by Paul Churchill | Jun 27, 2016 | Early Sobriety, Expectations, The first Year
I have returned after a long absence! Things are proceeding along for me, and I’m over five months sober–157 days.
My neighborhood is surrounded by a major construction project, one of many throughout our fair city. I have determined this to be more than the usual “construction season” work typical for Minnesota in the warm months, in preparation to host the Superbowl in 2018. This is a huge time of transition for the city, and I only hope its effects are lastingly beneficial to the citizens.
What truly astounds me is that for only being a few blocks away, my home is still calm, peaceful, and amazingly quiet.
It’s easy to draw the connection, here. As I continue to reconstruct my life through this process of recovery, it can get loud. Obnoxious, sometimes. The inner turmoil of being under construction can be exhausting. Sometimes people close to me have to dodge and duck from mishandled rebar and concrete. I’m not a practiced worker, yet. Sometimes I knock out walls that are meant to be load-bearing with a flick of the wrist while helming a wrecking ball, when all I needed was a hammer. Really all I needed was a level (head).
But my head isn’t always level, and that’s where my Higher Power comes in, when I remember to ask for it. My HP is the site supervisor. It’s what props those walls back up, shuts things down when they overheat, and offers the right tools for the tasks at hand.
And when I’m really paying attention, my HP provides peace, tranquility, and serenity in the middle of a million noisy construction projects. My HP is what keeps the grass green and the trees blooming in the Edens at the eyes of the storms.
And my HP allows me to do a little damage sometimes, make mistakes and try things I’m not fully trained to do, because making those choices will ultimately teach me so much more. So I can grow like the gardens and the parks, live free and wild and always changing.
I hope I’m always a little bit under construction: constantly improving but never perfectly complete.
About the Author: Sarje Haynes is a grateful recovering alcoholic from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Learn more about her journey in sobriety at: https://nowbehere.org/about/
by Paul Churchill | Nov 23, 2015 | Early Sobriety, The Bottom, The first Year
Good-bye alcohol. It’s just time to let you go. You’ve been a loyal friend for all these years, but our relationship is getting way too toxic. You were awesome in the beginning, steady in the middle, and unpredictable towards the end. But damn, in the last 8 months, you’ve been brutal. You’ve turned on me, or maybe I’ve turned on you. Either way, it’s time. Time to move on.
I’m not gonna say good-bye without a thank you. I appreciate all the confidence you gave me, especially during those college years. You took away tons of stress and even gave me some pretty cool dance moves. If I had a shitty day, you were the one thing I looked forward to. You were so loyal to me. Always there…ready to help me relax.
I’m gonna really miss our steak dinners together. Our Mexican restaurant fiestas. You were awesome as a margarita. I’ll never forget our days on the lake…at the reservoir. Our late nights with old friends. I’m gonna really miss you when I fire up the grill. I mean let’s be serious, water on the rocks ain’t the same. Not even close.
I have no idea how I’m ever gonna eat crawfish again. The beach may have lost its luster too. I went without you this year, and it sucked, especially since you were cheating on me with everyone else. You were definitely putting on a show at the beach, and if you can remember, you finally won me over. Yep, you joined me for the drive home. Of course, that was sorta scary. Over 200 miles of you and me on the road together. We seemed to have a lot of those kinda moments, especially towards the end.
This brings me to all those bad times. Too many to count. I mean, damn, I can barely remember all those late night documentaries we watched on Netflix. And you gave me a short fuse at my temper. Yep, you ignited that on way too many occasions. My wife and friends tell me about how intense I got, and the horrible things I said. It’s a disgusting feeling knowing I did those things and not being able to remember. Yep, these are some of those not-good moments we had together. Lots and lots of those.
Did you notice towards the end, how much we cried together. All those sad midnights looking in the mirror. I was totally ashamed of you. Embarrassed. We had become such closet companions towards the end. I became way too dependent on you. I seemed to need you for damn near everything. I take the blame for that. I totally abused our relationship.
To be honest, when it’s all said and done, I’m probably the one at fault here. I took advantage of you. I really think you just wanted to be my buddy in the beginning. My weekend friend with with the fellas. I’m the one that dragged you along into my adult days. You’re a loyal dude, so you had no problem with that.
I will say this though. When I tried to say good-bye a few months ago, you kept teasing me. You showed up every where. So please, don’t make this so damn hard. It’s just time to move on. I deserve a little separation. Let’s move on from this toxic relationship. We both need that.
Not to mention, one of the last memories of you was one of the worst. You were there with me when I pushed my father through a door, as he fell to the floor, while my son begged for me to stop. All this while my wife and mother screamed in the background. The sights and sounds of this will never be forgotten. Never.
So good-bye to you, Alcohol. Thank you for the good memories and I’ll try to forget the bad. It’s time for me to grow up. It’s time for me to focus on my family. It’s time for me to make things right. They deserve all of me. They deserve me without you tagging along. Again, thanks for the fun times. There were tons of those. I’m just sorry I abused our relationship. I’ll take the blame for that. And who knows, if I’m ever old and alone, we may meet again. Until then though, it’s time to move on. So this is it. Good-bye.
by Paul Churchill | Aug 6, 2015 | Blog, Early Sobriety, The Bottom, The first Year
I’m an alcoholic. Okay, so that probably didn’t really get your attention since this is a blog about that very subject. Let me say that another way, and note that I will use the past tense. I LOVED alcohol. I loved the way it made me feel. I loved to hold it. I loved to buy it. I loved to smell it. I Loved to talk about it. I LOVED alcohol.
I also liked to hide it. I liked to drink it late at night, when everyone was asleep. I liked wine that was concealed in a box. I liked to have a few beers while I got ready for a party. I drank before I drank, you could say. Yeah, that was fun.
I was okay with all of that. I was okay with justifying anything that revolved around alcohol. I was okay that I ran for the bar at every party. I was okay that I had to have wine with steak, beer with burgers, and margaritas with Mexican. I was okay with all that.
With that said, I hated waking up in the morning and not remembering the last hour of the previous night. I hated looking in the mirror, that same morning, and seeing a pale face with bags under my eyes. On some mornings, those eyes might be extra puffy because I cried in that same mirror about 6 hours earlier. I hated that damn mirror.
So there you have it. I loved it. I liked it. I was okay with it. I hated it. That was my ride with alcohol. I say “was” with hopes that I can run from that ride. If it catches up with me, that ride will ruin my life. There’s no doubt about that. None.
I am blessed that I can run from this problem with people who love me. I am blessed that I can go to meetings with people that can relate to me. I am blessed to look in that mirror and see color in my skin. White in my eyes. And I’m so blessed to not have cried at that very face the night before.
I am thankful that I can write for this blog and tell you this. I am thankful that I stopped alcohol at the age of 41. I am thankful that I have a family that loves me so much. I am thankful for my memory. You see, I have awesome things that go on around me, and it’s nice to keep those awesome things from being blacked out.
I’m not sure if alcohol is a disease, a mental disorder, or what. All I know is that I, Robert Stedman, have an allergy to it. I refuse to be ashamed of that. It is what it is. I will say this. I will no longer dance with my addiction. Let me rephrase that. I HOPE AND PRAY that I will no longer dance with my addiction. I’m worth it.
by Paul Churchill | Apr 6, 2015 | The first Year, Uncategorized
*Alcoholics Anonymous works for me. The fellowship and my personal program, are what has kept me sober for nearly 10 months. I have a “home group” and attend a daily meeting, or sometimes two meetings per day. Recently, I stepped out of my comfort zone and attended a meeting that I had not been to before. While there, someone said something that really resonated with me. That relapse of our addiction happens long before we pick up that first drink.
A recovering alcoholic who is headed for relapse is not just suddenly “struck drunk”. There is a process and a series of events that leads up to the moment when the person picks up the drink. Something happens internally, on an emotional level, before the decision is made to put drugs or alcohol into the body.
When we talk about this occurrence we often refer to it as “emotional relapse.” Before you actually pick up the drink, something happens on an emotional level whereby the alcoholic rather non-chalantly thinks “Whatever, I am just going to get drunk.”
Why does this happen? How can it be prohibited?
Your current emotional state today is a result of all of your past decisions in life. How are you cultivating your emotional garden? Have you excavated your personal history?
The influence of routine cannot be overlooked. You become what you practice every day.
Emotional sobriety and your level of stability are crucial to your well being.
What are you cultivating today? How are you rebuilding your life and your labors?
Are you nurturing your body? What about your character? Are you being showing gratitude each day? If not, how can you begin to increase your gratitude? (Keeping a daily journal, join a gratitude group)
What is the state of your relationships? Are you learning to love yourself again? Even though that takes dedication? Are you learning to love and care for others in your sobriety? And perhaps most importantly, are you learning to set boundaries in your relationships? Are you putting healthy distance between yourself and those who would steal your energy and your serenity?
There are many ways to nurture YOU in recovery. YOU are accountable to find these tools to start living a healthier life. Sobriety is a journey, connected to your physical and emotional well being. To avoid relapse, take care of every aspect of your psyche.
Do you have awareness when you are emotionally upset in your recovery journey? Do you notice that you obsess about the drink when you sink into that state of mind? What is your plan to deal with the symptoms of relapse? Leave a comment and let us know.
*Recovery Elevator is not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous.
