041: Emotional Sobriety and Not Just a Dry Drunk
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In Episode 41, I talk about emotional sobriety which is a topic breached with trepidation because fully understanding emotional sobriety is near impossible and I have so much more to learn about it. Also in this episode, I interview Erik from Massachusetts who is doing a great job in recovery working with other alcoholics. He mentioned in his interview that it isn’t a requirement to hit rock bottom in recovery, a concept I wasn’t familiar with in 2014 when I hit my bottom. The bulk of the content for this episode comes from Elliot P who just reached 2 years of sobriety earlier this month. Way to go Elliot!
Concept: Drinking sucks and there must be an easier medical way to quit – but is it worth it?
Today I want to introduce you all to a little concept I like to call “The Carrot & The Stick” of recovery. I like it because it it reminds us why we are here but it shifts the focus from fear (of drinking) to the hope available to each one of us. Hope for a full, deep and abundant life in recovery. “What?” you may say! “I though recovery was just about not drinking?” To that I say, why would we define something by what it is not? Sure, recovery is not drinking. But, then if that is what it is not, what is it? Hang with me here guys… I think this is a fun one!
I remember back when I was drinking heavily but knew it was a problem. I was so desperately looking for any solution other than a 12 step based recovery program. Honestly, I though if being sober just means “don’t drink” I liked the idea of taking something like An-abuse every day for the rest of my life and just not drinking. The idea sounded like: Problem Solved! Saying it now, it seems like a shallow and crude solution but, I think we can all admit thinking something along those lines while we were in the throughs of addiction. Maybe some people listening to this are thinking that very thing and let me tell you, you are not alone! Taken at face value, it sounds like I good idea! I don’t know much about An-abuse (or any sobriety inducing drug) and am not endorsing it or bashing it (as I’m certain those types of drugs are helpful to some!) but the point is, if drinking is the problem, there must be an easier way to fix the problem than spending a lifetime in a 12 step program taking it ONE DAY AT A TIME! My alcoholic mind is always looking for the “easier and softer way” to stay sober. I mean, come on, can’t there be a pill that will fix my addiction (another ironic thought, as part of my addiction was to pills!)? I know you have all thought this at some point…. heck, with all the developments in the medical world, and with Alcoholism bing classified as a DISEASE – where is the medical cure?
Buuuuut…. Now that I’ve been sober for a short while, I can tell you how grateful I am that I found a different solution to my alcoholic problems! Hang with me, I’ll explain:
You see, when I was drinking, and even when I quit by myself for that two year period, I didn’t know how to enjoy life. I was irritable. I was generally discontent in every moment. I still felt like I had a lot to prove but with every success validating my worth, I still felt empty. Maybe some people listening to this can relate. It felt like there was a hole in my life I couldn’t fill and now that I wasn’t filling it with alcohol, there was still the hole.
You see, now that I’m a little farther away from that time, I see that even though alcohol caused many problems in my life, it was actually the solution for even deeper underlying problems. I know, Mind Blown! Alcohol was a solution to my problems until it became THE Problem. With alcohol gone, the root problems that lead to my drinking once again surfaced. The thing is, I was afraid I was the only one with these problems. I was ashamed of my drinking, I felt lonely, inadequate and isolated and I was ashamed of these thoughts and feelings. Its funny how we alcoholics and addicts are so self centered we even think we are the only one in the world who feels exactly like we do! And because of that we want to hide it and fix it ourselves! No “sobriety pill” can fix that! But I digress.
Back to the stick…. so I held out going into recovery because I was looking for some “magic medical solution” that would be easier than following a 12 step program. In a nutshell, my drinking got worse, I got suicidal, and out of desperation I decided to give a 12 step program a chance. The medical cure would have to wait! I was getting beaten by the “stick” of drinking… it was like a cane just beating me over and over.
So I finally gave up my struggle to do it on my own and I entered and AA meeting and told my story. I immediately found relieve and hope when at meetings. People there were generally happy, quick to laugh, hopeful, energetic, and caring. One thing I heard over and over was “keep coming back.” “Keep Coming Back.” “Keep coming back.” As long as I kept coming back, started to work the 12 steps, got a sponsor and stayed plugged in I had a chance to stay sober. I kept coming back to stay sober – or that big stick (of drinking) might find its way out of wherever it was hiding and start beating me again. Its a good stick but it is still a stick! After a while I was delighted to find that somewhere along the way my compulsion to drink had vanished! Yet, I know the stick is there so I still keep coming back. Its a small price to pay to help minimize the chance of any relapse! I’m eternally grateful for this stick because, my foundation all starts with not drinking!
But here is the thing, by working this program of recovery, I’m starting to experience new an amazing things I didn’t expect in life. When I got here I just wanted to not drink and the fear of drinking was enough to keep me plugged in. Now, I’m finding so much more in life the I ever expected. Some people say that first comes Sobriety from substances and then comes Emotional Sobriety. Emotional sobriety can be described as the ability to deal with feelings in a positive way. It is the deep understanding that you know you will be okay so you allow yourself to feel the entire spectrum of feelings and you don’t try to cover them up with substances. Its almost like a serenity that gives you the confidence knowing your feelings are just things – and that they aren’t necessarily you. So you can feel good, or bad feelings and with Emotional sobriety you allow them to both flow through your life without worrying too much that they will stay forever.
I’m certainly not an expert with this, but it is so amazing to see small glimpses of this begging to happen in my life:
For example (Paul to list examples he has noticed from his own life):
1) The other day while hiking, my mind was at peace and while up in the mountains in Montana resting at a pristine glacier lake at the end my my hike I realized “I liked myself,” all of myself – personality defects and all. For that brief moment it felt so good to accept myself as I am! I think that feeling of self love is part of emotional sobriety and is something we can ALLl feel! If you don’t fell it yet, know you can! And, if not, maybe consider setting it as a goal.
2) Another example was when I was waiting in line to buy some sunflowers seeds at a Town pump gas station. There was only one cashier and the line was rally long. Normally, I would shuffle through that experience being miserable, but instead, I struck up a conversation with a random stranger and after 5 minutes, I felt like I wanted to ask for this guys number because it was such a good conversation. I didn’t ask for the guy’s number, but you get the point.
3) Another small miracle that is happening right now is that I have things to do today that I am not doing right now. What I mean is that I used to have all my important tasks done before I could have any change at enjoying the day. Now, I am writing this blog post/podcast enjoying the moment fully aware and accepting that I can get to those other tasks later in the day. I am in the moment baby!
I don’t say these things because I think I’m so great. In fact, I think I’m pretty normal. I say them to illustrate the “Carrot” that also comes with recovery. Its the unexpected, and hopefully unending progress we can make in our life now that we have the honesty, relationships, resources and program to REALLY LIVE one day at a time. If I’d somehow just found that medical cure, I’d probably not be drinking, but I’d still have to SUFFER through life one day at a time!
So, some of you who are listening to this are thinking about getting sober and some of you are already sober and looking to find new ways to improve your sobriety. If you are thinking about getting sober, I can ABSOLUTELY tell you that THE STICK is real. Staying sober is hard work but the damage from drinking is so much harder to live with! But everyone, lets not forget about the Carrot! The Emotional Sobriety that can follow is “where its at!” This experience of full, deep and abundant life and the process of starting to love ourselves and others might just be WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT! Thats the gift of Emotional Sobriety.
I think Pages 83-84 of the Big Book says it best. It says:
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Selfseeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
With that Recovery Elevator, lets make this week a carrot week. If anyone happens to be doing anything with carrots: eating carrot cake, juicing carrots, feeding bunnies, you get the idea… snap a selfie and upload it onto the Private Facebook Recovery Elevator Accountability page! Bonus points if you are eating carrots as you get off an elevator or taking the stairs back up!
