentally I was clearly not in a good place.
Physically I was in an even worse place. Looking back, I’m surprised no one said anything directly to me about my state and appearance, but I’m sure there were thoughts and side conversations.
My thoughts, my body and my life didn’t feel like my own. It was like watching myself from the outside. I didn’t recognize myself. I didn’t know what I’d done or who I was anymore. Worse, I didn’t know how to make it better and was chasing the false hopes.
March 2023
I was back in education and teaching. But this was not like any school I had been at before. I had ignored the warning signals and red flags. I just saw it as a paycheck and a way to get back on my feet.
I endured more than I should have for months, but what it did do was get me back on my feet financially and able to get my own place, at an exorbitant price. In addition to teaching, I would have to get a second job.
I managed to stack days again and developed some healthy routines. Not only did I get a second job working at a local concert venue, but also started hosting trivia. The jam packed schedule with three jobs and just the basics of life to maintain myself, I didn’t have time to wallow in myself and I was getting the much needed social connections that I needed.
I was also bingeing and teetotaling like a Jekyll and Hyde.
August 2023
Moving up in the world – I got a job at one of the best elementary schools in the district!
Again, I ignored all the red flag and squashed my concerns. I convinced myself that this was going to get myself back on track.
Nevermind that I was still stuck in the groundhog day of Day 1.
Nevermind the fact that I knew I was my own worst enemy.
No one could say worse about me than what was running through my own mind on a moment to moment basis. I was doing better at squashing that voice, but I was still sitting in the front row and a very attentive audience to that self-sabotaging voice.
November 2023 – The Knockout Punch
A month of illness had landed me in the ER.
Testing confirmed that I had had Mono, but it wasn’t treated, in fact, it was kicked off worse and amplified due to the Strep throat meds I had been on, yep, Strep too. So with the Mono amplified and still in classrooms with 720 students each week, I got Pneumonia. Because, of course, I was still drinking.
I had had it.
I couldn’t.
Not one more Day 1. This had to stop. It was the root from which nothing was ever going to grow. I didn’t know if I could make it through the holidays, but I had to try and this was different.
I knew I was going to die if I didn’t.
November 2024
Just over a year without alcohol.
“… Here’s where the story ends
Oh, here’s where the story ends
… It’s that little souvenir, of a terrible year, which makes my eyes feel sore”
I don’t know what the song is really about.
But sobriety is my souvenir of a terrible year. It’s a souvenir I’ll be keeping.
At the time of submission Katherine has 13 months without alcohol and just finished a three month long journey across the US and Canada. She is excited to return to international teaching and in January will relocate to Monterrey, Mexico, as a middle school design teacher.
by RE Helper | Jan 15, 2025 | Alcohol Free, Blog, Early Sobriety, The First 30, The first Year
Today’s blog entry is from Jamie Riel. Jamie is a member of Café RE Blue.
Hope Rising: The First 30 Days of Sobriety
By: Jamie Riel
The first thirty days of sobriety began where the fifty years of drinking left off. It’s not my first attempt at being sober—far from it! There had been many first days and several short stints with sobriety, but the myth of moderation was powerful – a relentless false god. Of course I can control it. Of course I can drink responsibly.
Of course, I couldn’t.
The last binge began shortly after my wife left for an overnight visit for a baby shower. My moderation plan listed 2 drinks. In retrospect, a 2-drink limit on an overnight alone is downright cute. A sober joke. I mean, I’m staring at hours of blissful alone time. I put up a front of confident self-restraint all morning, even as the tiny voice inside laughs and knows what is to come. By midnight, the counter is littered with empty beer cans, scotch nips, a pinot grigio bottle. Shame rushes in. The self-loathing of failure. The lie is revealed again.
It is time. I haven’t reached bottom because I know I can go deeper and I sense how ugly that would be. This is as deep into the ugly that I dare go!
There is nothing fun about these first 30 days. I constantly vacillate between rising hope, ecstatic relief, and naked fear. Though I am certain sobriety is the right decision, a driving inner force screams there is no way in hell I am going to do this.
Emotions flitter in and out like backyard birds to the feeder.
This is the most surprising element in these first days. I have used alcohol for decades to mask or manipulate my emotions. Now, with the booze gone, they appear at unpredictable times, and engulf me. At times I am overwhelmed with feeling vulnerable. Fragile. Untethered. But, I strive to be more mindful and eventually can watch my emotions pass as clouds in the sky, rather than as storms I need to shelter from or trudge through.
Fear sits on my shoulder every moment, sometimes just quietly resting, sometimes whispering in my ear, sometimes screaming! Fear of drinking again. Fear of not drinking again. Fear that I am actually going to do this! Fear that I can’t! I keep going.
Regret visits me more and more.
The realization that I took my first drink 50 years ago is staggering. The poor decisions I made, the people I hurt, the self-loathing I nurtured that dragged me down during those many years. The time and energy and opportunities squandered. The money wasted. What have I done? Pushing down the regret is like trying to keep water from overflowing from a bucket with my hands.
But there is much relief in letting go of my near constant obsession with planning the drinking day, letting go of the constant schemes of keeping the drinking evidence hidden, the determination to keep the buzz under control. Relief in no more nursing hangovers so I can feel good enough to drink again in the evening. The mornings become heavenly.
I burn ships.
I tell people that I am no longer drinking, but that is not the hard part. The challenge is in sharing the why, and though I don’t need to share that with everyone, I do need to share it with those closest to me. I know it keeps me accountable, that there is now no going back without people noticing. I fear that when I tell them, they will be disgusted with me. They are not. They ask how they can help. They say they admire my decision. My hope rises.
I tell them I am not drinking because I can’t. For me, moderation is a myth. One, two, three drinks is simply never enough. I share that I have been drinking for decades and that it has always been an integral part of my life. I tell them I binge when I am alone:
“Ah, yes, I see,” they say. “I never knew.”
“I know,” I respond. “You weren’t supposed to.”
“Ah,” they say quietly. They smile.
I don’t.
Joy and shame walk this new path hand in hand. There is joy in the realization that I won’t be lying about my drinking anymore, and shame in the amount of lying I have done. The shame is as bright as a desert sun in June, and though I shelter from its powerful heat, it is always there. I realize the impact of adopting honesty with myself and others is a magnificent gift of sobriety, and the fact that I am forgiven for the lies by those who love me is a gift beyond measure. It helps dilute the shame. I begin to forgive myself.
Sobriety is my priority.
I visit the Café RE platform several times a day, attending chats and sharing – though it is scary as hell. The support of these people is amazing! I am not alone. I listen to RE podcasts for the stories of others – “look for the similarities” – and there are many. I read “Quit Lit.” I create and listen to a sobriety playlist.
I develop a Relapse Prevention Plan which proves to be so important. Pushes me to put into words the naked truth about me as a drinker. I read it every 10 days or so as a reminder. I tweak it to make it a truer reflection of my present place and purpose. I share it with my sobriety team. They say they are honored to be there for me. My hope rises.
I talk to my wife every day about how I am doing. Share the darkest secrets. Explain what addiction feels like until she finally realizes that she will never fully understand, and that seems to free her to love and support me even more. I realize how much my actions have hurt her. She has been waiting for the true me for a long time. Maybe our love will grow stronger. My hope rises.
I fight cravings with focus.
Sometimes I write. Sometimes, physical activity like walks and hikes. Work on our land. Listening to podcasts and music. I align the activity with the force of the craving. Deep desires to drink require hikes on forest trails or chopping firewood. The witching hours of 4:00 – 7:00 are never left to chance. RE podcasts, chores, physical and/or mental exertion and focus.
I always loved the ritual of drinking. Creating mocktails in elegant glasses has redefined the ritual and does not trigger me, but rather adds a comfort to my palate and mind. An NA IPA at “beer-o’clock,” an old ritual redesigned for a new life. A dealcoholized cabernet with several splashes of non-alcoholic bitters give it the oaky-edge on the palate. Spritzers of all kinds.
I embrace mindfulness meditation and return to writing to revisit and restore my inner self. I begin building a new life that has no room for alcohol.
I believe that giving up alcohol is not a burden to live with for the rest of my life, but an opportunity to live my life more fully. This focus is my mantra.
I am living under no illusion. Things are getting easier, but the cliff to that ugly bottom is never far away. At this writing I am 60 days in. Sobriety remains a major focus. It will continue to be. It must be. As long as it is, hope rises in me every day.
by RE Helper | Dec 15, 2024 | Alcohol Free, Blog, Inner Peace, Nature
Today’s blog entry is from Hannah J. Carter. Hannah is a member of Café RE Blue.
What You Need Is Around You
By: Hannah J Carter / 10-31-24
We live in the day-and-age of “order this, email that, swipe here, scroll up, notify this, remind me of that, DING, DING, ALERT, ALERT, ALARM, ALARM”. It is all…way too much. It is all…not good for us. Sometimes the more modernized our lives become, the more unpleasant and unsatisfying they become. We find vices when the world becomes all too overwhelming. When we feel like there is no pause button. I drank my troubles away; or so I thought I did.
Do you purchase your issues away? Eat your trauma? Smoke your shame? As a society we look for ways to unplug. We look for the answers to our problems; sometimes desperately. Life at times can feel like we are all swimming to keep our heads above the water line with no land in sight – but why? Why are we, to what seems at times, hopelessly swimming to a shoreline that is never going to come? What you need is already all around you. What you need has been here all along. Sometimes when we sit and look around, the answers come to us. We just need to sit, un-plug, un-send, un-tweet, un-attend, un-wind, and un-human ourselves to see the answers we need are already here.
Life Is A River: Flow or Resist
I don’t have to say it but we all know that life gets well….”Lifey”. At times it feels like we are the universe’s personal joke and when you are already down, you get kicked again for the fun of it. While that may not be a news flash to you, this may be. You get the choice of accepting life or not accepting it; and that choice is only yours to make. That tree limb that fell on your car during that last thunderstorm, will not re-attach itself to the tree if you are angry enough.
Life does not offer a reverse button when our emotions are spiraling. Unfortunately, that is just not a matter of fact. Fortunately, you have the choice to flow with the river of life, like a leaf floating downstream, or resist it, like the lifeless boulders on the river’s edge. We all know the easier option. We all know the option that will help keep us sober. Accept the flow of life and you too will keep moving forward.
Perfectionism Is Overrated
I remember before every social event I would drink. I would drink to feel cooler, to feel more social, to feel more perfect for the party, searching relentlessly for perfectionism with my ex-partner-in-crime, alcohol. Want me to jump ahead and ruin the end of the story for you? Shocker! It didn’t work. It didn’t work for many reasons. Nature reminds us that perfectionism is sinister, it’s overrated.
Perfectionism is a concept that simply does not exist in nature. A tree is never perfectly straight. No leaf mirrors the next. Nothing is perfect yet it’s the most perfect system on this earth. You are whole the way you are. Your “imperfections” are actually your superpowers keeping you closer to the light, letting you absorb more energy, and leaning you towards the right direction. You are enough as is. No drink, no person nor no substance can fill a spot that was never empty to begin with.
Nature Does Not Think Twice, She Knows
As humans we are faced with tough decisions at times. Confusion and worry can fill our headspace causing anxiety, stress, and uncertainty. Deep down we all have the “feeling”. That little voice that wants to force its way from the inside out. That little voice is the collective of your morals, values, and beliefs. Much like the earth, ours are centered deep within us too. What really makes us us, is well, within us.
Again, just as the earth we have layers upon that focused, authentic center. Layers of life experiences, emotions, thoughts, realities, and the rest of this messy, exhilarating journey called being a human. When nature makes a decision, it is based within instinct. A flock does not question the direction it migrates because inside it knows the right answer. A baby bird may falter for its first flight, but it never second guesses the capability of its own wings. When you feel off-centered, lost, or hopeless lean in. Think about and trust what is at the center of yourself; what you know versus what you believe. Deep down you know the right answer, choose it. It is calling loudly for your selection.
Take A Walk Outside With Me
It’s Fall outside. The leaves are turning rainbow colors of light yellow, rose red and burnt orange. Your body is buzzing from the end of a busy day. You can’t seem to feel calm, you can’t seem to gain that sense of peace you felt when you first awoke this morning, you plant your feet, hearing the smashing sounds of gravel and dried leaves under your shoes. A gust of wind rushes through your hair. You close your eyes and take a deep breath. The wind takes your worries and stress away like a thief in the night. Suddenly you notice the sound of a bird calling in the distance. The rustle of a changing season. You can hear the melody of mother nature embracing another chance for a fresh start. Your eyes open and you walk on.
Weaving through the maze of trees, you see glimmers of light jetting through the small spaces in the canopy. Illuminating the color-rich trees like a cathedral’s stained-glass windows on a Sunday morning. You can feel the presence of something bigger than you all around, you soak in the years of wisdom the forest offers, you embrace the quiet, the stillness, the peace. Suddenly, the buzz and chatter that once filled your head is no longer there. A playful squirrel darts across the walking path, bringing a small yet significant smile to your face. You begin to remember the simple pleasures in life. Next, you’re filled with gratitude and peace. All of this from a simple walk? Yes, all of this from a simple walk outside.
Thank You For Reading
These lessons can be received in many different ways. To some this may really hit home. Per say, a light bulb may have gone off above your head. To others the cheesy examples of nature to life lessons can cause an eye roll or two. To that, all I will say is, Fair! Regardless, what I hope you take out of this spiel is that life can be crazy, heavy, and utterly chaotic at times but instead of searching for answers, look around.
Nature teaches us many lessons about the importance of community, learning from growing, acceptance, taking only what you need, being grounded and so much more. Maybe the answers to our answer-less questions are already here? Maybe instead of searching, we need to be listening, instead of drowning ourselves in what the world says will fix our problems, we get back to our roots? We get back to where it began for us all. We get back to nature.
by RE Helper | Oct 15, 2024 | Blog, Gambling, Helpful Tips, Resources
Today’s blog entry is from Bobbie Malatesta. Bobbie has been a member of Café RE since February 2020.
Gambling…the Addiction Hidden in Plain Sight
By: Bobbie Malatesta (Café RE UP)
If you’ve met me in the community or heard me share, you probably know this about me. My first drug of choice was gambling addiction. My sobriety followed 999 days later, sort of by accident. When I was preparing to go to Asia with our Recovery Elevator family, I was following the request to have 30 days without alcohol before going to an RE event. For the sake of today’s conversation, the rest is history.
I probably should have ditched the booze when I went to rehab in 2017 for gambling, but I wasn’t ready at the time. A few people actually asked if I was going to treatment for the alcohol or the gambling problem. It wasn’t time for me to quit drinking then, but I am happy to report that I attribute some of the skills I acquired through that journey to helping me stay sober today.
This scenario of being both a problem gambler and drinker simultaneously isn’t unique to me. That’s what prompted me to write this. Although drinking is a substance and gambling is a behavior, they share one important thing in common…they’re both normalized in the world we live in.
Legalized online gambling is in more states now than it isn’t. During that Asia trip, I unknowingly walked into a casino because they directed us there to use the restrooms. At an Recovery Elevator Atlanta meetup, the gas station had five slot machines. While driving through Montana to get to the Recovery Elevator Bozeman Retreat, I saw mini casinos at many of the gas stations along the way.
In every convenience store and grocery store, we can get powerball or scratcher tickets. At work, you can gamble on brackets or join in lottery pools, at fundraisers you can participate in raffles and the list goes on.
Gambling is deeply ingrained in our society, and the problem keeps worsening. I believe I gambled for the same reasons I drank, to numb and escape. Not every person who has or had a challenging relationship with alcohol will have one with gambling, but it is important to shine the light on the possibility.
My intention for sharing my thoughts on this was let you know a couple key points.
- Gambling is everywhere and it can be dangerous
- There are resources and help out there- Facebook communities, podcasts, national and state agencies and so much more.
- We are probably a bit higher risk than those who don’t have addictive behaviors on their resume
- It’s not about the money
It is my mission to raise awareness around problem gambling and if you ever have any questions, please feel free to contact me. 203-565-5646
One of my favorite premises that Paul shares is the concept of identifying the problem. He says in relation to alcohol, that if we are asking ourselves if we might have a problem, then we might have a problem. The people who don’t have the issue, usually aren’t questioning themselves.
I truly appreciate Recovery Elevator for the opportunity to share this message!
With Love and Gratitude,
Bobbie
by RE Helper | Sep 15, 2024 | Alcohol Relapse, Blog, Early Sobriety, Science and alcohol, Uncategorized
Today’s blog entry is from Dan B. Dan has been a member of Café RE since January 2022. He can be found on our zoom chats and supporting fellow members of Café RE.
Experiences in the ER and Detox
By: Dan B (Café RE UP)
Both are Brutal & Dangerous: Drinking to that Level and Detox/Withdrawal by Dan B.
I’m hoping that all my experiences in ER and Detox could both be informative and a motivation not to do what I did. I used to drink enough alcohol in a binge over days to the point I was in a panic and my blood alcohol level was at a dangerous level. Alcohol energized me, raised adrenaline and cortisol, then I probably used more for hair of the dog, and for fear of withdrawal – so it all accumulated to a dangerous level, hence ambulance rides (way too many) initiated by my friend or myself seeking a friend or neighbor.
ER Experiences
In the ER, I usually asked for a benzo like Ativan, because I felt in a panic, but at a certain blood alcohol level, they cannot give you it. One time, I think they waited until my BAC was under 2.5; another time, they didn’t give me anything at all. I think I believed I was in withdrawal, but it was intoxication. Having an anxiety disorder probably factors into this.
They hook you up to IV, and put those round stickers on you, is that for heart eval? I should know by now. I think they had something on my other arm sometimes too. Sometimes they told me to keep my arm straight. One time they told me not to move. In some situations, if I got out of my bed, beeps would go off; other times, they didn’t. I was in telemetry at times, which I guess may be extra monitoring.
Various staff would come in at different times to take vitals and such. Nice, caring nurses make a huge difference in states like these. And I always thank them. They would also do a certain scan putting me into a machine, maybe because I sometimes fell before going in. I was often what they call a fall risk, so that’s why they wanted me to stay in bed.
At certain visits, they would attach something for urination. Others I would have that plastic bottle. When I had some anxious energy, I liked to walk around, but they are extremely attentive when you step an inch outside of your door.
I usually asked for a lot of water, but I think at one visit, they didn’t want me drinking too much because I guess it may eliminate some of the electrolytes via IV.
The “Fight” Out
They eventually have a counselor evaluate me via computer, in which she asks at least 30 questions. Between that and a doctor’s call, that determines if they will keep you in for days, transferred to detox. I’ve been there several times, and it’s a process just to get out.
So, in a very challenged, exhausted state, I gave my best to speak well and answer questions the right way. Because I know the decision is ultimately mine about drinking. And when you are in detox for days, you have access to nothing in terms of phone, shaving, makeup, etc. You are in scrubs. In the process of discharge, they will ask if you have support. I always said, “Oh I’m in an amazing recovery group called Café RE.
I usually have nothing in terms of glasses, my wallet, phone, keys. So there was a fear that my doors would be locked though I leave the sliding glass door unlocked a lot. They call a ride for you, and I often left in scrubs and socks. I hated going back because my neighbor often knew about the episode and is very nosy.
When Transferred to Detox (5-9 Days)
I was always pleased when I had my own room in detox, because you never know what your roommate will be like. In NJ, I had a roommate that said, “If you snore – I’m going to put toothpaste up your nose.” I stayed awake as long as possible.
Some of the hospitals for detox were very challenging environments, but you also create special bonds, and we found a way to laugh together. But it also got pretty “crazy” at times. You also hear some very sad stories. But there are also some good workshops.
Self-Detox
This obviously could be dangerous, especially without a benzo like Librium. When I went through alcohol withdrawal at home without the help of a benzo, even after spending half a day to 2-3 days in the ER, I may have had some alcohol a couple of times. But even with that small amount, the reduction was so significant that I still experienced the full effects of withdrawal. And you also have the possibility to tip back over into dangerous excess.
So, in general, here’s what withdrawal was like when drinking vodka at the massive level I did:
There are various alcohol withdrawal symptoms one can get. The first two days are the scariest. Sometimes I vomited throughout the day, from 2 up to 20 times. The dreams on day 2 and 3 (or similar) were vivid and weird in a scary way. And I’m not one to ever get this unless I’m going through this process. Trying to take vitamins caused me to vomit also. It’s strange because you are very tired but have anxious energy. So as a fall risk, I would lay on the couch and move my legs/feet because of the anxious energy.
I would sleep on my side in case I vomited. You don’t want to sleep on your back during this. I often said, “God, please help me.” Then read Matthew Perry also said that. I often did the heart hold with affirmations like, “Daniel, you are going to be OK.” And did deep breathing. I remember in some episodes, I felt like deep breathing a lot still wasn’t enough.
In one episode, I was trying to hydrate but vomiting as well, so I don’t think I was hydrating. I drank Powerade Zero for electrolytes. I sometimes put on the Insight Timer app which has relaxing sleep music. Sometimes I kept playing “Be Not Afraid”, which my long-time friend did during hard times. He’s one of my smartest, biggest hearted friends.
I was weak walking to the bathroom, and would sometimes hold the rail of the shower. Thank God for Google. I would look up things. When I eventually could hold food and vitamins down, I had blueberries and strawberries out. Perhaps broccoli at times. And of course B1 (Thiamine) and Folic Acid. This is standard in this process. The amount they prescribed me for folic acid was 1 mg, B1 varied from 50-100mg according to the notes I’m looking at from two visits.
After 3 days, things get better. After 5 days even better. And after 7 or 8, for me, it was a major transformation. So, this was my experience with and without alcohol after a binge.
It was brutal.
