RE 544: Trying to Control an Uncontrollable Thing

RE 544: Trying to Control an Uncontrollable Thing

Today we have Thea. She is 55 years old from Madison, WI and took her last drink on February 10th, 2019

 

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We have just a couple of cabin spots left for our upcoming retreat in Bozeman, Montana. This retreat is from August 6th through 10th.

 

Coming in January 2026, our AF Ukelele Course. Registration for that opens in December.

 

Also coming next year in October 2026, we will have an in-person ukelele retreat where we’re having Spanish instruction in the afternoons. This will be in Costa Rica. More information will be coming soon about that event.

 

[02:45] Thoughts from Paul:

 

On the journey into an alcohol-free life, it almost always consists of a chapter where we are trying to control the uncontrollable. But something takes place that we aren’t aware of and that’s that alcohol has become uncontrollable – and we haven’t realized it yet.

 

You might be asking yourself if your drinking has reached that point and may have searched for a sobriety podcast because there were aspects of your drinking that you were unable to control. The longer you try to control the uncontrollable, the less sanity you are left with.

 

Paul wants you to ask yourself if you are trying to control the uncontrollable thing. He and many of us have learned that we cannot control our drinking, but the opportunities are endless in what we CAN do without alcohol in our lives, the same can be true for you.

 

[07:06] Paul introduces Thea:

 

Thea is 55 years old, grew up in a small town in Wisconsin but now lives in Madison with her husband of almost 30 years, and they have three grown boys. Thea works in education. She loves to cook, bake, read, and attend sporting events.

 

Thea says she drank a little in high school, but it wasn’t out of control. After going to college where the culture involved binge drinking, Thea drank more. Being someone that didn’t suffer from hangovers, she never looked at her drinking as a problem.

 

Thea met her husband after college when they married and had three kids. She says she would binge drink occasionally, but not enough to create red flags and her husband can take it or leave it. Thea says she didn’t drink during her pregnancies or drink every night, but as her kids got older and needed her less, she fell into the habit of drinking more.

 

Thea would drink socially but preferred to drink covertly at home where she could have as much as she wanted. Over time she began to feel like she needed the alcohol to function and was becoming physically addicted to it.

 

A few years later, some family members had an intervention with Thea. The message she took away was that she needed to hide her drinking better in the future. The following summer, Thea’s sister-in-law called her out on her drinking again, and they went to the ER. It was recommended that she go to a detox center which Thea refused to do. She opted to detox on her own, which is not recommended. After doing that, she enrolled in an IOP but was just going through the motions to try and become a normal drinker again – she had no intention of quitting.

 

Thea feels she was getting nudges from God to address the issue. It wasn’t until February 10th, 2019, that the message finally got through. Thea was very sick and throwing up blood. She was in and out of the hospital dealing with the symptoms of her failing liver. Thea feels that something finally clicked, and she has not wanted to have a drink since that first day when she went to the hospital.

 

After two years sober, Thea started listening to podcasts and reading quit lit. She eventually found her way back to AA and it feels like home this time. Thea is very open about her recovery with her family and is grateful they never gave up on her.

 

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RE 543: Alchemize Your Apocalypse

RE 543: Alchemize Your Apocalypse

Today we have Ronnie. He is 41 years old from Kiowa, CO and took his last drink on June 1st, 2025.

 

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[03:17] Thoughts from Paul:

 

From the cavemen to the ancient Greeks, to modern humans, there’s always an apocalypse on the horizon. The apocalypse outside of us, we can’t control and there has never not been one. The only apocalypse you can control is the one caused by alcohol which is happening inside of you.

 

Paul reminds us that no matter how fearful the news programs and the politicians want you to be, we’ve never not had an external apocalypse looming and geological record will tell you the same.

 

Disconnect from all of the news and connect to yourself, others, nature, a ripe mango, a snuggle with a dog because you know what? We’re okay. Get yourself some time away from alcohol and you’re going to be very much okay.

 

[07:54] Paul introduces Ronnie:

 

Ronnie is 41 years old, lives in Kiowa, CO with his wife and four children. Ronnie works as a home inspector. For fun, Ronnie enjoys spending time with his kids and spending time outside. His family has 40 acres and a variety of animals which his children show with 4-H.

 

Ronnie began drinking when he was 17 after discovering that alcohol was a magical elixir that suppressed his inhibitions and insecurities. By the time Ronnie was in college, he was partying regularly. After a few semesters, he had failed out of school, moved back home and began working in construction.

 

After some time, Ronnie moved to Colorado and began working for a faith-based non-profit organization in addition to being a home inspector on the side. Drinking was something they did not allow their staff to do. This enabled Ronnie to remain mostly sober during that time, only drinking when he was around friends back home.

 

Ronnie and his wife married in 2011 and moved to Portland, Oregon. He grew accustomed to the culture of going out for cups of coffee, but when they returned to Colorado Ronnie saw that the culture there was going out for beers. This began alcohol creeping back into his life slowly.

 

When COVID happened, his job with the non-profit ended and Ronnie was home inspecting full time. Ronnie says they lost two and a half streams of income, and it left him depressed and having trouble with night terrors. He started using alcohol to help him sleep. It turned into daily drinking which led Ronnie to start exploring whether or not he had an issue. In the process, he discovered the RE podcast.

 

Around this time, Ronnie began to try moderation. He was using a sobriety tracker and said he reset it over 20 times before he was able to get a week. After he was able to stay sober for three weeks, he thought he had it under control but before long was back to drinking daily.

 

On that night of what ended up being Ronnie’s last drink, he awoke to his heart racing and massive anxiety. He told his wife that he thought he had a problem which she said she knew, and instead of being judgmental, she asked what she could do to help. The next day Ronnie learned that his wife had contacted some friends that had dealt with addictions, and they were all ready to help.

 

Within the first day, Ronnie threw out all of the alcohol in the home. This opened up the conversation with his kids about addictions and healthy ways of coping with emotions. Over the last 12 days, Ronnie has seen his sleep improved. He has realized that alcohol no longer has a place in his or his family’s life.

 

Ronnie says that every time he tells someone about his addiction, a weight lifts. This motivates him to keep going. He is finding healthy ways to deal with stress and sleep. Exercise, meditation, audiobooks and listening to the RE podcast have been helpful to him on this journey.

 

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Managing Expectations in Sobriety

Managing Expectations in Sobriety

Managing Expectations in Sobriety: A Deep Dive from Recovery Elevator Episode 438

Managing expectations in sobriety is one of the most important skills to develop in early recovery. In fact, our expectations…of ourselves, others, and how we think life should look without alcohol…can greatly influence our emotional stability and long-term success. In Recovery Elevator Podcast Episode 438, host Paul Churchill explores how expectations can lead to discomfort, disappointment, and even relapse…and how learning to release them can create peace, clarity, and joy.

If you’re on a path of healing, managing expectations in sobriety can be a game-changer. This blog explores Paul’s insights and how lowering expectations can reduce stress, support emotional stability, and help you thrive in your alcohol-free life.


💭 Why Managing Expectations in Sobriety Matters

As Paul says in the episode:

“Less expectations = less drinking. More expectations = more drinking.”

We don’t always realize it, but many of us come into recovery with a long list of expectations…how we think things should look. We expect to feel better immediately, we expect others to cheer us on, and we expect the process to be linear.

But as anyone who’s made it past Day 1 knows…sobriety is rarely a straight path.

Managing expectations in sobriety doesn’t mean lowering your standards or giving up on goals. It means softening your grip on how things unfold and allowing room for imperfection, discomfort, and growth.


📺 How Unrealistic Expectations Can Derail Sobriety

Since birth, we’ve been conditioned to expect comfort and pleasure. Advertisements, social media, TV…they all tell us that happiness is the default and discomfort is a problem to fix, usually with a product, pill, or drink.

But here’s the truth Paul drops:

“This pedagogy is f***ed, because it’s not even close to how the real world works.”

The idea that we should always be happy is not only false…it’s toxic in recovery. Expecting happiness 24/7 is like expecting a sunny sky every day of the year. It’s simply not how life works.

Sobriety teaches us to embrace all of our feelings, not just the pleasant ones.


📚 A Personal Story About Managing Expectations in Sobriety

In the episode, Paul shares a moment where he decided to sit down and read a book in the middle of the afternoon. Within minutes, his inner critic chimed in:

“Yo, yo, what are you doing Paul? Nope. Get up and stain the fence.”

That voice…that guilt-ridden drive to “be productive”…came from deeply rooted expectations he inherited from watching his dad work nonstop. Paul recognized this and decided to stay put, choosing rest over hustle. The book? The Myth of Normal by Dr. Gabor Maté, a powerful read about how we disconnect from ourselves to meet society’s standards.

This story is a reminder that managing expectations in sobriety also means letting go of what we think we should be doing and embracing the moment we’re in.


🔁 Awareness Is Key to Managing Expectations in Sobriety

One of the most important takeaways from Episode 438 is this:

“You can’t force yourself to stop expecting things. All you can do is become aware you’re doing it.”

That awareness is powerful. When we realize we’re expecting something that isn’t happening…whether it’s from ourselves, a partner, or the universe…we can pause, take a breath, and let go.

Over time, this awareness reduces suffering. We begin to accept life as it is, not as we think it should be.


🌈 Let Go of the Outcome to Stay Grounded in Sobriety

When we lower or release expectations, we increase our capacity for peace. This doesn’t mean we stop caring or stop striving…it means we release our need to control how things unfold.

As Paul puts it:

“So much of this journey is deconditioning, deconstructing, and uncoupling…at the neural level.”

This deconditioning is what makes recovery so transformative. We stop chasing a version of life someone else told us we should want, and start living a life that feels true to us.


⚠️ How Managing Expectations Supports Gratitude in Recovery

Expectations are future-focused. They say, “I’ll be happy when…” Gratitude, on the other hand, is rooted in the present. It says, “I’m thankful for this now.”

When we’re trapped in expectation, we miss what’s good right in front of us. By managing expectations in sobriety, we create space for appreciation…of the small wins, the quiet moments, the steady breath of an alcohol-free life.

As Paul shares:

“Expectations are future resentments on a slow boil.”


🧠 Practical Tips for Managing Expectations in Sobriety

Here are a few more gems from Episode 438:

  • “Expectations in the self are major limitations.”

  • “Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours.” – Richard Bach

  • “Expecting happiness 24/7 is like trying to bring back Screech for another season of Saved by the Bell. Not happening.”


💡 How to Start Managing Expectations in Sobriety

Here are a few practical steps to take from this episode:

  • Notice when you’re feeling disappointed…what expectation wasn’t met?
  • Ask yourself: Did I expect something from myself or someone else that they couldn’t give?
  • Shift from expecting to accepting. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable.
  • Stay grounded in the present moment. Practice gratitude.
  • Keep your recovery toolbox close: meditation, journaling, sobriety podcasts, community.
  • Reflect daily on how managing expectations in sobriety is shaping your mindset and choices.

🔗 Related Reading & Listening


🙏 Final Thoughts on Managing Expectations in Sobriety

Managing expectations in sobriety isn’t about giving up or settling…it’s about making space for what’s real. It’s about removing the invisible yardstick we constantly measure ourselves against, and learning to live life on life’s terms.

As you move forward in your recovery, may you find peace in the present, joy in small moments, and the strength to let go of what you thought it would look like.  Practicing managing expectations in sobriety helps us let go of rigid beliefs and embrace a more balanced, resilient life.

RE 534: Alcohol and Sleep

RE 534: Alcohol and Sleep

Today we have Ben. He is 45 years old from Liverpool, UK and had his last drink on September 26th, 2021.

 

Sponsors for this episode include:

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[02:01] Thoughts from Paul:

 

According to Stanford neuroscientist Andrew Huberman, all health, longevity, and your daily moods, along with your overall state of being, is tied to the quality of your sleep.

When you drink alcohol, the quality of your sleep drastically diminishes, leaving you in a state of disrepair the following day.

 

Paul shares many examples of how poor sleep affects our bodily functions and how drinking even small amounts of alcohol adds fuel to that fire.

 

When we remove alcohol and we begin entering deep sleep cycles again, all of these negative consequences of poor sleep start to disappear. It may not happen in one night but within time, trust the body and this function will return to normal.

 

[09:22] Paul introduces Ben:

 

Ben was a previous guest on Episode 364.

 

Ben started drinking when he was 14. It was tied into music and his social life. Alcohol and music helped him to escape the strife that he was having at school with bullies and being different than everyone else.

 

Drinking was a huge part of his rock and roll lifestyle. Drinking with bandmates while writing music, going out after practice and drinking after performances were all part of the landscape for Ben in his early 20s. This continued and progressed over the next decade.

 

Towards the end of his 30s, Ben says things started to get really dark for him. He found himself just wanting to drink on the tour bus and be left alone. The days of wanting to drink to socialize and be connected were gone for him.

 

When he realized his drinking was becoming an issue, Ben tried to stop for periods of time. Later on, to create accountability Ben would make pacts with his brother where if he drank on one of his 30-day breaks, his brother could sell Ben’s guitar. The idea of stopping completely was unthinkable to Ben at the time.

 

After a situation where Ben almost lost all of his musical equipment at the end of a tour, he started to look into AA. It was recommended to him by someone he knew who had gotten sober. He was a bit dubious of it because he thought AA was only for people that had a problem. When Ben first spoke at the meeting he thought he might end up making light of his story but found himself crying instead and made the statement that he was scared that if he never drank again, that there would be nothing for him to look forward to for the rest of his life.

 

Throughout 2020 and 2021, Ben would find himself having two day drinking binges nearly every week. He had just gotten an apartment without housemates or family for the first time and had no one he had to be accountable to. The fact that his job wasn’t 9-5 gave him a lot of free time. The moderation techniques began again because he wasn’t ready to believe he had to quit entirely.

 

After a few rock bottom incidents, Ben finally made the decision to stop. In the first few months he used a variety of tools including harm reduction. He allowed himself to play video games again and eat food that he had always denied himself while drinking. When he reached out to be on the podcast the first time, he utilized that as motivation to stay sober at least until the interview a few months later.

 

Year one of sobriety found Ben still having cravings and just getting used to life being sober but says years two and three found him celebrating personal and professional successes. He says life can still be complicated at times but has learned to use obstacles as opportunities. Meditation has been a powerful tool for Ben in his recovery in addition to journalling, limiting his phone usage, reading and exercise.

 

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You took the elevator down, you gotta take the stairs back up.

I love you guys.

 

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