RE 221: We Must First Learn Who We Aren’t

by Paul Churchill | May 13, 2019 | Podcast

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Liz, with a sobriety date of July 8, 2017, shares her story.

Workshops for the Bozeman, MT, retreat in August are lined up!  There are still a few spots left!  You can find more information about this event here

On today’s podcast Paul talks about a common misconception people have as they move forward in a life without alcohol.  That misconception is that when we get sober, we will finally find out who we really are.  But that isn’t how it works.  We do get to that point, but first we must find out who we aren’t.

During this phase; people, places, things, ideas, thought patterns, identities, that are no longer in line with your new direction in life will start to fade away.  Just allow this process to happen.   Recovery is all about action, but this is a process of inaction.  This is a recurring process.

SHOW NOTES

[10:05] Paul introduces Liz. 

Liz is 29 years old and is originally from Indiana but is now living in Frankfurt, Illinois.  She is a licensed, board certified, acupuncturist and Chinese herbalist.  She is married.  For fun she enjoys working out, hiking, yoga, reading, going to concerts, and she is a big foodie.

[11:00] Give us a little background about your drinking. 

Liz started drinking when she was about 12 or 13 years old.  She was an only child and grew up in an abusive household, with addict parents (who are still active in their addictions).  She was sexually abused by her father and his friends between the ages of 8-10.  All of this trauma laid dormant until Liz was 21 years old.

Liz’s father would give her drugs and alcohol whenever she would ask, she believes it was his way of keeping her numb, so that she would never speak up.  Her house was the party house in high school, and even middle school.

Liz dated an ecstasy dealer, which led her into an ecstasy addiction and an overdose.  At the age of 20 she went to jail for underage drinking.  She moved to Chicago when she was 21.  She was working and going to school full time, and drinking.

[16:55] You are the first person interviewed that has said they always knew they had a drinking problem, please explain.

She knew that when she started drinking at 12/13 years old that she was drinking to cover something up.  It was always a numbing agent for Liz, never a feel-good agent.  It was just the way I coped with everything.  Knowing she needed help she found an addictions counselor in Chicago.  Within the first session the counselor was telling her she was an alcoholic and addict, needed AA and to enter inpatient treatment.

She continued to go to therapy, but did not enter into inpatient.  It was during this time that the sexual abuse from her childhood started to surface and her drinking and drugging intensified.

[20:24] What was it like when these memories started to bubble up? 

Liz says this is when the downward spiral of her addiction really started to intensify.  She was still going to work and school, but was blacking out nightly.  If she didn’t go to bed drunk, she would have vivid night terrors.

[22:23] Tell us about what it was like when you were meeting with the hypnotherapist.      

She assessed Liz, told her she needed AA and to stop drinking and basically told her she was not willing to work with her unless she stopped drinking.  Liz told her she was unwilling to stop drinking and insisted on the therapy.  The therapist agreed to proceed although she told her she may not get much out of it due to her alcohol consumption.  Liz showed up for every appointment, about twice a week for 6 months.  It was the most intense therapy Liz has ever gone through.  She relived the trauma and was able to heal from it.

[24:45] What happened next?     

She continued to see the therapist, continued to drink, and she finished school.  Once she was done with school she moved to Illinois.  Her drinking//drugging slowed to the weekends, although she was still blacking out and her weekends were spent hungover.  She tried moderating.  She started breaking out in hives when she would drink.  It did not matter what she drank, or how much.  One drink would lead to hives from head to toe.  So, she started taking Claritin before she drank, so she could continue drinking without the hives.  Her hangovers started to get worse and last longer.

She got engaged in 12/2015 and married in 8/2017.  July of 2017 was her bachelorette party weekend, and July 8, 2017 is her sobriety date.

[31:16] What was it like in early sobriety?

She remembers being really scared to go anywhere, not wanting to explain anything to anyone.  Feelings were new to her and made her nervous.  She continued with her therapy during the first year of sobriety.  She did AA for about 6 months.

[35:00] Talk to us about how acupuncture can be helpful in sobriety. 

Acupuncture can help release endorphins, increase serotonin levels, help get people off of anxiety meds, and help with overall cravings.

[37:25] How has your life changed in sobriety?

She finally feels content, no longer feels restless.

[40:10] What’s on your bucket list in sobriety?

Liz wants to travel; Australia and New Zealand are next on her list.  She would also like to find a good yoga retreat to attend.  She wants to help others and to be more open about her sobriety.

[42:19] Rapid Fire Round

1. Worst memory from drinking?

Ending up in the hospital in Memphis for alcohol poisoning, also waking up and not having memories.

2. Do you remember a specific ‘oh-shit’ moment?

When she couldn’t make it through a whole day of class without going across the street to the bar.  Waking up without a phone or wallet.  Getting arrested for underage drinking.

3. What’s your plan moving forward?

Being more open about my sobriety and using my acupuncture background to help other addicts.  Really being part of a good sober community.

4. What’s your favorite resource in recovery?

This podcast and hypnotherapy as well.

5. In regards to sobriety what is the best advice you’ve ever received?

You are not defined by your past traumas.  Drinking is not going to fix anything.

6. The best parting piece of advice you can give the listeners.

Work on your shit.

7. You might be an alcoholic if…

Alcohol gives you hives, but you take a Claritin and drink anyways.

Upcoming retreats:

Bozeman Retreat – August 14-18, 2019

Asia Adventure – January 20-31, 2020

You can find more information about these events here

Resources mentioned in this episode:

This episode is brought to you in support by Care/Of. For 25% off your first month of personalized Care/of vitamins, go to TakeCareOf.com and enter the promo code ELEVATOR

Connect with Cafe RE– Use the promo code OPPORTUNITY for your first month free

Sobriety Tracker iTunes

Sobriety Tracker Android

Sober Selfies! – Send your Sober Selfie and your Success Story to info@recoveryelevator.com

“Recovery Elevator – It all starts from the inside-out.”

RE 220: Depression, Stress and Anxiety

by Paul Churchill | May 6, 2019 | Podcast

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Nick, with 111 days sober, shares his story.

On today’s episode Paul discusses anxiety, depression and stress.   “These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.” ~ Rumi.

Depression is when mental energies are stuck in the past, anxiety is when we are living in the future, and stress accumulates when the end goal is more important than the task at hand.   Liberation from all three of these dysfunctions resides in the present moment.

There is an undeniable connection between alcohol and depression.  Remove alcohol and the bulk of melancholy should be lifted within a matter of months.  Anxiety levels should also return to baseline after removing alcohol from your life.  When we are primarily focused on the end outcome, and not the task at hand, we experience stress.  Stress can be devastating to the equanimity in the body.  The most powerful remedy to depression, anxiety, and stress is to ground yourself in the moment.

SHOW NOTES

[10:40] Paul introduces Nick

Nick is 32 years old and lives in Vancouver, Canada.  He works in the career center at a university.  He has been married for 2 years.  For fun, he is still trying to figure that out in sobriety, but he enjoys having conversation and making connections with people.

[13:20] Give us a little background about your drinking. 

Nick didn’t really start drinking until his early 20’s.  He says he liked to drink, that there never really was a time that he did not enjoy it.  He felt he could drink more than most and still be OK.  And what that ended up doing was it basically normalized drinking large amounts of alcohol, because he wasn’t getting sick or waking up with a hangover.  Things slowly escalated from there.

In 2010 Nick moved to Vancouver.  There were a few times when he decided that he didn’t like how much he was drinking, and he would just stop for a few months at a time.

[17:00] What was the catalyst for you to decide to go a month or two without alcohol?

He went through a really messed up experience between his best friend and the person he was dating at the time.   He dealt with that experience by drinking.   What he came to realize was that alcohol just made him feel worse.   So, he distanced himself from those 2 people and from alcohol.  He went 3-4 months without drinking, not thinking he would never drink again, but more because he felt he needed a break from it.

When Nick started to drink again, the next year or two, it wasn’t that bad.

But what came back very quickly was the familiar feeling that alcohol made him feel comfortable, safe, more confident.

The thing that tipped Nick off to drinking becoming a problem was in order to feel normal or comfortable in a situation, he needed alcohol.

[20:15] When did you realize that your drinking was a problem? 

It’s hard for him to pinpoint exactly when that happened.  It built very slowly over time.  It snowballed and it wasn’t until many years later that he realized that he had lost control.

[22:05] When was the moment that you did stop and see that alcohol was the factor that was causing that unease in your life?    

Nick says there were lots of smaller moments, but when he really knew it, it was about 6 months after a good friend died from leukemia.  He started isolating and drinking alone.

[25:50] Did you have a rock bottom moment?  How did you finally make the push forward into sobriety?     

Nick tried to moderate, which didn’t work.  He then started to go to counseling on a regular basis.  He was honest with his therapist about his drinking.   He started journaling which helped him to see why he was drinking.  He became more self-aware and was communicating better.  He was still sad and grieving.  Over the next year his drinking escalated.

Around September 2018 he was listening to a lot of podcasts and just knew that he had to give up drinking.  He came home one day, after listening to the RE podcast, took his earbuds out, and just cried.  Part of the reason he cried was because he realized that he was not alone.

[34:05] When the tears came flowing, what did it feel like to fully lean in?    

Nick says it felt terrifying and he felt very vulnerable, but also so relieved.  That began a long series of day ones.   On December 1st he joined the Café’RE Facebook group.  After drinking a lot after a staff party on December 7, he has not picked up since.

[41:30] What was the first week like, the first month?  How did you do it? 

The first few days were a little rough.   Because of all the journaling he had done he knew the hours that he needed to keep himself busy.  He changed the route he would take as he would walk home so that he would not be passing liquor stores.  He got connected and reached out to others in the group.

[44:16] With 111 days what’s he biggest challenge you’ve encountered so far? 

The feeling of plateauing.  He’s sober and isn’t experiencing cravings, so the question of “what now”?

[45:50] What was the Recovery Elevator Nashville event like?

It was great.  As soon as he heard about the Nashville event, he knew he had to try to get himself there.

[48:30] What are you going to do next in recovery?

Nick would like to work with people in addiction and recovery.

[51:20] Rapid Fire Round

1. Worst memory from drinking?

Waking up and realizing that you hurt someone you care about, but you can’t remember why, is the absolute worst feeling in the world.

2. Do you remember a specific ‘oh-shit’ moment?

The last night he drank.  It was though the scotch he was drinking was water.  It just wasn’t working anymore.

3. Best advice you’ve ever received? And what advice can you give to someone who is thinking about getting sober?

Be open and vulnerable, be willing to give and receive love.

4. You might be an alcoholic if…

You go to slide a wine bottle under your couch, and you hear it hit another bottle, which hits another bottle.

Upcoming retreats:

Bozeman Retreat – August 14-18, 2019

Asia Adventure – January 20-31, 2020

You can find more information about these events here

Resources mentioned in this episode:

This episode is brought to you in support by ZipRecruiter. Right now, my listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free. Visit Ziprecruiter.com/elevator

Connect with Cafe RE– Use the promo code OPPORTUNITY for your first month free

Sobriety Tracker iTunes

Sobriety Tracker Android

Sober Selfies! – Send your Sober Selfie and your Success Story to info@recoveryelevator.com

“Recovery Elevator – It all starts from the inside-out.”

RE 218: Let’s Talk Relapse

by Paul Churchill | Apr 22, 2019 | Podcast

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James, with a sobriety date of November 12, 2016, shares his story.

Recovery Elevator is on Instagram!  Please follow Paul and Ben here .

On today’s podcast Paul discuses relapse.  For some, and Paul has only met a few, relapse isn’t part of their story.  But for the vast majority it is, and it isn’t something to be ashamed of.  Spontaneous sobriety is rare.  Paul feels that the word ‘relapse’ is another word in recovery, similar to the word ‘alcoholic’, that needs to be thrown out.  The word ‘relapse’ has implications of failure.

When we drink again, after having made the internal declaration not to, we are simply doing more field research, learning lessons along the way.  If you find yourself in a continuous cycle of field research, self-compassion is key.   Stop placing success and failure parameters on whether you drank last night or not.  When we start addressing what we are using alcohol to cover up than relapse will become less frequent and even a thing of the past.

When you do find yourself on stable footing, beware of the 3 most dangerous words on this journey…I got this.

SHOW NOTES

**Listeners you can listen to James’ first interview back on episode 105 when he had 74 days of sobriety, today he has 850 days. 

[8:05] Paul introduces James

James is 31 years old and lives in New Jersey with his wife and their pomsky, Milo.    He works in Manhattan.  For fun he likes to golf, go to the gym, and hang with his wife and pup.

[10:50] Give us a little background about your drinking. 

James started drinking when he was 13, stealing beers and wine coolers from the liquor cabinet.  In high school he was not a big drinker, although he remembers how drinking helped make him feel comfortable.

He started college, on a golf scholarship, became good friends with one of his teammates that was a Christian, started going to bible study and church and didn’t drink his entire freshman year.   Later, one of his teammates from England, was graduating so they threw a party and James drank.  He picked up right where he left off and the next three years of college he was binge drinking and dabbled in drugs.

The spring semester of his senior year his coach called him in to his office and told him not to come to practice anymore, that he was coming in smelling like liquor and bringing the rest of the team down.  This was the first time that he realized his drinking was affecting other people.

[13:44] Can you tell us what it felt like to have someone on the outside call you out on your drinking. 

Immediately James was embarrassed and ashamed.  He walked out of the office feeling sad and like he had let everyone down.  He was able to curb his drinking enough to not be a burden and make it through the last 3 months playing golf.

2010 James was in Barcelona, caddying at a nice country club, the 2nd day he caddied he met a man that offered him a job which he took a week later.  This was the beginning of the end.  From the time he graduated at 21 years old to 28 years old, when he got sober, it was a quick progression of drugs and alcohol.  In the span of 5 years James lost his Grandfather, his uncle and his Dad.  Instead of dealing with the losses he used alcohol and drugs.

At 27 he was arrested for possession of cocaine, theft, and disturbing the peace.  This leads to an intervention by his family and his Mom gives him the option to go to rehab or see a therapist.  He picked the therapist.  He went through a number of therapists and his girlfriend of 2 years left him during this time.

[22:40] What did it feel like that moment when you told yourself you were done. 

He immediately felt a sense of relief.  He reached out to a friend from college, that he used to party with, but from his posts on Facebook knew that he had gotten sober.  At this time neither his family, or his girlfriend, would talk to him.  He went to see his friend from college the next day.  Talking to him helped, and he also started 12 weeks of IOP.  Everyday he would ask himself, is this going to honor my father.  He knew he had to make some changes and he firmly believes his father died to save his life.

[24:45] Once you surrendered, how did you make it one week, one month, how did you do it?

One day at a time.  James says he was never a half-in guy, so once he decided to get sober, he dove in.  He found the RE podcast, started reading a lot, went to AA, and was going to IOP and therapy 3 times a week.  Very early he burned the ships with everyone, which he says was very therapeutic.  He could finally breath and no longer had all the guilt and the shame.

[28:00] What was the transition from drinking/partying like you did, to the clean and sober life, like?   

James said it was hard, but that it was almost like he was going back to the person he was the whole time, and it was a relief.  In the last 6 months he shifted from playing the victim and feels he is becoming exactly who he is supposed to be.

[33:05] Talk to us about your year 1 and year 2 and the differences between the two.      

James says he definitely had the classic pink cloud and felt great.  At the end of year 1 he started to struggle a bit but after he hit the year mark, he felt rejuvenated.   He booked the trip to Peru with Café RE and between months 13-15 things took another turn.  Things felt dark and he was asking himself if this was what he got sober for.  It was then he had a conversation with a friend, and with Paul, about ayahuasca and stayed in Peru to attend a ceremony.  James says it wasn’t a magic bullet but that ayahuasca, hiking Machu Picchu, and getting married in October, is what changed his attitude about everything.

[35:15] On a group chat we were on you said one of the lessons you learned was that you no longer have to be the biggest guy in the room, talk to us about that.    

The first night, of the first ceremony he did, there was a gentleman there from New Zealand who was bigger than James.  (Who is 6’3” and 220 pounds, which he had always identified himself by.)  During the ceremony James was weeping and this gentleman came up behind him, put his arms around him, held him like a baby, and told him to just let it all out.  It was at this time he let go of feeling like always had to me the biggest guy in the room.  He was supposed to do 3 ceremonies but after the first one he told the shaman that he had gotten what he needed and didn’t do the remaining 2.

[39:30] Talk to us about Cardamone Coaching.

Even as a kid James knew he wanted to help people.  Wanting to become a recovery coach was something he discussed with Paul while in Peru.  He realized fear was what was holding him back and that that was all bullshit, so he got certified to be a recovery coach.  His goal is to help people in recovery by using his own experience.

James’ coaching website is: https://www.cardamonecoaching.com/ .

[45:06] I saw your registration come in for the Bozeman retreat, what are you looking forward to at this retreat?

Going back to Bozeman, it’s a change of pace from New York City.  Seeing some of the same people and meeting new people.   The retreats have changed James’ life.

[47:25] Rapid Fire Round

1. What is you plan in sobriety moving forward?

Continue doing what I’m doing, stay the course, one day at a time, and helping people.

2. What’s your favorite resource in sobriety?

Reading, I must have read 35 books in the last 2 ½ years, reading has really opened me up to different things.

3. In regards to sobriety what’s the best advice you’ve ever received?

It gets better and you never have to feel this way again if you don’t pick up a drink or a drug.

4. What parting piece of guidance can you give to listeners?

You are good enough

.

5. You might be an alcoholic if…

If you get arrested outside of a nightclub with drugs in your pocket, a stolen credit card and no shoes on.

You can sign up for a FREE 5-day Recovery Elevator video course here.

Upcoming retreats:

Bozeman Retreat – August 14-18, 2019

Asia Adventure – January 20-31, 2020

You can find more information about these events here

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Connect with Cafe RE– Use the promo code OPPORTUNITY for your first month free

Sobriety Tracker iTunes

Sobriety Tracker Android

Sober Selfies! – Send your Sober Selfie and your Success Story to info@recoveryelevator.com

“Recovery Elevator – It all starts from the inside-out.”

RE 216: The Unfu*ck Yourself Movement

by Paul Churchill | Apr 8, 2019 | Podcast

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe to the Recovery Elevator Podcast Apple Podcasts | RSS | More

Libby, with 112 days of sobriety, shares her story.

Paul talks about a trend he noticed in the airport bookstore.  Amongst the ’20 best sellers’ there were several books with clear, unambiguous titles.  Our society is collectively starting to wake up and are looking for ways to unf*ck ourselves.  He says that all of these books, including the one he is currently writing, are not fulfilling a trend or a niche, but that it’s a movement.

https://newrepublic.com/article/153153/age-anxiety

Paul recently read an article titled the Age of Anxiety in the New Republic,

According to studies by the National Institute of Mental Health, nearly 20 percent of Americans experience an anxiety disorder in a given year; over 30 percent experience an anxiety disorder over the course of their lifetimes. And the rate is rising: The American Psychiatric Association, in a May study drawing from a survey of 1,000 American adults, diagnosed a statistically significant increase in national anxiety since 2017.

But listeners listen closely, there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you.  Never has been, never will be. This anxiety is a good thing. This collective state of unrest will eventually show us the way.

This jittery national mood has given rise to what Rebecca Jennings at Vox has dubbed “anxiety consumerism”—the rise of a plethora of products, from fidget spinners to essential-oil sprays, to weighted blankets.  Perhaps the most well-known product to fall into this anxiety consumerism category is alcohol.

Those who struggle with addiction are the trailblazers in the collective unf*ck yourself movement. Not just for those who grapple with addiction to alcohol, but for everyone.

SHOW NOTES

[7:15] Libby how long have you been sober?   

She has been sober since October 23, 2018, giving her 112 days of sobriety.

[7:40] In these last 112 days what is the biggest challenge you’ve encountered? 

She says that the cravings and the obsession to drink in the first couple months was definitely the toughest time.

[9:00] Paul Introduces Libby.

Libby is 32 years old and lives in Louisville, Kentucky.  She is an interior designer and is currently waiting tables at night.  She has been married for 5 years, has no kids, has a dog named Boomerang, and a cat named Brice.  For fun she works out, does crafts, is decorating her house, and enjoys hiking when the weather is nice.

[11:05] Give us a little background about your drinking. 

Libby had her first drink at 15 and throughout high school she drank on the weekends.  By early 20s she was drinking daily, but still highly functional, holding two jobs.  She was coasting by until 2017 when she got fired from a job.  Libby says this is when her drinking ‘got wheels’.

[12:30] What led you to seeking out alcohol to alleviate the pain?

She was fired suddenly, in a hateful way, and she had never gone through anything like that.  She was devastated and started drinking all day.  After a couple of weeks, she was experiencing morning tremors, or shakes, which she had never experienced before.  By the end of 2017 she was drinking in the mornings just to function.  During this time, she tried out AA a couple times and decided she just wasn’t ready.

[14:50] What was it like when you went to the AA meeting?

Before going into her first AA meeting Libby had the shakes so bad that she had to have a shot of alcohol.  She didn’t really have any intention to stop drinking, she just wanted control over it.  She wanted to stop drinking during the day and get control of her life again and just be a functional drinker.  Fast forward to 2018 and she had managed to cut back on her drinking, only drinking at night.  That lasted a couple months.  In April 2018 she found herself drunk at work and went home and told her husband that she needed to get into a treatment program, that drinking had taken control again.

The next day, after drinking, she tried to get into an inpatient treatment program.  The first place turned her away because they didn’t take her insurance, the second place allowed her to stay for 3 days for ‘medical detox’ and then released her due to her insurance as well.  After being dry for 3 days she thought she had things under control, but she picked up right where she left off.

[21:40] Take us through the next steps in your journey.

Not having a day job Libby was able to drink all day.  After about 2 weeks her husband, tired of coming home and finding her drunk on the couch, packed his bags and left.  He called her best friend and told her that Libby was in trouble, but that he didn’t know how to help her.  Her best friend made some phone calls and found a free center, The Healing Place, that would take Libby.  She stayed there for 4 days while she detoxed and went home.  Back at home she stayed sober for 11 days and then again was right back to where she left off.  After showing up at work drunk and hitting what Libby calls her first bottom, she went back to The Healing Place and stayed for 30 days.

[26:35] Take us from when you got out after your 30 days up to your sobriety date. 

After about 74 days of sobriety, meeting with her sponsor and going to 3 AA meetings a day Libby found herself at the liquor store buying a bottle without giving it any thought.  Looking at this as a ‘slip’ she got right back on the wagon and back to her meetings.  Sober for another 46 days she then relapsed, drinking for 6 days straight.  This was her 2nd bottom, this binder ended on October 22, 2018 and she has been sober ever since.

[28:40] How do you look at those ‘relapses’?    

As lessons, she learned that they start in her head first.  Now when her thoughts start going in that direction, she recognizes it and has a new method to deal with it.

[33:15] Why do you think you drank?

She said that in the beginning it was just because she enjoyed it.  During her 20s she had a lot of trauma and it helped her feel better.  Drinking became a habit, then she physically depended on it.

[34:40] Paul and Libby discuss what steps she can take to protect her sobriety while her husband continues to drink. 

[40:55] I’ve seen where sobriety thing is contagious, what are your thoughts on that?

Libby agrees, attraction rather than promotion.

[42:50] What have you learned about yourself in this journey?

She has learned she is a lot stronger than she thought she was.

[43:30] Rapid Fire Round

1. What was your absolute worst memory from drinking?

Libby describes her last couple days of drinking.

2. What is your plan in sobriety moving forward?

I am going to continue working the AA program and working with my sponsor and I want to eventually help other people stay sober.

3. In regards to sobriety what’s the best advice you’ve ever received?

Don’t believe the lies.

4. What parting piece of guidance can you give to listeners?

Give AA a shot.

5. You might be an alcoholic if…

You drink mouthwash in the morning to try and get rid of the shakes before work.

A pint of beer takes 15 minutes off your life

https://www.ksbw.com/article/wine-beer-early-death-extra-glass/26532630

For someone in their 40’s every glass of alcohol above the suggested weekly threshold of 5 shortens their life by 15 minutes. Alcohol is shit.

Upcoming retreats:

Bozeman Retreat – August 14-18, 2019

Asia Adventure – January 20-31, 2020

You can find more information about these events here

Resources mentioned in this episode:

This episode is brought to you in support by Robinhood. Right now, Robinhood is giving my listeners free stock such as Apple, Ford or Sprint to help build your portfolio. Signup at elevator.robinhood.com

Connect with Cafe RE– Use the promo code OPPORTUNITY for your first month free

Sobriety Tracker iTunes

Sobriety Tracker Android

Sober Selfies! – Send your Sober Selfie and your Success Story to info@recoveryelevator.com

“Recovery Elevator – It all starts from the inside-out.”