by Paul Churchill | Feb 6, 2017 | Podcast
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Shane with 3 days since his last drink, shares his story…..
Paul starts the show off by listing his reasons for quitting drinking:
- I wake up eager to start the day
- I’m not lying to myself anymore
- Because It’s a progressive disease and I know the pain and misery that awaits
- I do not have a beer gut anymore
- THIQ was being deposited into my brain after every binge drinking episode which made it harder and harder to stop
- I do not want to get dumber. I want to get smarter.
- Most alcohol tastes like moldy tootsie rolls
- I was sick of telling myself “One day we are going to ________”
- Alcohol is one of the most dangerous drugs in the world and it kills more people than any other drug combined
- I was failing as a dog owner… big time
- I do not wonder if I have Alzheimer’s anymore
- Because alcohol is shit, total and complete shit
- Money is neat, and I have a lot more of it now
- I do not black out anymore, I’m only on this planet once and I don’t want to miss a thing
- I haven’t had a serious physical injury since stopping drinking. That would be a torn hip flexor doing Limbo in 2012. No joke
- No more black eyes
- Sometimes I feel “High on Life”
- A diet based on calories from alcohol doesn’t work. I’ve tried it
- I put an Altoids in my mouth because I like the taste, not to mask the vodka on my breath
- No more cavities – In those blackouts, brushing my teeth wasn’t a priority for some reason
- My face no longer looks like a swollen pumpkin
- I quit because one day I would like to share my life with a very special person. Slim to no chance of that happening before
- My standard poodle Ben looked at me to go play on a beautiful summer day in 2014 and I was drunk in bed at 3pm on a sunny afternoon. Those eyes broke my heart. Ben, I am so sorry
- Alcohol was my best friend and it turned on me
- I couldn’t stop drinking once I started
- I found I needed more and more alcohol to obtain the same effect
- I quit drinking because I heard the Brave Heart soundtrack for 3 weeks straight – When it wasn’t playing, it was in my head
- I wasn’t free
- Alcohol determined where I worked, who I hung out with, when I went to bed and when I woke up
- Music didn’t look like much of anything
- I want to look at myself in the mirror in the morning and say “Hey, I know that guy!”
- I do not want to go to rehab, but if I do, I’m going to Thailand
- I want to stop living a life of life or death. I would probably commit suicide within 5 years and I’m not really living.
- It’s been 8 years since I got a black eye at a bar… by a girl
- Girls like me now-well more than when I was talking to them cross eyed and blacked out
- I was sick and tired of being sick and tired
- My body doesn’t randomly ache anymore
- My right elbow hurt when I swam for about 7 years. Not anymore
- I can now run a 7:30 mile – three of them in a row actually
- I do not want a DUI… okay another one
- Alcohol is shit. Did I mention that already?
- I saw Guns and Roses in Bolivia and remembered it. I saw 311 at Red Rocks and do not remember any of it. I’d like to remember concerts in the future.
- I wanted to stop blaming others for my problems
- Ulcers are painful, and I’ve got a several ulcers due to a compromised immune system
- I do not want to go to jail… okay go to jail again
- Shovels give me blisters, so I decided to quit digging… See what I did there?
- I’m AHDH and being in the moment is something I struggle with, now I’ve got a shot
- My parents just retired and I can fully be there for their golden years
- Alcohol wasn’t cheap. Per the Recovery Elevator tracker app I’ve saved $11,867
- I’ve learned to get to it, you need to go through it. Today, I feel uncomfortable feelings at face value and lean into them instead of jam them into a box only to have them explode and an inopportune moment, like my best friends bachelor party
- My stomach hurt from laughing 4 times 2016; from 2007-20014 that number was zero
- This is going to sound lame but it’s the truth. At about 6 months without a drink, the childhood feeling that I can do anything I put my mind to had returned… and is still here… watch out stigma
- I don’t want to kill myself anymore. That’s pretty cool eh?
- I watch my favorite episodes on TV instead of being the lead actor in the drunken episodes
- I can play 4 Third Eye Blind Songs on the Guitar. Okay, 3.5
- Stars. Holy shit. Have they always been there and so bright?
- It is liberating to not need a mind altering substance at social functions
- Depression and anxiety are unpleasant feelings. They still lurk around at times, but not for nearly as long nor as thick
- Turns out I do not suck at kickball or dodgeball. I was too drunk to kick or dodge the ball
- Being a business owner overseeing a staff of 22 is easier without a splitting headache
- In sobriety, I’m learning that that guy Bob was on to something and everything is gonna be alright – Hey Mon!
- Problems pertaining to money have pretty much dissolved
- Anxiety = 98% better now
- Shirley Temples, I have rediscovered, are the best drink known to mankind
- The people that I surround myself with are my true friends, not drinking friends
- Binge drinking in airport stalls and then throwing up in the boarding line was miserable.
- I want to enjoy 100% of my vacations, instead of around 30-40%
- I still get depressed, but no longer than a couple days. Before, it would be for weeks/months.
- Because today is the best chance I have at staying sober.
SHOW NOTES
[ 8:58 ] Paul Introduces Shane. When was your last drink?
Shane – My last drink was on Christmas day (which was 3 days ago at the time of this interview). These past 3 days have been tough. I’ve been doing a lot of sweating.
[ 11:00 ] When did you first realize that you had a problem?
Shane – I received my first DWI when I was 18. That was my first time in jail and it was horrible. When I first starting drinking I thought I had found my soul mate.
[ 13:08 ] Tell us a little about yourself.
Shane – I am 32 years old and from California. I like to play tennis, golf and travel. I like to do anything outdoors. Booze took away the fun I used to have in these activities.
[ 14:26 ] Did you ever try to put rules in place in order to control your drinking?
Shane – You name the rule and I have tried it! I tried to limit myself to specific types of alcohol but would always forget the rule once I started drinking. The best rule you should remember is to just not drink.
[ 17:50 ] What is so different now?
Shane – I did not chicken out when I thought of calling Paul. I try to live in the moment and stay busy. I also try not think too far into the future.
[ 19:45 ] What was your bottom?
Shane – 1 bottom was that I was mentally draining my family constantly. Other bottoms were all of the 4 times I ended up in jail. I was basically blacking out my entire life. Alcohol made me feel like I was going crazy.
[ 24:40 ] You have mentioned a few times how bad going to jail was. Whose fault was it that jail was so bad?
Shane – It was my fault that I had ended up in there. But the guards were really harsh. The other inmates were fine
[ 25:40 ] What have you lost to alcohol?
Shane – I’ve lost many days of my life and plenty of girlfriends
[ 26:40 ] What happened this past Christmas day that made you want to stop drinking?
Shane – I’ve wanted to stop drinking for years. It had just become too exhausting to continue
[ 28:50 ] How have you gotten 3 days so far?
Shane – Right now I do not feel like I am white knuckling it. I am not going to AA. I’ve had bad experiences with church in the past and AA has too much religion in it. Praying to a higher power does not work for me.
[ 31:53 ] Rapid Fire Round
- What’s your plan moving forward? Staying busy, listening to podcasts and U-Tube videos on recovery
- What was your worst memory from drinking? I was punched in the face by a girl
- What’s your favorite resource in recovery? The support of family and friends
- What’s the best advice you’ve ever received (on sobriety)? If you are comfortable than you are not growing, do not become stagnant water
- What parting piece of guidance can you give listeners who are in recovery or thinking about quitting drinking? Do not give up on yourself. Be true to yourself. There is hope.
- You might be an alcoholic if……. you wake up with pee in your pants and you are not sure if it’s yours!
Resources mentioned in this episode:
www.alcoholmastery.com (by Kevin O’Hara)
Recovery Elevator Retreat
Connect with Cafe RE– Use the promo code Elevator for your first month free
Sobriety Tracker iTunes
Sobriety Tracker Android
Sober Selfies! – Send your Sober Selfie and your Success Story to info@recoveryelevator.com
“We took the elevator down, we gotta take the stairs back up, we can do this!”
by Paul Churchill | Jan 20, 2017 | Blog, Early Sobriety, Helpful Tips, The first Year
I was in my first 72 hours of sobriety when Paul threw out the stat that only 5 percent of those who want to get sober will make it to 90 days. Of those 5 percent, only 5 percent will make it to 2 years without drinking alcohol. Let’s see… Okay, for every 1000 people who desire to get sober, 2.5 of them will be sober in two years. I’m not shaking anymore, but the acute effects of withdrawal have not left. My mind is in a fog, my skin has pinpricks running throughout, and I have not strung together more than a few hours of sleep in three days. By the time I hear this depressing stat, I realize that the easy fix to my discomfort would be to have a few drinks… and apparently, 1,997.5 people wouldn’t blame me. I’m not getting to sleep anytime soon. Maybe I’ll just keep listening.
I think we all know that hyper-vigilant friend who attaches themselves to a cause. There is the one who can string together why shopping at Wal-Mart is akin to feeding “The Corporate Antichrist”. They are loaded with information about the 6 Wal-Mart heirs making more money than the lowest 42 percent of the population combined. They’ll make a great case for corporation not paying living wages or providing decent healthcare and in turn, how our taxes subsidize government benefits, the services that could be provided by billionaires. If that didn’t get you, they’ll pepper you with the working conditions of the children in Polynesia so that you know the true cost of your three dollar Duck Dynasty tank top. They are not wrong. They have done their homework. In fact, you are persuaded to the point that you feel ashamed, stop shopping at Wal-Mart for a few days, and maybe even clumsily repeat the stats to a non-intellectual so as to stroke your newfound sense of self-righteousness. Problem is, within days those facts went fleeting. While appalled, you were not as committed as your friend. Your habits did not include the same degree of rigorous study, and in a moment of consumer relapse, you’re pulling once again to the parking lot ready to make an offering to the “Temple of Social Injustice”. You deny your first impulse to think it through. You certainly do not want to call your friend so he can feed you additional information. Let’s not ruin the day by feeling bad about making the easy choice. Besides, the sun is out and your guns are gonna look sweet in that tank top.
Yes, I am taking a dig at Wal-Mart. Pick any cause though… If we put the effort into learning about factory farming and the mistreatment of animals that are our food source, we would cringe and give pause to the effects of our consumption. Find out a few more facts about the mortality rates of the workers who assemble our smartphones and we are confronted with moral choices. The truth is, when it comes to these issues, we shop, consume, use, and abuse as a means to survive. We use the littlest amount of thought to procure the food, clothing, and technology to communicate. It is the basis for survival and we let the lizard portion of the brain do the thinking. Ease and value compete against taking a more difficult, long term approach that benefits everybody.
Now let’s be honest. How many of those inspirational, uncompromised, hyper-vigilant, cause oriented, intellectually sound, unwavering social renegades do we know? Not that many. Most of us slowly go the way of the buffalo which makes the impassioned moral minority pretty easy to spot. That minority friend, whatever their cause, is the rare bird that continually absorbs information, which in turn, informs their actions.
I was pretty discourage with that statistic that Paul relayed over my headset that night. I had no false sense that I was going to be in that minority of the first 5 percent, let alone in the second 5%. If I was involved in this human experiment called sobriety, there was no indicator from the last 10 years of alcohol abuse that I would succeed. I was all impulse and little intellect when it came to using alcohol.
I am close to 40 days sober. I have just gotten current with Recovery Elevator podcasts at episode 99. I started at Episode 00 and listened throughout the 40 days straight through. I am so thankful for the wealth of information and experiences that have been shared on the podcast. There is such a diverse amount of helpful experience in sobriety on the show. As I reflect on what might be the common source of success in everyone’s personal recovery program, it’s that the sober alcoholic is continually feeding the executive center of their brain. The AA attendant gets information and advice from a group share or a big book. The self-employed travels in a car with a podcast in the background. A mom finds a group to confide in and have a source reminder of a difficult past. Someone struggles with temptation, they get immediate advice from a Facebook Forum. In quiet times the recovering alcoholic finds books, websites and blogs. Information.
I do not have a rigid program for sobriety. My goals are to be 100% honest with my wife and accept her help, insight, and accountability. Second, it is to reprogram my doublemindedness with helpful and encouraging information daily. If the lizard portion of my brain is the quickest to respond and tell me that I need a drink to survive, I want the part of my brain that controls reason, behavior, and executive decision making to be full and ready to Giving Up Alcohol. I think it takes community and positive information.
At my core, I know who I am. I shop at Wal-Mart. I eat fast food. I own an IPhone. I am an alcoholic.
Ultimately, I want to be that annoying, hyper-vigilant friend when it comes to my alcoholism, but I now understand why so few will make it. The same impulse to eat, commune, and provide shelter the easiest way possible is the same impulse that beckons me to take that first drink. The difference today is, I understand that drinking is not a means for survival. It wants to destroy my future.
by Paul Churchill | Jan 16, 2017 | Podcast
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Tricia, with 30 days since her last drink, shares her story….
Congratulations Recovery Elevator on 100 episodes! How did we make it to 100 episodes? How else, but one episode (day) at a time.
Problem drinking that becomes severe is often given the medical term alcohol use disorder or AUD. Some interesting studies from the NESARC show that in 2012, 7.2% of the population surveyed had an alcohol use disorder (article found here: www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/alcohol-use-disorders.)
Europe also has an organization (the ECA) who conducts alcohol related surveys. They found that although people in Southern Europe drank larger amounts of alcohol, they were able to moderate their drinking. In comparison, there were more alcohol related fatalities in Northern Europe. Could this be because of binge drinking? Perhaps the folks from the South can drink 1-2 glasses of wine with their meal while people from the North are drinking larger quantities in one sitting? We will let the ECA draw that conclusion.
SHOW NOTES
[ 8:23 ] Paul Introduces Tricia who’s last drink was approximately 30 days ago
[ 9:00 ] When did you realize you had a problem?
Tricia – I knew I wasn’t a normal drinker even at the age of 23. I always knew that I would have to quit one day. I never drank just for the taste, it was always to get drunk. Once I started drinking, I could not stop.
[ 11:28 ] Did you ever put any rules in place in order to control your drinking?
Tricia – I tried switching to a drink that I did not like. This never worked and I would end up doing shots of something else. My fellow drinker friends thought this was a great idea! I was always into fitness and nutrition so I would make sure my daily caloric intake would allow for booze.
[ 15:41 ] Tell us about yourself?
Tricia – I am 35 year old chef who now owns her own business. I have always been a runner but also enjoy anything in the outdoors, such as skiing and snowboarding. I like to knit and cross stitch Gangsta Rap lyrics into items for friends. My only hobby before was drinking. I would work and drink. That was it.
[ 19:18 ] Did you have a bottom?
Tricia – I was a high functioning alcoholic. My bottom was very high. I would always pretend that I wasn’t drunk or that I didn’t have a hangover. My motto was, “I’ve Got This.” When I went on a 3 day binger, 30 days ago, I was so hung over that I could even fake it. I had to stay in bed all day. That was the first time I experienced the physical withdrawals of sweating, fever and shaking.
[ 22:15 ] How did you reach the conclusion that you did not have control over alcohol?
Tricia – My friends and I were going out one night and rented a party bus. I was terribly anxious for weeks up until this party. I was afraid I would drink too much and black out. The black outs were getting to be very common. I ended up drinking too much and woke up the next day with bruises all over my legs. I did not remember falling down but obviously it had happened.
[ 24:48 ] Did alcohol play a role in your divorce?
Tricia – there were many other factors but both my ex-husband and I drank. When we fought, we had usually both been drinking. I wasn’t supposed to be the drinker of the family. My brother was the center of attention since he had the alcohol/drug problem for years. I was the over achiever who still managed to get to work on time and function normally. Until I could no longer fake it.
[ 26:56 ] How did you get to day 1 without a drink?
Tricia – I had not planned on stopping drinking entirely. It basically snuck up on me. I had that terrible hangover and the physical withdraw symptoms so I called my brother who is now in recovery. He is very supportive. I went on-line and found the RE podcast and starting listening and hearing similar stories.
[ 30:28 ] What does a day in the life of Tricia look like?
Tricia – I started going to AA meetings. I ended up being late to my first AA meeting because I went to the wrong room. The security officer at the church shouted to everyone that the AA meeting was in the other room. Even though I was 10 minutes late for that meeting, I was really 10 years late in trying AA.
[ 34:51 ] Rapid Fire Round
- What was your worst memory from drinking? the blackouts and everything that I do not remember
- Did you ever have an “oh-shit” moment? trying to moderate and being fearful that I would over indulge and put myself in danger
- What’s your plan moving forward? Every morning I read the Big Book pp 86-88. I meditate on those pages. I am also reading a book by Tara Brock called Radical Acceptance.
- What’s your favorite resource in recovery? AA meetings and connecting with other alcoholics
- What’s the best advice you’ve ever received (on sobriety)? keep an open mind and forget everything you think you know. Do not try to do this alone.
- You might be an alcoholic if….
- you need alcohol to do simple tasks
- you put vodka in your water bottle to go to the gym
- you think you are an alcoholic
Paul ends the podcast with some questions for the listeners: What type of role does or did alcohol play in your life? Does alcohol dictate your life? Be honest with yourself.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Paul will be speaking at a “This is My Brave” even on 1/22/17. The event is at the Moss Theater @ 4pm. The address is 313 Olympic Blvd, Santa Monica, CA. Tickets can be found here: www.bfrb.org
Connect with Cafe RE– Use the promo code Elevator for your first month free
Sobriety Tracker iTunes
Sobriety Tracker Android
Sober Selfies! – Send your Sober Selfie and your Success Story to info@recoveryelevator.com
“We took the elevator down, we gotta take the stairs back up, we can do this!”
by Paul Churchill | Jan 12, 2017 | Alcohol Relapse, Blog, Early Sobriety, The Bottom, The First 30
Yesterday, I eclipsed my first thirty days of sobriety in over twelve years. I stopped drinking on December 5th, 2016 and have remained sober using close accountability and honesty with my wife and listening to 90 RE Podcasts in 30 days. The support, encouragement, and connection with you and your interviewees of this last 30 days have been an immeasurable reminder of the depths I have slipped to at times, but more importantly, the hope of a limitless future without the pull and dependence of alcohol.
Like many, I probably should have hit what others would have viewed as a “bottom” a long time ago.
I am 41 years old and began drinking at age 12. I had the normal occasional weekend parties of going out with friends, finding alcohol, and using in that fashion through high school. This was normal within our social structure and I never questioned alcohol as a problem. I most certainly would have never predicted alcoholism in my future, as I spent the next 10 years only having the occasional beer/s on Thanksgiving, Super Bowls, camping etc.…
After high school, in 1993, I married young at age 18, and alcohol simply did not follow me into the responsibilities of young adulthood. At age 18, I acquired a low end job at an affiliate of the University in my hometown that focused on biology research. I was soon entrusted with lab and research responsibilities that that included genetic research on Downs Syndrome, ALS, and The Human Genome Project. In a ten year stretch, non-college educated, I was an author on three pier reviewed research publications. Professionally, paralleling this at home, I was involved in our local church as a staff Youth Pastor and developing my own small commercial business in the evenings. I was busy.
My wife developed Lupus in her early twenties and her condition was chronic and fairly severe. We had a child when I was 25 and a lot of his care, Dad and Mom duties, were directed to me. Normal life stuff, but by age 28/29 in 2004/2005 I had a wife and child in a big house in an affluent Denver suburb. Multiple income streams, including a growing small business. Little to no drinking… holidays, birthdays, a 6-pack of beer could sit in my fridge for months.
What changed?
As we settled into our ideal home, in the ideal neighborhood, we really started connecting with our neighbors. Weekend drinking, sitting out in lawn chairs, listening to music, watching the kids play started to become the norm. I loved it. My “responsibility bank” was overdrawn and I absolutely loved getting to the end of the week and winding down with friends and neighbors.
In 2007, a handful of us went down to a bar fairly close to home. We were celebrating a friend’s promotion. We had a designated driver, but she began drinking. Me, being the “caretaker” of all things, business, church, family, and now friends, I elected myself to drive us home. This was my first DUI.
Following the legal gymnastics of getting through the DUI process, I did not feel like I had an alcohol problem. In the secrecy of like company, you find out that a lot of people get DUI’s. In fact, the same prominent person who received the promotion, of whom we were celebrating, pulled me aside the next day and told me that he had gotten a DUI, and if his company did not bury it in a drawer, he would not have gotten his promotion. Normal, everyday people got DUIs. The court systems feed off of the DUI revenue…etc.
With my commercial cleaning business thriving, and the difficulties of taking care of everything I was juggling (family, business, and legal). I chose to quit working for the University and stop my research career, something I absolutely loved. I began to realize that just being a small business owner, a janitor, was a tad less fulfilling and weekend drinking in the neighborhood started to bleed into the weekday nights.
In 2008/2009, my 16 year marriage had run its course. I say this somewhat casually, but it was so difficult. I know people would probably assume that drinking played a big role in this divorce, but I can honestly take inventory and say that it didn’t. My wife felt like she had missed out on her younger years, said she felt like she was “35 going on 25”, and wanted new, more youthful experiences. There was infidelity discovered. I was devastated. I am the classic co-dependent, who finds his value in taking care of everybody else, my wife, my clients, my son, and my friends. I was highly functional and admired by everyone, yet all my efforts felt meaningless when publicly your marriage, something you hold dear, is dissolving. It felt like a moral failing. My elevator was about to start go down quickly.
In 2009, I had majority custody of my 8 year old son. My business, consisting of mostly evening work had to be fully staffed, so that I could be home with my son. I dialed everything in responsibility wise to maintain our home, business, and parenting. I had a lot of free time combined with a lot of self-pity. Woe is me, the guy who cares about everyone else, but just gets shit on. My night drinking bled into morning drinking to take the edge off a hangover and by the end of 2010 I was medicating day and night with alcohol just to feel normal. At the end of December 30th of 2010, I had wrapped up the end of month/year accounting for my business and I was going to celebrate at a bar in town. This was “going out” for me, and a rare occurrence. I did my drinking at home.
By the end of this evening, I knew I was too drunk to drive home. I called my cousin to see if she could pick me up. She came into the bar and, not to my knowledge, was already under the influence. I know she had a few more drinks at the bar, but she was my ride home and my only concern was that I was not putting myself in the situation of getting a DUI. Simply, on the way home, my cousin missed a turn and drove us into large rock barrier. I was transported by ambulance with a broken hip, femur, nose, 3 fingers, and torn ligaments in my neck. Hours later at the hospital my BAC was .36. I get it. This was supposed to be my bottom. Your friends and family standing over you in the hospital, your secret is out. Might as well admit you have a problem? My problem, as I saw it, were my first thoughts when I woke up in that trauma unit. “Shit, I’m still here?” I didn’t care if I did or did not have a problem. This is how I was going to get through the pains of life and other people and circumstances did not get to determine how I was going to live it. I was about to undergo serious physical rehabilitation and alcohol was going to help.
It didn’t. In the spring of 2011, just a few months later, I received my second DUI. I was going to pick up my son from school.
So, I know this was supposed to be “my bottom”, but I’d like to make an observation that I have not encountered on any of the Recovery Elevator Podcasts:
When you get a DUI, it can exacerbate drinking. The shame, the anxiety of an uncertain future / jail time, the stigma, the logistics of not driving, the piss tests, court ordered classes, forced AA, community service… Your whole world revolves around fixing this mistake and that mistake is ever-present before you. Second, and we all know this now, no one can make this decision to “How Can I Stop Drinking Alcohol” for you. So, at every turn, within the DUI process the authorities telling you not to do something, you are going to be obstinate. Forced quitting is counter opposed to an alcoholic’s pride.
I am thankful for the second DUI in so many ways. It forced moderation and I needed that, but I was an adult. I take care of my son, my bills, and my clients. I am functioning on a high level, and in a sick way, I liked the obstacles of the court system… I used to juggle so much more… I can juggle this too.
On July 4th of that same year, one day before I was to have my driving privileges revoked, I met my current wife at a 4th of July BBQ. I hesitated in giving her my phone number because I knew the journey I was about to undergo with all of the legal difficulties and lack of driving. I was embarrassed and ashamed and was content with putting my head in the sand and getting through it. That said, she called a week later, and I was transparent about what I was up against. We went through it together. We were married that following 4th of July, 2012. In many ways, I was able to hit the reset button. Legal problems aside, I looked like a normal drinker again, only because the court requirements, random tests, and eventually car breathalyzer demanded it. You probably know where this is going, but the further I got away from the legal restrictions, the more opportunities I/(now we) had to indulge in drinking more. –ISM (incredibly short memory) Ugh.
The drinking from 2013 – 2016 followed so many predictable patterns that I hear about on your show. We’d make rules and then break them. Only drinking on the weekends… broken. Only spending so much money a week on alcohol… broken. Only drinking at normal social events or holidays… broken. Geographical change (we moved up to a small mountain community) where we could reduce stress, business demands and of course, drink less… nope.
The best part of my story, is that I think I get to be a “high bottom”. It suits my pride to think so.
December 5th, for the most part, is my first attempt to quit drinking. Even with all of the difficulties described above, I never really had an interest in giving alcohol up. This is who I was, it was part of me and I would take the good with the bad.
My “Ah ha!” moment hit me at the end of July in 2016. My wife’s daughter had severe, multiple strokes from complications due to a car accident. I don’t know what it was, but it was the first time in my 40 years that I’d seen someone suffer like that. She was covered in more machines and apparatuses than you could see of her body. She was on blood thinners so that blood could get to her brain. Subsequently, the blood seeped from her mouth and nose. The doctors gave her a 5% chance of making it through the night. She suffered. The people around her suffered watching, especially her Mom.
I guess I had a lot of sober think time over those initial days, combined with an undoubtedly “Higher Power” experience in the hospital. The takeaway was that I could not imagine purposely putting myself in that situation where other people were standing around me. Watching me suffer from the effects of alcoholism and me, in turn, knowing that I had let the people down who loved me the most … especially, for something I should be able to control.
For the first time above all the other reasons that I should have quit earlier, this preview into my future was my moment. I had a conversation with my wife on the grass of the hospital about the way I was feeling, my drinking, how I wanted to have a better and healthier life. How I didn’t want alcohol to be the end of our story. My wife’s daughter recovered with all of the painstaking aftercare that went along with it.
Drinking was cut back considerably in the fall of 2016, but I have to be honest, the mental obsession with when, where, how much… etc. were all there. If there was an event approaching the drinking would start early and end late… I mean days late, you know?
On Sunday, December 4th I had my last drink. No fireworks, no DUIs, no drunken outburst, just a 3 day fog of drinking coming to the end and an honest understanding that I am unable to control alcohol.
Monday, December 5th, I talked to my wife about alcohol and the extent to which my brain was broke. I was not fearful of her lack of understanding or support, just fearful of being the guy who can accomplish anything, but just can’t seem to accomplish finding the breaks once I start drinking.
Again, thank you Paul. I curled up those first 24 hours sick and ashamed. I searched for Podcasts and found RE. I listened to 5 or 6 to get me through the day, and 90 episodes over the last 30 days. You have no doubt been in peoples ears while they tremor. Your interviewees have encouraged someone when skin was like a pincushion and sleep was nowhere to be found. Your voice landed tips in the right moments at the right times during the holidays. For people who cannot get to meetings, you have brought the meetings to them.
Many Blessings to you and the RE team for 2017. “We can do this.”
– Jeff
by Paul Churchill | Jan 12, 2017 | Alcohol Relapse, Blog, Early Sobriety, The Bottom
First, I want to say thanks for the podcast. It’s been a huge help on my road to recovery – it’s been 53 days! I’ve been listening to RE since I decided to get sober and only felt compelled to write you after listening to the last episode about cognitive dissonance because it really hit home for me.
My journey has been somewhat interesting (as is everyone’s I’m sure). To start, I’m 29, I live in Weehawken, NJ and commute into Manhattan for work everyday. I live with my girlfriend of two years and our awesome Pomsky puppy named Mylo.
I started drinking when I was about 13, casually stealing beers, wine coolers or whatever I can get my hands on, and started binge drinking around 15. The progression was somewhat slow, but the writing was definitely on the wall – even at a young age. For all intents and purposes I had a great childhood. Loving family, great friends, great high school experience – things were good. I loved sports – especially golf – and played religiously. This allowed me to earn a Division 1 scholarship to Seton Hall University in NJ.
My freshman year of college was unique I’d say. One of my teammates recognized himself as a born again Christian and I grew close to him. I’ve always had a strong faith in God and the question of “why are we here?” is something that burns in me everyday – probably more than most – which has definitely been a driver of my drug and alcohol use. I was attending bible study with other athletes, going to church regularly, reading St. Thomas Aquinas and Augustine in the library on Friday nights, and made the decision to not got drunk anymore – which is an interesting and tough choice for a college freshman. That lasted the entire year until my one teammate from England was graduating and heading back home. I got drunk that night and it was off to the races.
The next 3 years of college consisted of heavy drinking, blacking out, waking up and doing it all over again. Since I hung out with athletes we got access to painkillers on a regular basis so I’d dabble with them every once and awhile and occasionally smoke some weed, but nothing too serious because we got drug tested. I lost interest in golf and built this persona for myself around my group of friends – life of the party. And I liked it and fed into it. At this time, thoughts of being an alcoholic would creep into my mind, but I quickly made them disappear. “I have a 3.7 GPA, I’m a Division 1 college athlete, I never get in trouble, I’m not hurting anyone. Everything’s fine!” – I’d tell myself.
Once I graduated, I had plans to backpack across Europe with one of my teammates. It was 2010 and the job market kind of sucked, and I was in no hurry to go sit behind a desk. Him and I decided to caddy all summer, save up and hit the road. On my second day, I caddied for a man who worked on Wall Street – he offered me a job a week later, and I took it. To this day, it’s one of my biggest regrets.
I fell into “Wall Street life”, and I fell hard. I was 22 at the time. It didn’t take long before cocaine became my drug of choice, and it went hand in hand with the liquor. I’d spend every dollar I made and live paycheck to paycheck just so I can party as much as possible. 4-5 nights a week I was out, but I was young and living the life (so I thought). The cocaine slowly led into pretty much whatever I can get my hands on (Molly, pills, K, whatever). Anything to take me out of reality and into some other stratosphere. I’d ride that high into oblivion – whatever it took. My friends started to slow down and I just hit the gas harder. I switched jobs 4 times during the last 7 years… constantly searching for some change or something to make a difference. Little did I know that it was ME that was the issue.
Things really got out of hand during the summer when I was 27 years old. Looking back, I’m just happy I came out of it alive. I got deep into gambling, won A LOT of money and then lost A LOT of money, didn’t go to work for days at a time, took a trip to Vegas, and it finally culminated with me getting arrested outside of a nightclub in NYC for possession of cocaine. I spent the night in central booking. A fitting end I suppose – since I was simply playing Russian roulette every time I went out. My family found out and led somewhat of an intervention. I decided to go see a therapist and a few months later I met my wonderful girlfriend who filled a huge void in my life. I never had any meaningful relationships. I was guarded, walled off. I’d go from girl to girl never getting close enough to get hurt.
However, all of this was still not enough to quit. I continued to drink and use, however, the incidents grew farther and farther apart, but when I’d go off the rails it would wreak havoc on my life. Finally, on November 12, I had enough. I went out for lunch Friday afternoon (the 11th) and came home the next day at 8am. I missed my niece’s baptism class, my girlfriend and my dog were gone when I got home, and I just sat on my bed and cried. I finally couldn’t take it anymore.
As I go through my journey, I’m trying to understand my addiction and how/why I ended up here. While I definitely believe there are some genetic factors (my aunt is 10 years sober and my grandfather was an alcoholic) I firmly believe it has a lot to do with emotional connection. While I had a ton of friends my whole life and was always around people – I felt completely alone. My first girlfriend cheated on me at a young age, my great-grandmother died when I was 20, my grandfather committed suicide when I was 23, my uncle died unexpectedly when I was 25, and my Dad suddenly passed away this August. As each event happened, I walled myself off as much as humanely possible. If I never felt vulnerable then I can never get hurt. I’m realizing now that the secrets, the hiding, the lack of vulnerability, the inability to show any emotion, and my thoughts on working/life have been a very significant driver in my drug and alcohol use – along with the genetic dispositions of course.
Addiction is complicated for sure, but I also find it fascinating. I’m excited about being sober and present for the first time in 15 years. I’m currently going to individual therapy, attending a 12 week outpatient program, attending AA, reading, listening to RE and Sober Guy podcast and learning/talking to other sober people as much as possible. Don’t get me wrong – it hasn’t been easy, but I’ve finally let go and told my family, girlfriend, and friends my history and it feels like a million pound boulder has been lifted off of me. I’ve got a great support system around me, and I’m grateful for that.
Sorry if this was long! Haha – it’s actually been quite therapeutic. It’s the first time I’ve written all this down. Once again, thanks for what you’re doing. It’s changing lives.
-James
