by Paul Churchill | Jan 30, 2016 | Alcohol Relapse, Blog, Diet & Fitness, Early Sobriety, The Bottom
On January 16, at 18 days sober, I got up before dawn and drove 50 miles outside of the city to toe the line for a 25K trail race. I had no competitive goals; I just wanted to enjoy racing again. And…I did. It was invigorating, challenging, and at times even euphoric. It was all the things my addiction has robbed from me over and over again in the past two years. Trail racing is more exhausting than road racing because your brain is perpetually engaged. You’re constantly judging, calculating, balancing. As I ran through the woods, dodging roots and fallen branches and sliding through the mud, I felt more alive than I had in weeks. Maybe I can really kick this, I thought. For real this time.
Two and a half hours later, I finished, covered in dirt and full of joy. Later I discovered I was 6th female, which was a nice bonus, but it wasn’t why I was out there. I left fairly quickly, because there was an after-party for the normal people (the ones who can have a few, call it a day and go about their business) and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to handle that. Smart decision, right? Yes…but it sucked.
Because in my post-collegiate running career, I’ve learned that I could not only run well enough to sometimes win races, sometimes even win money, but that I could also reward myself with a drink or two after a race or a hard training run.
But slowly, deceptively, that drink became more than two. Eventually it became five or six or seven. Finally, it replaced running entirely, and I didn’t see it happening until it was too late. But I miss those post-race rewards. I still remember the days when that’s truly all they were.
And I haven’t fucking gotten over it.
You’re a freak. Just accept it. You never really grew up. You can’t drink like an adult because you’re just a piece of shit with no self-control, I thought as I drove home after slamming two sodas and saying awkward goodbyes to people.
The thought festered and smoldered in my mind for three days, getting more and more unbearable…but I kept quiet.
I should have told someone. I should have reached out for help. Instead, I buried the thought, ashamed of my inability to be like other people. And eventually I broke, telling myself that an impending snowstorm and the inevitable few days off work was a good reason. This, of course, is a perfectly good excuse for most people, but the reality is there is no excuse in my case. There’s only the ugly, sober truth: I can’t drink. What’s fine for most people is poison for me. It didn’t take long to sink into oblivion, and for nearly a week I became a virtual ghost, completely removed from reality. The aftermath, of course, is never pretty. A more accurate description would be “horrifying.” What I’ve experienced in the past few days is not a hangover. It’s sickness, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I still have hope that I will run again- maybe even compete again, sooner than later. But deep down I know that the bigger problem is that this could eventually kill me, and I don’t want to die.
You can run all you want, but you can’t escape yourself.
by Paul Churchill | Nov 23, 2015 | Early Sobriety, The Bottom, The first Year
Good-bye alcohol. It’s just time to let you go. You’ve been a loyal friend for all these years, but our relationship is getting way too toxic. You were awesome in the beginning, steady in the middle, and unpredictable towards the end. But damn, in the last 8 months, you’ve been brutal. You’ve turned on me, or maybe I’ve turned on you. Either way, it’s time. Time to move on.
I’m not gonna say good-bye without a thank you. I appreciate all the confidence you gave me, especially during those college years. You took away tons of stress and even gave me some pretty cool dance moves. If I had a shitty day, you were the one thing I looked forward to. You were so loyal to me. Always there…ready to help me relax.
I’m gonna really miss our steak dinners together. Our Mexican restaurant fiestas. You were awesome as a margarita. I’ll never forget our days on the lake…at the reservoir. Our late nights with old friends. I’m gonna really miss you when I fire up the grill. I mean let’s be serious, water on the rocks ain’t the same. Not even close.
I have no idea how I’m ever gonna eat crawfish again. The beach may have lost its luster too. I went without you this year, and it sucked, especially since you were cheating on me with everyone else. You were definitely putting on a show at the beach, and if you can remember, you finally won me over. Yep, you joined me for the drive home. Of course, that was sorta scary. Over 200 miles of you and me on the road together. We seemed to have a lot of those kinda moments, especially towards the end.
This brings me to all those bad times. Too many to count. I mean, damn, I can barely remember all those late night documentaries we watched on Netflix. And you gave me a short fuse at my temper. Yep, you ignited that on way too many occasions. My wife and friends tell me about how intense I got, and the horrible things I said. It’s a disgusting feeling knowing I did those things and not being able to remember. Yep, these are some of those not-good moments we had together. Lots and lots of those.
Did you notice towards the end, how much we cried together. All those sad midnights looking in the mirror. I was totally ashamed of you. Embarrassed. We had become such closet companions towards the end. I became way too dependent on you. I seemed to need you for damn near everything. I take the blame for that. I totally abused our relationship.
To be honest, when it’s all said and done, I’m probably the one at fault here. I took advantage of you. I really think you just wanted to be my buddy in the beginning. My weekend friend with with the fellas. I’m the one that dragged you along into my adult days. You’re a loyal dude, so you had no problem with that.
I will say this though. When I tried to say good-bye a few months ago, you kept teasing me. You showed up every where. So please, don’t make this so damn hard. It’s just time to move on. I deserve a little separation. Let’s move on from this toxic relationship. We both need that.
Not to mention, one of the last memories of you was one of the worst. You were there with me when I pushed my father through a door, as he fell to the floor, while my son begged for me to stop. All this while my wife and mother screamed in the background. The sights and sounds of this will never be forgotten. Never.
So good-bye to you, Alcohol. Thank you for the good memories and I’ll try to forget the bad. It’s time for me to grow up. It’s time for me to focus on my family. It’s time for me to make things right. They deserve all of me. They deserve me without you tagging along. Again, thanks for the fun times. There were tons of those. I’m just sorry I abused our relationship. I’ll take the blame for that. And who knows, if I’m ever old and alone, we may meet again. Until then though, it’s time to move on. So this is it. Good-bye.
by wordpress | Nov 10, 2015 | Diet & Fitness, Early Sobriety, Helpful Tips
The brain sees sugar, opiates and alcohol in a similar way – as mechanisms to improve our moods and “take away the pain” from memories of our past and the current state of our lives. While many alcoholics have never concurrently abused other substances, it is not uncommon for us to hear someone in a 12-step meeting introduce him or herself as an “alcoholic/addict”. Let’s be clear – alcoholics ARE addicts. We are addicted to alcohol. We are compelled to drink. Whether we, as individuals, agree with researchers who say alcoholism is a mental disorder, or those who present evidence that alcoholism is a result of early childhood trauma, or that addictions are hereditary, until we accept that it is a problem in our lives and that we have to do something about it, all the “clean eating” and sugar purging will not matter.
Since you are reading this, I will assume you have made the decision to do something about your addiction and that you are concerned about the increase in your cravings for sweets. You want to change and there is a tendency to what to change everything all at once. This is why “quick fix” fitness and diet methods fail. You see, the mind needs at least 30 days to experience a change, another 30 to practice it, and then another 30 to see the beginning effects of the change and realize the change is sustainable. This is why in early recovery, if you try to stop drinking, stop eating sugar, start an exercise program, and cut out fatty foods all at once, your brain will likely not be able to process those changes and will reject them all.
In order to deal with your cravings, you really need to understand some key concepts of the recovery process. Basically, that your mind and body are connected. So, in order to solve the craving issues, you need to learn to let the emotions come, recognize changes as your body recovers, and begin to care for yourself.
Here are 5 key concepts that will help you with our cravings, your nutrition and your recovery, followed by some online resources:
- Feelings – You are so used to covering them up with alcohol that you may not recognize when you are hungry, emotional, or just tired. For one week, hone in on your feelings when you think you are hungry. If you have just eaten a meal, then drink some flavored water (lemons, limes, cucumbers). You may just be dehydrated, which is common when you consume large amounts of alcohol.
- Cravings – The minute you stopped drinking, your brain and body went on the hunt to replace the alcohol with something else. Sugar in all forms – white or raw granules, processed carbohydrates (donuts and cookies), candy (Snickers are my favorite), and fruit (even nature can give us a high) – can do for the brain what the alcohol used to. Unless you have blood sugar issues (diabetes), choosing a candy bar over a shot of whiskey is probably a better choice in early recovery. Eating an apple is even better.
- Nutrition – Your body has gotten used to replacing food with high caloric alcohol and low-quality food, especially if you spent so much money on drinking that you had less cash available to buy good food, and even less desire to cook for yourself. Once you have a week of zeroing in on your feelings and understanding when you are hungry, emotional or just tired, add raw or cooked veggies to at least one meal a day for a week. Even if it’s a can of corn or green beans, your body needs to start getting used to ingesting something other than sugar and alcohol.
- Time – The main reason my clients focus on their mindset during the first few weeks of one of my fitness/nutrition programs is because until they understand their feelings related to food and hunger, then practice mindful eating, and finally start buying healthier foods, they will not be ready to actually prepare and eat them. If you use the first 30 days of your journey to focus on not drinking, finding a method that will give you the tools you need for success (12-step program, therapy, treatment, etc.), and experience your feelings, you will be able to use the next 30-60 days getting the hang of eating better.
- Self-care – Eating well is part of taking care of yourself, but you also need to attend to your mind and body. If you have engaged in a program of some sort, you will undoubtedly be encouraged to use prayer and meditation in your daily routine. You may have continued to exercise while you were drinking – as a fitness professional, I certainly continued to train, although it did me little good while I was still pounding the beer. You may want to continue working out, but you may not have the energy or mindset to do so. Relax. Walk. Play with your kids. Or do nothing.
A word about supplementation – Although alcoholics tends to be deficient in a number of vitamins and minerals, the most common are Pyridoxine (Vitamin B6), Thiamine (Vitamin B1), and Folic Acid (Vitamin B Complex). While you could start taking over-the-counter supplements, you may not need them, thus pouring money down the toilet, both literally and figuratively. Ask your primary care provider about having a complete metabolic screen done to check for any deficiencies, and after the results are in, ask about dietary changes and supplementation. In case you’re curious about where the vitamins above occur naturally in food, here you go:
Vitamin B1 (Thiamine) is found in rice, egg noodles, meat (pork chops), seafood (trout, mussels, and tuna), black beans, and acorn squash.
Vitamin B6 (Pyridoxine) is found in chickpeas, meat (beef liver, chicken breast, and turkey), fish (tuna and salmon), starchy vegetables (potatoes), and bananas.
Vitamin B Complex (Folic Acid) is found naturally in leafy vegetables (spinach, broccoli, and lettuce), okra, asparagus, fruits (bananas, melons, and lemons) beans, yeast, mushrooms, meat (beef liver and kidney), orange juice, and tomato juice.
More resources:
Guided meditation – http://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/top-meditation-iphone-android-apps#2
Nutrition in Recovery guides developed especially for the Recovery Elevator – (http://shellylarsonfitness.com/recoverynutrition
Nutrition resources used by my clients – (http://shellylarsonfitness.com/eat
Sobriety resources – https://www.recoveryelevator.com/resources
“One Size Does Not Fit All!” free webinar – http://shellylarsonfitness.com/webinar
*Disclaimer – Information provided in this post written by Shelly Larson, or in any other materials produced by the author, are for informational purposes only, and should not be construed as a substitute for medical advice. Please contact a qualified healthcare provider regarding matters of personal well being.
by Paul Churchill | Sep 3, 2015 | Early Sobriety, Expectations, Helpful Tips
As much as we learn “Let Go” in recovery we must learn to grab a hold of life by the,..well…grab life by the horns I guess. That’s what I’m focused on today – The Right Now-ness of Life. There have been plenty of days where I just la-de-da’d my way through “wearing life as a loose garment” being all, “I don’t have to worry, God’s got my back…, things will all work out.” And believe me, I’m not downing this – those are some very good ways to live a sober life however, there comes a time when you just have to get real, stand up straight and make things happen. Days when you just have to get the hell up, put on the big kid pants and charge at life like it was your last day on earth.
One thing I used to take solace in was saying, “I’m just waiting to see which way God leads me.”
Today, awaking with a breath of fire, I set out with determination. Today I will get things done – like I used to before I turned into a, well, let’s say, a less than highly productive member of society. I love days when I feel like this; motivated, full of energy, not willing to allow anything to get me down or hold me back. There’s so much to do!
Right now, in this moment, I absolutely love what I’m doing. I get to talk to cool people all over the states and the world who are all somehow related to addiction recovery. I get to write, which even though I may not be an award winner (yet), I write from the heart and it seems to make an impact, thus making me feel accomplished and useful. Walking into treatment, people are not typically feeling very good about themselves. There’s a lot of shame, guilt, regret and remorse. It takes a while before one is able to get over those things, but slowly confidence is regained and at least some of those things can be met face on. Facing some of these particular feelings are really hard. Shame is probably the single most powerful thing that holds addicts back from becoming truly well for the long-term.
Just to be clear, shame is something you feel about something you did, while guilt is about something you did to somebody else. Group Therapy can be extremely effective in making progress toward getting over these extremely negative roadblocks to recovery. Instead of ruminating on them, sorting them out, getting to the root, today I am just by-passing them. Deciding that they are of no use on my journey today has catapulted me into action. To me that is freedom.
Seems to me in some treatments and programs that a lot of negatives are focused upon only increasing shame and guilt. While in some cases this may be helpful to recognize the severity of a situation and responsibility for the damaging parts that are ours, I tend to agree that it’s all better to get over it all rather quickly. In this moment I feel like I just can’t have an albatross of regret hanging around my neck with a list of people I need to apologize to. These things will all come in their time. And one things that’s for sure, is that the world doesn’t slow down just because we decide to examine how awful we were in our past days of using. So here’s my point; don’t forget to live – TODAY. Catch your breath, feel better, clean up your act and get on with it. Do good things (you know what they are!) Be the change and make a difference. Today. NOW.
by Paul Churchill | Aug 23, 2015 | Blog, Early Sobriety, Helpful Tips
Roughly 20 years ago, I recall sitting around our favorite round table, at our favorite sports bar, on our favorite (weren’t they all) night to party. A sweaty draft beer in front of me, I pondered just how much money I had spent during all years of drinking. At that time, all of those years only added up to a legal 3 years. Also at that time, a draft beer only cost me my share of $1.00 pitcher. At the time, I had lofty dreams that I could have already bought a house or a car… or both, with the “thousands” I had spent on my addiction. I have to believe that only an alcoholic would think such a ludicrous thought, and furthermore, continue to drink without abandon.
Back in these vintage times, when iphones, apps and even the internet where a mere figment of the Jetsons’ imagination, I didn’t have a random calculation at my fingertips. One can deduce that lack of information led me to drink for another decade… or two.
Here I am, feet firmly planted in sobriety in the year 2015. Sober for today, as I do this thing one day at a time. Part of my springboard into recovery, was a sobriety app that I downloaded the day after I left our local crisis center. I did this almost immediately because I didn’t want to lose track of my progress. I hung on that information like a lifeline. Checking it every morning, feeling victorious for making it through another sunset, and ready to move through that day’s sunrise and challenges.
Staying sober also requires a large amount of accountability. For me, “coming out” about my alcoholism was a huge part of how I stay restrained each day. I have surrounded myself with like-minded people, on the same path of sober enlightenment. Along with friends and family that have my best interest at heart, and watch my evolution. Likewise, a sobriety app is a daily accountability tool. A daybreak reminder of our progress; by the day, the dollar, and the calorie.
Quitting drinking quite possibly could be the most difficult thing you have ever embarked upon in your life so be sure to add a sobriety tracker to your tool kit.
Users can email us at info@recovery elevator.com if you would like the Recovery Elevator Sobriety Tracker app.
by Paul Churchill | Aug 6, 2015 | Blog, Early Sobriety, The Bottom, The first Year
I’m an alcoholic. Okay, so that probably didn’t really get your attention since this is a blog about that very subject. Let me say that another way, and note that I will use the past tense. I LOVED alcohol. I loved the way it made me feel. I loved to hold it. I loved to buy it. I loved to smell it. I Loved to talk about it. I LOVED alcohol.
I also liked to hide it. I liked to drink it late at night, when everyone was asleep. I liked wine that was concealed in a box. I liked to have a few beers while I got ready for a party. I drank before I drank, you could say. Yeah, that was fun.
I was okay with all of that. I was okay with justifying anything that revolved around alcohol. I was okay that I ran for the bar at every party. I was okay that I had to have wine with steak, beer with burgers, and margaritas with Mexican. I was okay with all that.
With that said, I hated waking up in the morning and not remembering the last hour of the previous night. I hated looking in the mirror, that same morning, and seeing a pale face with bags under my eyes. On some mornings, those eyes might be extra puffy because I cried in that same mirror about 6 hours earlier. I hated that damn mirror.
So there you have it. I loved it. I liked it. I was okay with it. I hated it. That was my ride with alcohol. I say “was” with hopes that I can run from that ride. If it catches up with me, that ride will ruin my life. There’s no doubt about that. None.
I am blessed that I can run from this problem with people who love me. I am blessed that I can go to meetings with people that can relate to me. I am blessed to look in that mirror and see color in my skin. White in my eyes. And I’m so blessed to not have cried at that very face the night before.
I am thankful that I can write for this blog and tell you this. I am thankful that I stopped alcohol at the age of 41. I am thankful that I have a family that loves me so much. I am thankful for my memory. You see, I have awesome things that go on around me, and it’s nice to keep those awesome things from being blacked out.
I’m not sure if alcohol is a disease, a mental disorder, or what. All I know is that I, Robert Stedman, have an allergy to it. I refuse to be ashamed of that. It is what it is. I will say this. I will no longer dance with my addiction. Let me rephrase that. I HOPE AND PRAY that I will no longer dance with my addiction. I’m worth it.
