by RE Helper | Dec 15, 2024 | Alcohol Free, Blog, Inner Peace, Nature
Today’s blog entry is from Hannah J. Carter. Hannah is a member of Café RE Blue.
What You Need Is Around You
By: Hannah J Carter / 10-31-24
We live in the day-and-age of “order this, email that, swipe here, scroll up, notify this, remind me of that, DING, DING, ALERT, ALERT, ALARM, ALARM”. It is all…way too much. It is all…not good for us. Sometimes the more modernized our lives become, the more unpleasant and unsatisfying they become. We find vices when the world becomes all too overwhelming. When we feel like there is no pause button. I drank my troubles away; or so I thought I did.
Do you purchase your issues away? Eat your trauma? Smoke your shame? As a society we look for ways to unplug. We look for the answers to our problems; sometimes desperately. Life at times can feel like we are all swimming to keep our heads above the water line with no land in sight – but why? Why are we, to what seems at times, hopelessly swimming to a shoreline that is never going to come? What you need is already all around you. What you need has been here all along. Sometimes when we sit and look around, the answers come to us. We just need to sit, un-plug, un-send, un-tweet, un-attend, un-wind, and un-human ourselves to see the answers we need are already here.
Life Is A River: Flow or Resist
I don’t have to say it but we all know that life gets well….”Lifey”. At times it feels like we are the universe’s personal joke and when you are already down, you get kicked again for the fun of it. While that may not be a news flash to you, this may be. You get the choice of accepting life or not accepting it; and that choice is only yours to make. That tree limb that fell on your car during that last thunderstorm, will not re-attach itself to the tree if you are angry enough.
Life does not offer a reverse button when our emotions are spiraling. Unfortunately, that is just not a matter of fact. Fortunately, you have the choice to flow with the river of life, like a leaf floating downstream, or resist it, like the lifeless boulders on the river’s edge. We all know the easier option. We all know the option that will help keep us sober. Accept the flow of life and you too will keep moving forward.
Perfectionism Is Overrated
I remember before every social event I would drink. I would drink to feel cooler, to feel more social, to feel more perfect for the party, searching relentlessly for perfectionism with my ex-partner-in-crime, alcohol. Want me to jump ahead and ruin the end of the story for you? Shocker! It didn’t work. It didn’t work for many reasons. Nature reminds us that perfectionism is sinister, it’s overrated.
Perfectionism is a concept that simply does not exist in nature. A tree is never perfectly straight. No leaf mirrors the next. Nothing is perfect yet it’s the most perfect system on this earth. You are whole the way you are. Your “imperfections” are actually your superpowers keeping you closer to the light, letting you absorb more energy, and leaning you towards the right direction. You are enough as is. No drink, no person nor no substance can fill a spot that was never empty to begin with.
Nature Does Not Think Twice, She Knows
As humans we are faced with tough decisions at times. Confusion and worry can fill our headspace causing anxiety, stress, and uncertainty. Deep down we all have the “feeling”. That little voice that wants to force its way from the inside out. That little voice is the collective of your morals, values, and beliefs. Much like the earth, ours are centered deep within us too. What really makes us us, is well, within us.
Again, just as the earth we have layers upon that focused, authentic center. Layers of life experiences, emotions, thoughts, realities, and the rest of this messy, exhilarating journey called being a human. When nature makes a decision, it is based within instinct. A flock does not question the direction it migrates because inside it knows the right answer. A baby bird may falter for its first flight, but it never second guesses the capability of its own wings. When you feel off-centered, lost, or hopeless lean in. Think about and trust what is at the center of yourself; what you know versus what you believe. Deep down you know the right answer, choose it. It is calling loudly for your selection.
Take A Walk Outside With Me
It’s Fall outside. The leaves are turning rainbow colors of light yellow, rose red and burnt orange. Your body is buzzing from the end of a busy day. You can’t seem to feel calm, you can’t seem to gain that sense of peace you felt when you first awoke this morning, you plant your feet, hearing the smashing sounds of gravel and dried leaves under your shoes. A gust of wind rushes through your hair. You close your eyes and take a deep breath. The wind takes your worries and stress away like a thief in the night. Suddenly you notice the sound of a bird calling in the distance. The rustle of a changing season. You can hear the melody of mother nature embracing another chance for a fresh start. Your eyes open and you walk on.
Weaving through the maze of trees, you see glimmers of light jetting through the small spaces in the canopy. Illuminating the color-rich trees like a cathedral’s stained-glass windows on a Sunday morning. You can feel the presence of something bigger than you all around, you soak in the years of wisdom the forest offers, you embrace the quiet, the stillness, the peace. Suddenly, the buzz and chatter that once filled your head is no longer there. A playful squirrel darts across the walking path, bringing a small yet significant smile to your face. You begin to remember the simple pleasures in life. Next, you’re filled with gratitude and peace. All of this from a simple walk? Yes, all of this from a simple walk outside.
Thank You For Reading
These lessons can be received in many different ways. To some this may really hit home. Per say, a light bulb may have gone off above your head. To others the cheesy examples of nature to life lessons can cause an eye roll or two. To that, all I will say is, Fair! Regardless, what I hope you take out of this spiel is that life can be crazy, heavy, and utterly chaotic at times but instead of searching for answers, look around.
Nature teaches us many lessons about the importance of community, learning from growing, acceptance, taking only what you need, being grounded and so much more. Maybe the answers to our answer-less questions are already here? Maybe instead of searching, we need to be listening, instead of drowning ourselves in what the world says will fix our problems, we get back to our roots? We get back to where it began for us all. We get back to nature.
by RE Helper | Oct 15, 2024 | Blog, Gambling, Helpful Tips, Resources
Today’s blog entry is from Bobbie Malatesta. Bobbie has been a member of Café RE since February 2020.
Gambling…the Addiction Hidden in Plain Sight
By: Bobbie Malatesta (Café RE UP)
If you’ve met me in the community or heard me share, you probably know this about me. My first drug of choice was gambling addiction. My sobriety followed 999 days later, sort of by accident. When I was preparing to go to Asia with our Recovery Elevator family, I was following the request to have 30 days without alcohol before going to an RE event. For the sake of today’s conversation, the rest is history.
I probably should have ditched the booze when I went to rehab in 2017 for gambling, but I wasn’t ready at the time. A few people actually asked if I was going to treatment for the alcohol or the gambling problem. It wasn’t time for me to quit drinking then, but I am happy to report that I attribute some of the skills I acquired through that journey to helping me stay sober today.
This scenario of being both a problem gambler and drinker simultaneously isn’t unique to me. That’s what prompted me to write this. Although drinking is a substance and gambling is a behavior, they share one important thing in common…they’re both normalized in the world we live in.
Legalized online gambling is in more states now than it isn’t. During that Asia trip, I unknowingly walked into a casino because they directed us there to use the restrooms. At an Recovery Elevator Atlanta meetup, the gas station had five slot machines. While driving through Montana to get to the Recovery Elevator Bozeman Retreat, I saw mini casinos at many of the gas stations along the way.
In every convenience store and grocery store, we can get powerball or scratcher tickets. At work, you can gamble on brackets or join in lottery pools, at fundraisers you can participate in raffles and the list goes on.
Gambling is deeply ingrained in our society, and the problem keeps worsening. I believe I gambled for the same reasons I drank, to numb and escape. Not every person who has or had a challenging relationship with alcohol will have one with gambling, but it is important to shine the light on the possibility.
My intention for sharing my thoughts on this was let you know a couple key points.
- Gambling is everywhere and it can be dangerous
- There are resources and help out there- Facebook communities, podcasts, national and state agencies and so much more.
- We are probably a bit higher risk than those who don’t have addictive behaviors on their resume
- It’s not about the money
It is my mission to raise awareness around problem gambling and if you ever have any questions, please feel free to contact me. 203-565-5646
One of my favorite premises that Paul shares is the concept of identifying the problem. He says in relation to alcohol, that if we are asking ourselves if we might have a problem, then we might have a problem. The people who don’t have the issue, usually aren’t questioning themselves.
I truly appreciate Recovery Elevator for the opportunity to share this message!
With Love and Gratitude,
Bobbie
by RE Helper | Sep 15, 2024 | Alcohol Relapse, Blog, Early Sobriety, Science and alcohol, Uncategorized
Today’s blog entry is from Dan B. Dan has been a member of Café RE since January 2022. He can be found on our zoom chats and supporting fellow members of Café RE.
Experiences in the ER and Detox
By: Dan B (Café RE UP)
Both are Brutal & Dangerous: Drinking to that Level and Detox/Withdrawal by Dan B.
I’m hoping that all my experiences in ER and Detox could both be informative and a motivation not to do what I did. I used to drink enough alcohol in a binge over days to the point I was in a panic and my blood alcohol level was at a dangerous level. Alcohol energized me, raised adrenaline and cortisol, then I probably used more for hair of the dog, and for fear of withdrawal – so it all accumulated to a dangerous level, hence ambulance rides (way too many) initiated by my friend or myself seeking a friend or neighbor.
ER Experiences
In the ER, I usually asked for a benzo like Ativan, because I felt in a panic, but at a certain blood alcohol level, they cannot give you it. One time, I think they waited until my BAC was under 2.5; another time, they didn’t give me anything at all. I think I believed I was in withdrawal, but it was intoxication. Having an anxiety disorder probably factors into this.
They hook you up to IV, and put those round stickers on you, is that for heart eval? I should know by now. I think they had something on my other arm sometimes too. Sometimes they told me to keep my arm straight. One time they told me not to move. In some situations, if I got out of my bed, beeps would go off; other times, they didn’t. I was in telemetry at times, which I guess may be extra monitoring.
Various staff would come in at different times to take vitals and such. Nice, caring nurses make a huge difference in states like these. And I always thank them. They would also do a certain scan putting me into a machine, maybe because I sometimes fell before going in. I was often what they call a fall risk, so that’s why they wanted me to stay in bed.
At certain visits, they would attach something for urination. Others I would have that plastic bottle. When I had some anxious energy, I liked to walk around, but they are extremely attentive when you step an inch outside of your door.
I usually asked for a lot of water, but I think at one visit, they didn’t want me drinking too much because I guess it may eliminate some of the electrolytes via IV.
The “Fight” Out
They eventually have a counselor evaluate me via computer, in which she asks at least 30 questions. Between that and a doctor’s call, that determines if they will keep you in for days, transferred to detox. I’ve been there several times, and it’s a process just to get out.
So, in a very challenged, exhausted state, I gave my best to speak well and answer questions the right way. Because I know the decision is ultimately mine about drinking. And when you are in detox for days, you have access to nothing in terms of phone, shaving, makeup, etc. You are in scrubs. In the process of discharge, they will ask if you have support. I always said, “Oh I’m in an amazing recovery group called Café RE.
I usually have nothing in terms of glasses, my wallet, phone, keys. So there was a fear that my doors would be locked though I leave the sliding glass door unlocked a lot. They call a ride for you, and I often left in scrubs and socks. I hated going back because my neighbor often knew about the episode and is very nosy.
When Transferred to Detox (5-9 Days)
I was always pleased when I had my own room in detox, because you never know what your roommate will be like. In NJ, I had a roommate that said, “If you snore – I’m going to put toothpaste up your nose.” I stayed awake as long as possible.
Some of the hospitals for detox were very challenging environments, but you also create special bonds, and we found a way to laugh together. But it also got pretty “crazy” at times. You also hear some very sad stories. But there are also some good workshops.
Self-Detox
This obviously could be dangerous, especially without a benzo like Librium. When I went through alcohol withdrawal at home without the help of a benzo, even after spending half a day to 2-3 days in the ER, I may have had some alcohol a couple of times. But even with that small amount, the reduction was so significant that I still experienced the full effects of withdrawal. And you also have the possibility to tip back over into dangerous excess.
So, in general, here’s what withdrawal was like when drinking vodka at the massive level I did:
There are various alcohol withdrawal symptoms one can get. The first two days are the scariest. Sometimes I vomited throughout the day, from 2 up to 20 times. The dreams on day 2 and 3 (or similar) were vivid and weird in a scary way. And I’m not one to ever get this unless I’m going through this process. Trying to take vitamins caused me to vomit also. It’s strange because you are very tired but have anxious energy. So as a fall risk, I would lay on the couch and move my legs/feet because of the anxious energy.
I would sleep on my side in case I vomited. You don’t want to sleep on your back during this. I often said, “God, please help me.” Then read Matthew Perry also said that. I often did the heart hold with affirmations like, “Daniel, you are going to be OK.” And did deep breathing. I remember in some episodes, I felt like deep breathing a lot still wasn’t enough.
In one episode, I was trying to hydrate but vomiting as well, so I don’t think I was hydrating. I drank Powerade Zero for electrolytes. I sometimes put on the Insight Timer app which has relaxing sleep music. Sometimes I kept playing “Be Not Afraid”, which my long-time friend did during hard times. He’s one of my smartest, biggest hearted friends.
I was weak walking to the bathroom, and would sometimes hold the rail of the shower. Thank God for Google. I would look up things. When I eventually could hold food and vitamins down, I had blueberries and strawberries out. Perhaps broccoli at times. And of course B1 (Thiamine) and Folic Acid. This is standard in this process. The amount they prescribed me for folic acid was 1 mg, B1 varied from 50-100mg according to the notes I’m looking at from two visits.
After 3 days, things get better. After 5 days even better. And after 7 or 8, for me, it was a major transformation. So, this was my experience with and without alcohol after a binge.
It was brutal.
by RE Helper | Aug 15, 2024 | Alcohol Free, Blog, Early Sobriety, The first Year, Uncategorized
Today’s blog entry is from Jeff Miller. Jeff has been a member of Café RE since March 2024. He can be found on our zoom chats and supporting fellow members of Café RE.
Forever
By: Jeff Miller (Café RE GO)
There I was at 6 years old kneeling next to my bed repeating the same prayer over and over again, “Come into my heart Lord Jesus”. I would say it 10 or 20 times a night until I thought that I had annunciated each word perfectly otherwise it would not be acceptable to God and I would be destined for eternal damnation in outer darkness where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth.
55 years later those same words still echo in my mind.
I was raised in a charismatic Pentecostal church, in a small town where my Sunday school teacher had a captive audience of young boys. We were taught that if we were good and followed all of the rules, we would go to heaven. If we slipped up and sinned we would burn with eternal fire. I was in constant fear of Hell.
I entered into marriage when I was 22 to an 18-year-old girl who met my qualifications. She was pretty, and she went to the same church that I went to. We quickly had a child and my life of being manipulated and controlled by fear continued for 28 years.
One of the only shows that I could watch was 19 Kids and Counting, a reality TV show about a conservative Christian family with 19 children and more on the way. One of their practices was for the boys to not look at girls or women who were immodest. If there was anyone around them when they were out they would call out Nike! Which meant for the boys and Jim Bob, their father, to look at their shoes. My wife adapted this practice and would be constantly saying “Nike! Nike!” And I would have to look down until she said it was clear.
By the time I was in my 40s, my life revolved around discussions about how it is not proper for women to wear pants and, God forbid, bathing suits. By then, my daughter was in college. I was not only trying to defend myself but also her and the decisions that she was making as an adult. I recently read the book by Jill Duggar, Counting The Cost, which opened my eyes and brought my life of religious trauma rushing back.
In 2012, I finally filed for divorce.
I believed in my heart that I was making a decision that would lead me to an eternity in hell with no possibility of any reconciliation with God. This was an extremely difficult thing for me to live with. So I decided to relieve my guilt and shame with alcohol; after all, I was going to burn anyway. I never was a normal drinker.
I quickly began drinking a six-pack a day on the way home from work. Then I would hit the bars on weekends, including Friday Jr. I was often really hungover for work on Friday and Monday. At the height or depth of my drinking, I was spending over $500 per week on alcohol. Not including my generous tipping. Despite my drinking habits, I was blessed to meet the love of my life. We spent a substantial amount of time drinking together, but as you will see, our relationship was much more than drinking. After 2 years together, we were married.
Flash forward to Sept 7, 2023, and I’m meeting my CPA and my banker for drinks at lunch.
We drank a couple of bottles of wine and then departed back to our offices for work. Except I didn’t go back to my office. I went to a little craft beer place that was just across the street and had 3 or 4 beers. I got in my car and texted my wife that I was on my way home. About 30 miles from home, there is a little highway dive bar that I liked to sing Karaoke at. I thought I could squeeze in a couple of drinks and a song before continuing home. You would think that this was enough but nooo. I then drove another 10 miles and saw a Casino that I had never been to before. And decided what the fuck! I’m going to hell anyway.
At some point, I was outside of my body, watching myself. It was so strange.
I was buying drinks for complete strangers and throwing money around like I was Elon Musk. I somehow got hooked up with a woman that I had never met before and found myself checking into the hotel with her. I had never done anything like that before, and retrospectively, it cuts me to the core. I honestly don’t know what happened after that. It was 5 AM the next day. I was sitting in my car in the garage at home, not knowing how I got there. I was still drunk. Apparently, I had made a 20-mile drive on a very dangerous mountain road in a complete blackout.
My wife had moved into the guest house and cut off all communication. I went into the house, took a shower, and headed to an early breakfast with 2 bottles of Prosecco. I staggered into the winery around midday, making up all kinds of lies to explain my meltdown. I texted a friend to meet me. I ended up destroying my relationship with him and others before getting in my truck and driving home.
I woke up the next morning to the absence of my wife and a pounding headache.
I had betrayed my wife and my 17-year-old daughter in the deepest way. It made me sick to tell her the whole story, but I did. At that point, I didn’t know if she or my daughter would ever take me back. I spent the rest of that day trying to do damage control with those in town who had talked to me the night before.
My first step after that was to stop drinking for a while. At least long enough to try and repair the damage done to my family. My wife, who also had been struggling with alcohol, had several quit-lit books on Audible, so I started with Laura McKowen’s We Are the Luckiest and listened to it straight through. After completing the book I began to consider that I might have a problem with alcohol. Duh!
As the days passed and my wife and daughter were nowhere near reconciliation I had to do some real deep introspection. The days were hard. I was sweating and shaking. I could hardly get a glass of water or coffee to my mouth without holding it with both hands. I was experiencing uncontrollable head tremors and was extremely agitated and anxious. My only concern was that I could lose the most important people in my life. I was just stumbling through my days, dizzy and disoriented. That is when I had the thought that stopping for a while wasn’t enough.
It had to be FOREVER! SHIT!
I can’t do that. I don’t want to do that! But telling them that I was going to quit drinking for a while was like telling them that I wouldn’t hurt them again for a while. So, on my way home from work, I picked up a lot of poster board, and in Love Actually style, I wrote out my apologies and promises. One for my daughter and one for my wife. It had been 10 days and I don’t know if I was sick from alcohol withdrawals or missing them. They were still not speaking to me. I texted both of them and asked them to please meet me at the large glass doors at the back of the guest house.
I didn’t know if they would.
I prayed to a God that I had failed and whose judgment and wrath awaited me —please, God, If you still hear me, please help me with this. Help them with this. Please show me the way. I rounded the corner to the large glass doors and saw them both sitting attentively on the edge of the bed. With tears in my eyes, the same way that they are right now as I write this, I started the cards with my daughter first. On one of the cards it said I PROMISE TO STOP DRINKING and the next card said FOREVER.
Then I did the cards that I designed for my wife containing the same words. I PROMISE TO STOP DRINKING FOREVER. Broken, I could hardly stay on my feet. As I walked away I could see a flicker of hope in their eyes and even a bit of a smile. My last card for each of them. I LOVE YOU!
Soon after, my wife was back in the house, and she let me know that she had decided to quit alcohol forever also.
So we began our new journey together by getting an online sobriety coach, Teri Patterson, who really helped us and got me through some really tough days. We both started reading a lot of “quit” lit, and each of us found Recovery groups. Mine is Recovery Elevator / Café RE and hers is Write Back to You by Meg Geisewite, author of Intoxicating Lies, One Woman’s Journey to Freedom from Gray Area Drinking.
The RE podcasts were incredible and the stories there gave me hope. I went back to the first one and started listening straight through. Then I discovered Café RE where I signed up and began listening in on the morning chats every day. Even though I haven’t spoken yet because I am at the gym at 5 AM I still am beginning to feel like these people are my family.
Rebuilding my life required me to get to the root of the whys of my life. Why I started drinking and why I stopped.
I started talking to a therapist who happened to be an AA Sponsor and has been sober for 20 years. I’m starting to think that God might still hear me and that he might still love me.
Another big part of my recovery is meditation. I couldn’t even imagine that I would or could actually meditate, but thanks to a book by Dan Harris, Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics: a 10% Happier How to Book. I got started doing just 2 minutes a day, now I am doing close to 20 because it is part of the foundation that gives me peace throughout my days.
I am seeing everything more clearly. Finally dealing with all of the things that I was avoiding with alcohol, and it is hard. I really felt like shit for the first few months, but now the dark clouds are beginning to lift, and I am building hope and peace. I am accepting that God still loves me and hears me when I talk to him. I am softening my religious rigidness and know that I am a work in progress. I am more accepting of others and their beliefs.
Sometimes, I still battle my condemnation and my desire to drink it away. I then have to make myself go back and remember that God never left me, and the ones that I love the most took me back.
Saying forever seems like a lot to live up to, but for me, saying forever makes one day at a time possible.
by RE Helper | Jul 15, 2024 | Alcohol Free, Blog, Early Sobriety, Helpful Tips, Uncategorized
Today’s blog entry is from Kristie K. Kristie has been a member of Café RE since December 31, 2019. She can be found supporting her fellow Café RE GO members and hosting our Café RE chats.
Not Much Can Grow in the Dark
By: Kristie K. (Café RE GO)
1.12.24
During these Winter months night time darkness cuts the daylight dramatically. The short days are gray and cold. Darkness when I wake. Darkness when I sleep. I can not change these things of nature but I can change myself and my perspective. I knew the darkness of nature was coming, so I mentally prepared and took action in writing this.
When I was drinking, many of my days were dark. My world was dark. My soul was dark.
There was not much to look forward to other than the next drink. It was a cycle of wanting and needing the next drink. I drank the dark. The world was heavy and dark as I attempted to do everything for the good of the family, community or students. My life was a daily grind filled with to dos, lists and tasks. Always in a rush, I gave of myself, my time and my energy. No self. Instead of breathing, I was drinking. I rarely took a moment to breathe. I neglected myself, forgot who I was and slowly I began to die within. The darkness grew.
Funny thing about the darkness of addiction, it only let me see what it wanted me to see and not my true reality.
My perception was framed by an addiction black bubble that protected itself and forced me to keep it alive. As the addiction grew, so did the black bubble. It darkened and blacked out people, activities, opportunities and the joy from my life. At the center of this bubble was loneliness, anxiety, depression, self loathing and an empty bottle. Others did not see this because I was busy pleasing them. I was helping, offering, volunteering, coaching, fundraising and performing as your classic high functioning addict…another darkness strategy.
Now, I spend every morning with myself.
I write, read and reflect. I spend about 30 minutes alone in the morning with myself and myself only. My daily intention is to connect with the light. The light that is constant, warm and wraps me in love. This connection grounds me in values, principles and love. This connection helps me see how life is working for me and I have much to be grateful. This light reminds me that I have light within me through strengths, skills and talents. I can use these to create more love, kindness and goodness into the world. The light is constant, warm and bright.
With this daily practice, I was and still able to face the darkness. I was able to face my addiction through this daily practice by finally taking action after many years of denial. I started to listen to podcasts and read about alcohol. After about a year of journaling, I joined Cafe RE and attended my first AA meeting.
Darkness is part of life. Darkness is natural and will continue to be a part of life. Addiction showed me darkness and provided me light, love, friends, peace and a return to self. Mother Nature provides me darkness, to retreat and rest so I can renew within. I accept and respect the darkness. Not much can grow in the dark…so I chose to seek the light. Will you join me?
Surise on ?
Kristie
