by Paul Churchill | Jan 12, 2017 | Alcohol Relapse, Blog, Early Sobriety, The Bottom
First, I want to say thanks for the podcast. It’s been a huge help on my road to recovery – it’s been 53 days! I’ve been listening to RE since I decided to get sober and only felt compelled to write you after listening to the last episode about cognitive dissonance because it really hit home for me.
My journey has been somewhat interesting (as is everyone’s I’m sure). To start, I’m 29, I live in Weehawken, NJ and commute into Manhattan for work everyday. I live with my girlfriend of two years and our awesome Pomsky puppy named Mylo.
I started drinking when I was about 13, casually stealing beers, wine coolers or whatever I can get my hands on, and started binge drinking around 15. The progression was somewhat slow, but the writing was definitely on the wall – even at a young age. For all intents and purposes I had a great childhood. Loving family, great friends, great high school experience – things were good. I loved sports – especially golf – and played religiously. This allowed me to earn a Division 1 scholarship to Seton Hall University in NJ.
My freshman year of college was unique I’d say. One of my teammates recognized himself as a born again Christian and I grew close to him. I’ve always had a strong faith in God and the question of “why are we here?” is something that burns in me everyday – probably more than most – which has definitely been a driver of my drug and alcohol use. I was attending bible study with other athletes, going to church regularly, reading St. Thomas Aquinas and Augustine in the library on Friday nights, and made the decision to not got drunk anymore – which is an interesting and tough choice for a college freshman. That lasted the entire year until my one teammate from England was graduating and heading back home. I got drunk that night and it was off to the races.
The next 3 years of college consisted of heavy drinking, blacking out, waking up and doing it all over again. Since I hung out with athletes we got access to painkillers on a regular basis so I’d dabble with them every once and awhile and occasionally smoke some weed, but nothing too serious because we got drug tested. I lost interest in golf and built this persona for myself around my group of friends – life of the party. And I liked it and fed into it. At this time, thoughts of being an alcoholic would creep into my mind, but I quickly made them disappear. “I have a 3.7 GPA, I’m a Division 1 college athlete, I never get in trouble, I’m not hurting anyone. Everything’s fine!” – I’d tell myself.
Once I graduated, I had plans to backpack across Europe with one of my teammates. It was 2010 and the job market kind of sucked, and I was in no hurry to go sit behind a desk. Him and I decided to caddy all summer, save up and hit the road. On my second day, I caddied for a man who worked on Wall Street – he offered me a job a week later, and I took it. To this day, it’s one of my biggest regrets.
I fell into “Wall Street life”, and I fell hard. I was 22 at the time. It didn’t take long before cocaine became my drug of choice, and it went hand in hand with the liquor. I’d spend every dollar I made and live paycheck to paycheck just so I can party as much as possible. 4-5 nights a week I was out, but I was young and living the life (so I thought). The cocaine slowly led into pretty much whatever I can get my hands on (Molly, pills, K, whatever). Anything to take me out of reality and into some other stratosphere. I’d ride that high into oblivion – whatever it took. My friends started to slow down and I just hit the gas harder. I switched jobs 4 times during the last 7 years… constantly searching for some change or something to make a difference. Little did I know that it was ME that was the issue.
Things really got out of hand during the summer when I was 27 years old. Looking back, I’m just happy I came out of it alive. I got deep into gambling, won A LOT of money and then lost A LOT of money, didn’t go to work for days at a time, took a trip to Vegas, and it finally culminated with me getting arrested outside of a nightclub in NYC for possession of cocaine. I spent the night in central booking. A fitting end I suppose – since I was simply playing Russian roulette every time I went out. My family found out and led somewhat of an intervention. I decided to go see a therapist and a few months later I met my wonderful girlfriend who filled a huge void in my life. I never had any meaningful relationships. I was guarded, walled off. I’d go from girl to girl never getting close enough to get hurt.
However, all of this was still not enough to quit. I continued to drink and use, however, the incidents grew farther and farther apart, but when I’d go off the rails it would wreak havoc on my life. Finally, on November 12, I had enough. I went out for lunch Friday afternoon (the 11th) and came home the next day at 8am. I missed my niece’s baptism class, my girlfriend and my dog were gone when I got home, and I just sat on my bed and cried. I finally couldn’t take it anymore.
As I go through my journey, I’m trying to understand my addiction and how/why I ended up here. While I definitely believe there are some genetic factors (my aunt is 10 years sober and my grandfather was an alcoholic) I firmly believe it has a lot to do with emotional connection. While I had a ton of friends my whole life and was always around people – I felt completely alone. My first girlfriend cheated on me at a young age, my great-grandmother died when I was 20, my grandfather committed suicide when I was 23, my uncle died unexpectedly when I was 25, and my Dad suddenly passed away this August. As each event happened, I walled myself off as much as humanely possible. If I never felt vulnerable then I can never get hurt. I’m realizing now that the secrets, the hiding, the lack of vulnerability, the inability to show any emotion, and my thoughts on working/life have been a very significant driver in my drug and alcohol use – along with the genetic dispositions of course.
Addiction is complicated for sure, but I also find it fascinating. I’m excited about being sober and present for the first time in 15 years. I’m currently going to individual therapy, attending a 12 week outpatient program, attending AA, reading, listening to RE and Sober Guy podcast and learning/talking to other sober people as much as possible. Don’t get me wrong – it hasn’t been easy, but I’ve finally let go and told my family, girlfriend, and friends my history and it feels like a million pound boulder has been lifted off of me. I’ve got a great support system around me, and I’m grateful for that.
Sorry if this was long! Haha – it’s actually been quite therapeutic. It’s the first time I’ve written all this down. Once again, thanks for what you’re doing. It’s changing lives.
-James
by Paul Churchill | Oct 26, 2016 | Blog, Helpful Tips
I have heard it said that to recover from an addiction, you need some intangible qualities. Among them are honesty, willingness, and an open-mind. These qualities may not come easily. They may only develop after you take some actions that you do not yet believe in, such as attending 12 step or other support meetings, listening to people you may once have shrugged off, or trying to practice a new set of principles. All these things usually are contrary to the nature of most alcoholics and addicts. Yet, I believe it is through action that you can also bring about a change in your outlook.
To recognize that you have a problem, you need to first be honest with yourself about your problem. Self-delusion is a roadblock that many addicts and alcoholics will stumble over. It prevents you from taking a good, reasonable look at your life and your circumstances. To remain self-deluded is to fool yourself into thinking you are perfectly fine, when in reality you are far from it. In so many instances, you are the last person who realizes you have a problem with substance abuse, and it is all too plain to see for everyone in your life. Getting honest with yourself about your using will allow you to begin to take steps toward recovery of your mind and body.
The open-mind then becomes a key trait. As you have become honest with yourself, you can then allow new ideas to filter in. Much like water flowing through a charcoal filter, it gets purified and the contaminants get removed. You are then able to grasp and see concepts that once would have been impossible. This all happens as your mind and body recover from your addiction. It takes time, and it is not easy, but it is attainable with effort.
Lastly, is willingness: for the alcoholic or addict, no real progress can be made in recovery until they are willing to change their behaviors and attitudes. Consistent sobriety may be hard or impossible to achieve without some degree of willingness. By being willing to take different actions and accept other viewpoints, you can then develop more honesty and a more open mind and thus grow as a person.
BIO:
Andy is a blogger for Step One Rehab. Through his writing, he attempts to raise awareness about addiction, substance abuse, and mental health issues. The goal of Step One Rehab is to match premium addiction treatment facilities with the needs of clients. Andy writes daily articles for Step One’s blog. To learn more, visit their website or check them out on Facebook, or Twitter.
by wordpress | Mar 12, 2016 | Blog
I remember the first 60 days of recovery like it was yesterday – and that’s a good thing! It’s one of the memories of my sickness that keeps me from going back to the bottle. The emotional side of alcohol recovery is hard enough – feelings of depression, sadness, doubt, anxiety, and loss. But add the physical side effects – the shakes, sweats, stomach cramps, cravings for alcohol and sugar – and you end up with chaos.
Many recovery programs deal with the physical side effects by covering them up with medications to help with the feelings of depression and to counteract the cravings. Group and individual therapy, as well as 12-step programs, go a long way in helping the recovering alcoholic deal with the “head part” of the business. However, they rarely work on repairing the damage done internally – liver, brain, vitamin and mineral deficiencies, as well as basic nutrition.
Alcohol depletes our bodies nutritionally. It changes the way our bodies process food. It eats up the vitamins and minerals we do put in our bodies. Over time, we end up so malnourished that our brains cannot think our way out of our predicament. Alcoholics who have gone that far are usually the ones we see on the streets. All it took was one night sitting in an alley waiting for an ambulance to take me to the hospital when I thought I had alcohol poisoning to get my semi-lucid mind to make the decision to finally get help.
During my early recovery I tried radical vitamin therapy – I worked with a local naturopath to increase the amount of vitamins typically depleted in an alcoholic: L-Glutamine, L-Tyrosine, and L-Tryptophan, B-complex, Ester C, Calcium, Magnesium, GLA, Pancreatic Enzymes, Betaine Hydrochloride, and Melatonin. I think the vitamin therapy helped a bit, but I was not working on the underlying psychological and emotional issues that come hand in hand with alcoholism. The amount of vitamins I had to consume to “push out” the toxins was the equivalent of 15-20 capsules every 2 hours a day for about a month. The expense (about $650) and the time it took to prepare and consume that amount of supplements ended the experiment. Insurance companies will pay for drugs, but not for supplementation.
As a trained and experienced personal trainer and nutrition specialist, I knew the best course of action was 2-prong: get a complete metabolic screening (fasted blood test) and have it analyzed by a Registered Dietician (RD), and get serious about therapy and a 12-step program. Now, I know not everyone is keen on 12-step programs, but I knew that if I didn’t use every resource at my disposal to get to the root of my addiction, I would lose my family, my job, and possibly my life. For the purposes of this article, I’ll explain the nutritional recovery process I went through as part of my alcohol recovery, which I have shared with my own fitness and nutrition clients whom are also seeking a path to alcohol recovery.
But first, it is important to understand a few things about how the media has corrupted the science of nutrition, what type of damage alcohol may have done to your body, and why supplementation doses should not be left to the untrained.
- As a people, Americans are over-dosing on protein in animal and supplement form. Several diet plans popularized on Facebook and in other online and print resources call for drinking protein shakes after working out, using protein shakes as a meal replacement, and “health and fitness” magazines and sites promote eating large amounts of protein in both supplement and animal form. The truth is two-fold: everyone’s body is different and no two people should use the same stock nutritional plan and expect the same results, and our bodies can only digest so much protein. The macronutrient ratios long held by the fitness industry – more protein, fewer carbs, and sometimes more fat, sometimes less – have been turned upside down by rigorous scientific study. Carbs are not bad, but over-processed foods can be. Consuming an excess of animal protein is not only bad for the cardiovascular system but also the environment. Good fats (olive oil, avocados, etc.) make a positive impact on cardiovascular health, while bad fats (animal fat and processed fats (margarine) have a negative impact.
- Alcoholism affects the whole body, but the most damage is done to the liver and the brain. To simplify, your liver loses its ability to process alcohol properly, and in turn cannot absorb and utilize nutrients the way it is supposed to. As a result, the toxins remain in your system and can go straight to your heart and brain. Your body lacks the ability to synthesize protein, so if you are in denial about your alcoholism, hit the gym hard, drink those protein shakes and eat extra protein “to build your muscles”, then your body will just expel the protein before it has a chance to process it, and the toxins from the animal protein will end up in your heart and brain. All that working out and “eating well” will not do you any good if you are still putting alcohol into your system. Your brain decreases its endorphin production, because the alcohol is making it artificially happy. This is why the first few days of alcohol recovery are so painful mentally and physically.
- As noted above, we tend to overdose on protein. When I interview my fitness and nutrition about their daily nutritional intake, I often find that people are eating fewer good foods and instead relying on meal replacements or other supplements for their vitamins and minerals. It is true that much of our food supply is inferior to what it was even when I was a child, but your brain needs mastication to get the endorphins firing. Chewing is essential to brain function. It is one of the reasons I used to let my students chew gum or eat during exams. True story! Michael Pollan puts it well when he advises us to “eat real food, everyday, mostly plants”. While I advise most of my clients to take a daily multivitamin formatted for their particular age and activity level, I also insist that they get serious about what else they put in their bodies. I have them set aside the protein shakes and meal replacements for the first month that they work with me and instead focus on adding real foods to their daily intake, one meal at a time. Add an apple at lunch today, add a handful of greens to dinner tonight, and add some oatmeal to breakfast tomorrow. Just like the saying goes, one day at a time.
Now, you or your favorite diet book may disagree with the above statements. I would ask you the same thing I ask any of the gym members who say they already have an exercise and eating plan: How is that working for you? If your metabolic tests come out well, then keep doing what you are doing. Like I said before, everyone is different. My sisters cannot eat or workout the way I do and expect to get the same results. None of my clients are on the same fitness or nutrition program.
However, if you are in recovery, regardless what stage, I would urge you to do the following to at least get a baseline:
- Get professional help – The article in the magazine, or the blog post on Bodybuilding.com will not address your individual situation. Get a full physical and request the help of a Registered Dietician. As a certified nutrition specialist I can provide meal planning as prescribed by a primary care provider or registered dietitian. Your personal trainer is under the same rules, so if they are “prescribing” supplements or meal planning, they are working outside the limitations of their practice. Buyer beware.
- Metabolic Screen (fasted blood test) – When you get your metabolic screen, be sure it includes results for the following: blood count, chemistry profile, thyroid function, urinalysis, 5-hour glucose tolerance, serum zinc/copper levels, candida-antibody assay, serum histamine, hair analysis (not absolutely necessary, but will screen for toxins), amino acids, keyptopyrroles, and DHEA. Discuss the results with a registered dietitian. If you believe you may have a food allergy, then let your primary care provider know this so that they can screen for that. Keep in mind that there is no screen for gluten intolerance – simply because it does not exist. You can have celiac discorder, and that can be screened for. However, a suspected intolerance to gluten is likely caused by an additive or other food source.
- Take baby steps – Alcoholics are, by nature, control freaks. The irony is that we are out of control. So, there is a tendency to want to change everything all at once. Cut out coffee, nicotine, sugar, and of course alcohol. I know from personal experience, my own clients, and results of good science, that deprivation rarely results in lasting habits. Concentrate on the alcohol and the underlying emotional and psychological issues first. Then find a way to become accountable – for me it was a daily meeting at the same place and same time for the first 60 days without question. For you it may be someone or something else. And then attend to your nutrition, which includes real food and potentially supplementing with the right vitamins and minerals for your body.
- Resources – Your primary care provider and registered dietitian can give you advice on resources for vitamins and other supplementation. I use Vitacost online (http://Vitacost.com), because the prices are excellent and they sell very reputable products. You should also be able to find local sources – just check the labels for unnecessary ingredients with the guidance of a registered dietitian.
What should your take-away be from reading this article? Just like tackling your alcoholism, get help from the pros to improve your physical, emotional and psychological health. You may have to try a few different doctors and registered dietitians before you find ones which you feel comfortable working with and whom have had positive results with recovering alcoholics. Anything you do to improve your health should be something you are willing to continue to do for the rest of your life. This is why radical approaches rarely work – “fad diets” are called that for a reason. Remember, just because your best friend is doing it does not mean you should be, too.
Here’s to your health!
Shelly Larson, CPT, Pn1
Disclaimer: The opinions and information presented in this article and by Shelly Larson are for informational purposes only and should not take the place of professional advice from you primary care provider or registered dietitian. Please seek help before making any changes to your fitness or nutritional plans.
Shelly Larson is a certified personal trainer and nutrition specialist with over 20 years experience in the education and fitness sector. She is currently working as a personal trainer at 24 Hour Fitness Yorba Linda Super Sport in Southern California and continues to work with private nutrition clients, both in person and online. She holds a Master of Educational Leadership, and is certified by the National Association of Sports Medicine and Precision Nutrition. She is currently pursuing certification as a Health Coach through the American Council on Exercise. You can find more information about Shelly’s nutritional services at Shelly Larson Fitness (http://shellylarsonfitness.com).
by Paul Churchill | Jan 30, 2016 | Alcohol Relapse, Blog, Diet & Fitness, Early Sobriety, The Bottom
On January 16, at 18 days sober, I got up before dawn and drove 50 miles outside of the city to toe the line for a 25K trail race. I had no competitive goals; I just wanted to enjoy racing again. And…I did. It was invigorating, challenging, and at times even euphoric. It was all the things my addiction has robbed from me over and over again in the past two years. Trail racing is more exhausting than road racing because your brain is perpetually engaged. You’re constantly judging, calculating, balancing. As I ran through the woods, dodging roots and fallen branches and sliding through the mud, I felt more alive than I had in weeks. Maybe I can really kick this, I thought. For real this time.
Two and a half hours later, I finished, covered in dirt and full of joy. Later I discovered I was 6th female, which was a nice bonus, but it wasn’t why I was out there. I left fairly quickly, because there was an after-party for the normal people (the ones who can have a few, call it a day and go about their business) and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to handle that. Smart decision, right? Yes…but it sucked.
Because in my post-collegiate running career, I’ve learned that I could not only run well enough to sometimes win races, sometimes even win money, but that I could also reward myself with a drink or two after a race or a hard training run.
But slowly, deceptively, that drink became more than two. Eventually it became five or six or seven. Finally, it replaced running entirely, and I didn’t see it happening until it was too late. But I miss those post-race rewards. I still remember the days when that’s truly all they were.
And I haven’t fucking gotten over it.
You’re a freak. Just accept it. You never really grew up. You can’t drink like an adult because you’re just a piece of shit with no self-control, I thought as I drove home after slamming two sodas and saying awkward goodbyes to people.
The thought festered and smoldered in my mind for three days, getting more and more unbearable…but I kept quiet.
I should have told someone. I should have reached out for help. Instead, I buried the thought, ashamed of my inability to be like other people. And eventually I broke, telling myself that an impending snowstorm and the inevitable few days off work was a good reason. This, of course, is a perfectly good excuse for most people, but the reality is there is no excuse in my case. There’s only the ugly, sober truth: I can’t drink. What’s fine for most people is poison for me. It didn’t take long to sink into oblivion, and for nearly a week I became a virtual ghost, completely removed from reality. The aftermath, of course, is never pretty. A more accurate description would be “horrifying.” What I’ve experienced in the past few days is not a hangover. It’s sickness, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I still have hope that I will run again- maybe even compete again, sooner than later. But deep down I know that the bigger problem is that this could eventually kill me, and I don’t want to die.
You can run all you want, but you can’t escape yourself.
by Paul Churchill | Aug 23, 2015 | Blog, Early Sobriety, Helpful Tips
Roughly 20 years ago, I recall sitting around our favorite round table, at our favorite sports bar, on our favorite (weren’t they all) night to party. A sweaty draft beer in front of me, I pondered just how much money I had spent during all years of drinking. At that time, all of those years only added up to a legal 3 years. Also at that time, a draft beer only cost me my share of $1.00 pitcher. At the time, I had lofty dreams that I could have already bought a house or a car… or both, with the “thousands” I had spent on my addiction. I have to believe that only an alcoholic would think such a ludicrous thought, and furthermore, continue to drink without abandon.
Back in these vintage times, when iphones, apps and even the internet where a mere figment of the Jetsons’ imagination, I didn’t have a random calculation at my fingertips. One can deduce that lack of information led me to drink for another decade… or two.
Here I am, feet firmly planted in sobriety in the year 2015. Sober for today, as I do this thing one day at a time. Part of my springboard into recovery, was a sobriety app that I downloaded the day after I left our local crisis center. I did this almost immediately because I didn’t want to lose track of my progress. I hung on that information like a lifeline. Checking it every morning, feeling victorious for making it through another sunset, and ready to move through that day’s sunrise and challenges.
Staying sober also requires a large amount of accountability. For me, “coming out” about my alcoholism was a huge part of how I stay restrained each day. I have surrounded myself with like-minded people, on the same path of sober enlightenment. Along with friends and family that have my best interest at heart, and watch my evolution. Likewise, a sobriety app is a daily accountability tool. A daybreak reminder of our progress; by the day, the dollar, and the calorie.
Quitting drinking quite possibly could be the most difficult thing you have ever embarked upon in your life so be sure to add a sobriety tracker to your tool kit.
Users can email us at info@recovery elevator.com if you would like the Recovery Elevator Sobriety Tracker app.
by Paul Churchill | Aug 6, 2015 | Blog, Early Sobriety, The Bottom, The first Year
I’m an alcoholic. Okay, so that probably didn’t really get your attention since this is a blog about that very subject. Let me say that another way, and note that I will use the past tense. I LOVED alcohol. I loved the way it made me feel. I loved to hold it. I loved to buy it. I loved to smell it. I Loved to talk about it. I LOVED alcohol.
I also liked to hide it. I liked to drink it late at night, when everyone was asleep. I liked wine that was concealed in a box. I liked to have a few beers while I got ready for a party. I drank before I drank, you could say. Yeah, that was fun.
I was okay with all of that. I was okay with justifying anything that revolved around alcohol. I was okay that I ran for the bar at every party. I was okay that I had to have wine with steak, beer with burgers, and margaritas with Mexican. I was okay with all that.
With that said, I hated waking up in the morning and not remembering the last hour of the previous night. I hated looking in the mirror, that same morning, and seeing a pale face with bags under my eyes. On some mornings, those eyes might be extra puffy because I cried in that same mirror about 6 hours earlier. I hated that damn mirror.
So there you have it. I loved it. I liked it. I was okay with it. I hated it. That was my ride with alcohol. I say “was” with hopes that I can run from that ride. If it catches up with me, that ride will ruin my life. There’s no doubt about that. None.
I am blessed that I can run from this problem with people who love me. I am blessed that I can go to meetings with people that can relate to me. I am blessed to look in that mirror and see color in my skin. White in my eyes. And I’m so blessed to not have cried at that very face the night before.
I am thankful that I can write for this blog and tell you this. I am thankful that I stopped alcohol at the age of 41. I am thankful that I have a family that loves me so much. I am thankful for my memory. You see, I have awesome things that go on around me, and it’s nice to keep those awesome things from being blacked out.
I’m not sure if alcohol is a disease, a mental disorder, or what. All I know is that I, Robert Stedman, have an allergy to it. I refuse to be ashamed of that. It is what it is. I will say this. I will no longer dance with my addiction. Let me rephrase that. I HOPE AND PRAY that I will no longer dance with my addiction. I’m worth it.
